Qwerpline Ep45 - Hit the Donkey Transcript
Transcript for Qwerpline Ep45 - Hit the Donkey
{LRR Logo jingle}
{Graphic: purple LRR logo}
{Intro music}
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by ...
{Graphic: Brutal Poodle Doodle Noodle}
Announcer: ...Brutal Poodle Doodle Noodle. Give your idle art a kick in the pants from across the room with Brutal Poodle's revolutionary 10-ft long wobbly pencil. Brutal Poodle Doodle Noodle: for when your sketches are too dull.
{Graphic and Music: Qwerpline}
Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg, welcome to Qwerpline. Big G-Money here with A-Train, how is it going Alex?
A-Train: Engage: enemy, BMP, 500.
G-Money: Uh, Alex, can you take the VR rig off?
A-Train: Oh, sorry, I was miles away.
G-Money: I thought you were only 500 away.
A-Train: No, no, no. Meters, not yards.
G-Money: Oh. What front are you on?
A-Train: Don't we have work to do?
G-Money: Oh, right, the news.
{Graphic and music: News}
{Graphic: Dragon's Landing}
G-Money: Dragon's Landing would like to remind everyone that Thursdays are slot horse days. So if you've got a need for speed and a perspex 1:32 scale Clydesdale, come enjoy the sport of tiny kings.
A-Train: I don't think it's humane to breed a horse that small.
G-Money: That's why you get the injection molded ones.
A-Train: Aren't we all injection molded when you really think about it?
{Graphic: News}
G-Money: And in other news, the town hall is bracing for a huge turnout-
A-Train: I know it's Belgian Tickler night. 5.99 if you order the zoty fries.
{Graphic: Nsburg Towne Hall}
G-Money: -for tonight's public hearing on Mayor Therpston's proposed amendment to the city's fence and hedges bylaw.
A-Train: Oh, yuh.
G-Money: More than 40 people have already signed up to voice their righteous indignation and the ...
{Graphic: Nsburg Nudist Topiary Club}
... Nsburg Nudist Topiary Club has threatened to stage a sit-in.
A-Train: They're going to want to warm up that floor a little bit. It's real cold on the marble.
G-Money: The town hall has also received nine written letters of complaint, three petitions, and one sinister mobius fax.
{Graphic: News}
A-Train: Maybe I'll get my zoty fries to go tonight.
G-Money: Don't forget to tipple your Tickler before you leave.
A-Train: Nah, just chug it.
{Graphic: Sports}
G-Money: Smart. And now sports with Montgomery-Edith Slump.
A-Train: Wow. I've never seen your tongue get whiplash before.
{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Edith Slump - QWRP Arts?}
Edith Slump: Hello there fans of the sporting arts, it is I, noted athletics enthusiast Edith Slump.
G-Money: Is this another bet?
Edith: I've been brought low by my gambler's itch.
G-Money: Okay, uh, what's going on in the world of sports there Edith?
Edith: Well, funny that you should ask. Monty did give me some notes on the Literal Tigers, but I would classify them more as unhinged rantings than facts and as a serious journalist I think it's important to maintain the integrity of broadcast news.
{Graphic: East Sump Acres Lementary Sports Day}
Edith: So I'm going to talk about sports day at East Sump Arces Elementary School, where my niece and nephew totally crushed it like they always do.
G-Money: Uh, okay, um, what what, uh, what was sports day like at East Sump Arces Elementary? Did we win?
Edith: First of all Graham, it was surprisingly exciting. It turns out the thrill of competition can be had at any age. And second, no, because they stopped awarding medals in 2016 cuz it made the parents feel bad.
A-Train: Cool. I guess nothing happened then.
Edith: Oh contraire, Alex, it was a day of breathtaking intensity. I don't think anyone has truly lived until they've seen a 50 legged race.
A-Train: 50 legs?
Edith: Well not all on one child, Alex, that would be impractical. What they do is tie an entire class together into one big group and then they have to navigate an obstacle course. It's like watching river dance in slow motion and with water traps.
G-Money: Wh-why are there water traps?
Edith: They're using the same course as the Bog Hop.
A-Train: Oh, I remember Bog Hop, I used to be so good at it. What else did they have?
Edith: All the usual School Sports: Red Rover, Long Dash, Sun Tsu's the Tug of War, the 50m Scrumple. Nothing special.
G-Money: Do they have room for a 50m Scrumple at East Sump Arces Elementary?
Edith: Well, they did have to lap the school three times, but my nephew Rowan realized that he could shortcut through the cafeteria and shave like two minutes off each of his laps, so obviously he won. And as a prize he doesn't have to run the 50 meter Scrumple next year.
G-Money: Well, good for Rowan. Um, anything else in the world of sport this week Edith?
Edith: Well, there were some tremendous displays of athleticism over at the Therpston County Nature Preserve.
G-Money: They didn't run the Tough Brother through there did they?
A-Train: They better not have. I signed papers to that effect last week.
Edith: Oh, no, no, no. It was a class trip to the Trout Reef. It turns out those fish really do go wild for Trout Chow.
A-Train: Really? I always thought that stuff tasted like Hickory Sticks.
{Graphic: Sports}
G-Money: Well, I'm glad you had such a great time feeding the fish. Anything else to report on in sport?
Edith: So after I was done helping out as a chaperon on Myrtle's class trip, my niblings actually came home with me so their mom and dad could have a night off to try for a third kid.
A-Train: Oh, it is so early for Joan's light.
Edith: So we ordered in pizza from Formosa Palace and played Klaus D'Abrucio's new kids game Ticket to Participate, which I would not recommend, and then we watch the new Tugger Nuts movie instead.
G-Money: Oh, Tugger Nuts Slams it Home? As the Arts Reporter, um, how is it?
Edith: Oh, I have no idea, I was honestly wiped out from a full day of child minding. Besides what does it even matter? Can't you just watch a movie and enjoy it there in the moment?
G-Money: I guess you can if you're not the Arts Reporter.
Edith: Counterpoint: today I am the Sports Reporter.
G-Money: Okay, so what else happened in sports?
Edith: Everyone brushed their teeth and then Rowan and Myrtle slept in a fort they built in the living room floor.
G-Money: How is that Sports?
Edith: I told them they could disassemble my futon if they both passed phys-ed this semester.
G-Money: Well, congratulations Myrtle and Rowan. Anything else going on in sports this week Edith?
Edith: Oh, probably, but I'm not going to read Monty's polemic on air.
Michael O'Leary: Be sure to post it in the break room so we can all enjoy it.
Edith: I've already made multiple copies. Oh, by the way Joan, we're out of toner.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
A-Train: How is that light getting brighter?
G-Money: One of life's great mysteries Alex. Speaking of which, we go now to Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP traffic Qwopter. How's the Nsburg traffic looking up there Richter?
{Graphic: Traffic}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Ritcher Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}
Richter Hammockslam: Graham, before I'm able to divulge any information to you, I'm going to need the password.
G-Money: Is the password: "what's the traffic Richter?"
Richter: Not by a long shot, but if you're having some trouble I might be able to give you a hand. You'll need to tell me what stage of the game you're on. Have you encountered Conroy yet or are you still working on the Towers of Hanoi?
A-Train: Wow. Usually it's a figurative game that Richter plays with us.
G-Money: Richter, did I miss, like, a package in my cubby that I was supposed to open so I could participate with this?
Richter: Oh, no package, Graham, but at this point you're probably going to need a super high frequency KA band radio tuned to 28 GHz at 17 mm. I found an Boeing 702 geostationary satellite with some spare bandwidths to pipe things through. Once you're tuned in, there's a short story element that tells you the allegory of the cave.
G-Money: And once I gather all of that stuff, what will the allegory of the cave teach me?
Richter: In an academic context plenty, but here nothing. But if you've read the comic about the fox, the rabbit, and the scorpion crossing the river earlier, you'd know to hop carrier waves before the end of the story to hear the plea from the Queen of a Thousand Years. Assuming you're caught up, you should then be off to unscrew every head of every chess monarch down at Eul's chess club on 1,000 Annum Boulevard.
G-Money: Richter, is this an ARG?
A-Train: That's the noise I'm making.
Richter: Well, I shouldn't be talking out of character, but yes, Graham, this is an ARG. In order to have received that satellite frequency you would have needed to go to the Nsburg Public Library last Thursday to check out a modified first edition printing of Thomas Pinchin's classic Gravity's Rainbow. Only then could you take the last letter of every numbered page and run it through the Caesar Cipher that you found during the Towers of Hanoi, thus revealing the walking directions necessary to find the Rubidium key.
G-Money: I see, thank you Richter. Follow-up question: how was I supposed to have known that I needed to do any of that?
Richter: You mean you haven't been watching domain name registration transfers closely for the past 3 months? I would have thought Richterarg.com would have given something away.
G-Money: Well, you haven't told us anything about the traffic Richter, but I am pleased to hear that for once you've wasted more of your time than ours.
Richter: That remains to be seen Graham, as the Circlet of Hephestus, which as we all know grants its owner the powers of the Millennium Envoy, has yet to be claimed.
G-Money: Okay, well, before we let you go-Gus no I don't care what you found in the HTML, you can't go geocache. Before we let you go, is there anything traffic related you have to report for us?
Richter: Well, if you are on Julian Street, you may want to avoid the area unless, and I say unless, you have a Space Warrior gun. It is the only gun that can kill machine men. Back to you Graham, Alex, and the Scorpion.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
Michael: Is that my new nickname now?
G-Money: I don't think so.
Michael: Uh. Can it be?
G-Money: Sure?
Michael: Ooh, I have a domain to purchase.
G-Money: Sounds like Gus knows his way around some HTML if you're looking for a Web Master. Let's change the subject: our summer intern Derek is on location at the macro golf course. Why?
{Graphic: Live on Locaiton}
{Caption: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}
Derek: Uh, is that the throw?
G-Money: I'm sorry. Summer intern Derek is on location at the new macro golf course that's just opened on the outskirts of town. We go to him now, live. How's it going Derek?
Derek: Oh, that's the throw. I shouldn't have said anything the first time.
A-Train: Yes, Derek, that was the throw. Please start talking.
Derek: You betcha. Hi Graham, hi Alex, and hello to all you gentle listeners out there in QWRP's Qwerpline-land. I'm trying a new thing I don't know if it's going to stick. Um, it's me, Summer intern Derek, here on location at the brand new macro golf course...
{Graphic: Macro Golf}
Derek: ... just outside of town very easy to get to cuz you just have to drive a little while and then you're outside of town. It's awfully big and kind of an interesting spectacle and, uh, I'm hoping that I'll get some good golf in today.
G-Money: Hey, Derek, I'd like to just cut in real quick and say that we've all been using the phrase "macro golf" like we know what that means. What does that mean?
Derek: Oh, I know this one, I have the notes on my hand. It's a fresh new take on the world's oldest sport mini golf and can be enjoyed by the-I ran into space in my hand. I'm going to assume by everybody in the whole family.
Farmer Bumper: Well now, hold on there boy, I wouldn't say the whole family. This-this course is most inappropriate for very young children and, shall I say, the infirm.
Derek: Hi Farmer Bumper. What are you doing here?
{Caption added: Granton Bumper - Bumper Crop Farms}
Farmer: Well, this is my field, and this is my course, and these here are my obstacles.
Derek: Oh, I didn't know you were the owner. Um, I need to learn how to write with my left hand so I can take notes in my right hand as well and then I can put them together and have way more things to say.
Farmer: Well, all the best macro duffers are ambidextrous, so best to get the practice in early.
Derek: That's just what I'm here for Father Bumper, it's to hone my mini golf skills.
Farmer: Well now, hold on there just a bit. I'm not a Father no more. I excommunicated myself to to get away from the bad debts on the church and now we've got this here macro golf course. So why don't we get you clubbed up and, uh, head on out to the links.
Derek: Well, then, what do I call you? Do I call you like Caddy Bumper?
Farmer: Let's try Mr on for size for a bit and see how that goes shall we?
Derek: You bet, Mr Caddy. Now listeners, what's unusual about this course is that it is set up like a normal mini golf course, uh, except that everything is really far away and also really really big.
Farmer: Hmm. Strapping young lad of your height, you're going to need, let's see, this club and, oh, that's a pretty ball there. Now, now, there is a deposit on that. I will forward that to the studio.
Derek: Well hang on a second Mr Caddy. These look like a normal size putter and a normal size ball. I thought everything's supposed to be huge.
Farmer: Oh, you misunderstand. Macro golf is all about taking mini golf from the miniature level and bringing it back up into the macro level where it could be enjoyed by people of all ages and, uh, at the correct size.
Derek: That sounds amazing.
Farmer: So we've taken all of your favorite obstacles from the mini golf and we've increased them in size by say a factor of between two and 14, depending on what contractors were available, and spread them out across the rest of my property in a golf like fashion.
Derek: I've been playing mini golf for like probably 19 years now, uh, what should I set my handicap at?
Farmer: Oh, and this is a world class course so we set the par at an appropriate, we're going to say, 300.
Derek: Wow, that is challenging.
Farmer: And it's a heck of an exercise and walk too. Why don't you come on over here and have a look at the map, we can familiarate ourselves with the course layout. Over here we'll start off with the loop-de-loop, then we're going to move into the crown face-
Derek: That's a classic.
Farmer: Then you got here the trials of Odysseus. There's a twister, laser corridor, then you got the water gate. That goes into fallin' water, and fallin' rocks, and then we end the front nine with Joe Shoemakers falling down.
Derek: Oh, cool! I hope there's a flaming golf cart.
Farmer: Oh, you see everything's all made out of corn here Derek, so nothing can actually be on fire. It's how I'm able to so efficiently and economically reconfigure my property every year.
Derek: What about the back nine?
Farmer: Oh, well, that's where things start to get a bit more difficult. In the back nine you start out with the crushinator, move on to hole 11 gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas. Hole 12 is the Nsburg Birding Society's Protected Goose Nesting Area, so please be aware of the ganders, they are extremely territorial.
Derek: What?!
Farmer: Hole 13, Jolf. Hole 14, Jolf 2: multiball. Hole 15 is Formosa Palace presents the Grand Cannon of Low Maine. At hole 16 is farmer Bumper's Forced Perspective Jamboree, stay tuned for the musical number. Hole 17 is Senn's Fortress.
Derek: Hmm, well I don't want to do Senn's Fortress. It's easiest part of the run, it's all evasion. Can I try gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas?
Farmer: I'd be happy to walk you through the hole, but I don't think any of your listeners have paided admission Derek. Can't give anyone an old free ride now can we?
{Graphic: Live on Locaiton}
G-Money: Hey look, Bumpo, if you don't let Derek play at least one hole, this free ad is over. The boy loves mini golf and we don't want to have to build another course in the break room.
Derek: That was the best 19th birthday ever.
Michael: I didn't like being a windmill.
Farmer: Well, we're standing at the final hole right now, why don't you give that a try?
Derek: Oh, cool, hole 18's always got great gimmicks. Uh, what do you call this one?
Farmer: We call it The Donkey.
Derek: But it's just a wind turbine.
Farmer: Unfortunately the Dutch refused to export any more of their classical windmills, so we had to sell for a Hyundia HQ5500/140. May not have that old world charm, but it does put out 5,500KW in a 13 m/s wind.
Derek: So why is it called The Donkey?
Farmer: Well it's a reference to El ingenioso hidalgo Don Quijote de la Mancha. If you get it in the hole, you get 1,000 KW hours of renewable energy for the year pumped directly to your home.
Derek: And what happens if you don't make the shot?
Farmer: Oh, you'll have to forfeit the deposit on the ball. Once those blades hits, you ain't never going to find that ball in this County again.
Derek: Okay, well I have confidence in my skills so I'm going to take the shot. Here it is dear listeners.
{Sound effect: golf swing, pause, distant ding}
Derek: Oh. Well, thank you for your loyal service $150 golfball. You'll be remembered on the expense sheets of the radio station.
A-Train: 150 bucks for a ball?!
Farmer: Look, can't use corn to replace carbon fiber blades, so I need to recoup my costs somewhere.
Derek: Well, I feel like carbon fiber blades wouldn't break if I wasn't shooting golf balls at them.
Farmer: This interview is over.
Derek: What a great segue, back to you Graham.
G-Money: Oh. Uh, thanks Derek. Uh well that takes us up to the{Sound effect: glass shattering}Jesus Christ!
{Sound effect: golf ball bouncing to a stop}
G-Money: Are you okay?
A-Train: I-it's a golf ball. And it's warm.
G-Money: Derek, was your ball a green ruggington 5?
Derek: How did you know?
G-Money: Well, the good news is we don't owe that deposit.
Derek: Yay!
G-Money: The bad news is you will be replacing this $600 soundproof window.
Derek: Ngah.
G-Money: And the M&M's machine in the break room.
Derek: Oh no, poor Emma.
Michael: I just restocked that. Oh well, waste not want not.
G-Money: Well, while Michael takes care of one part of the proble-save me some blue ones. And now we're heading up to the break. When we come back: a new traveling exhibition all about historical memes is opening at the Nsburg History Museum, so if you've ever wanted to cast your eyes upon Andy Warhol's 32 Campbell Soup cans, The Magna Carta or the Shroud of Turin-
A-Train: Hang on, what do you mean memes? These are priceless works of art so famous that literally ... everyone ... recognizes ... them.
G-Money: Right? Rosemary is really good at getting people to give a crap about art history. And if you're looking for something to do this weekend: bring your safety goggles and respirator to the grand opening of ...
{Graphic: Ball Hinkley's Raymond's Talc Barn Second Balls Drywash}
G-Money: ...Ball Hinkley's Raymond's Talc Barn Second Balls Drywash. Inconveniently located off Intercounty 4, it features three man-sized drywash chambers. So if you've never experienced the cleansing grit of a dry shower or you just have some cast iron you need to restore, don't ... don't neglect the balls.
A-Train: I need to get that off his billboards. We've had complaints.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Man, does everyone in Chuffield have sand in their shorts? You know what would lighten them up?
A-Train: It's probably not a dry shower.
G-Money: Eh, yeah. Oh! And finally Big Papa is back in town so if anyone needs to go see Daddy, he'll be in the Chums until next Tuesday. Stick around, more Qwerpline after this.
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...
{Graphic: Brutal Poodle Doodle Noodle}
Announcer: ...Brutal Poodle Doodle Noodle. Give your idle art a kick in the pants from across the room with Brutal Poodle's revolutionary 10-ft long wobbly pencil. Brutal Poodle Doodle Noodle: also fun when you canoodle.
