Qwerpline Ep41 - The Mayoral Race Transcript
Transcript for Qwerpline Ep41 - The Mayoral Race
{LRR Logo jingle}
{Graphic: purple LRR logo}
{Intro music}
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...
{Graphic: The Fantastic Plastic Basket Gasket}
Announcer: ... the Fantastic Plastic Basket Gasket a space age polymer ring that keeps your picnic food in place. The Fantastic Plastic Basket Gasket" it'll do what you ask it
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Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg, Big G-Money here with A-Train. How's it going Alex?
A-Train: Feeling like a grindstone cowboy.
G-Money: Sorry, I misheard. Did you you said rhinestone?
A-Train: No, uh, grindstone is what forms the facets on the rhinestones.
G-Money: Well, interesting pivot from cattle. Uh, hopefully everyone out there is having a wonderful day as we are in Nsburg...
{Graphic: Town slogan}
G-Money: ... Birthplace of the Alone Ranger.
A-Train: I hope he finds a mate someday.
G-Money: And ensures the continuation of his blood bloodline. And now, the news.
{Graphic and music: News}
G-Money: Heads up to all local curlers, the Nsburg Concentric Curling Center is now being used on Thursdays for ice dancing capoeira, so if you've ever wanted to experience Nsburg's Tigris Litirias, ginga on down-
A-Train: Can you say that?
G-Money: -Thursday evenings to watch a sport described by UNESCO as "an intangible cultural heritage".
A-Train: Just not the way we do it here. Hold up, don't they have their own padded rink? Why do they have to move?
G-Money: Thank you, Alex, that brings me neatly to our second news item. Fire gutted the historic Nsburg iceworks last night. The ammonia-rich facility had been operating for over 100 years before it finally burned down.
A-Train: Jesus, is that what the exploding sound was last night?
G-Money: It sure was. According to a statement from Ethan at the Nsburg Volunteer Fire Department quote "We had 16 guys out there, not to go in though, we don't have Hazmat equipment. So we just stood around appreciating the inferno".
A-Train: Classic Ethan.
G-Money: Yeah. A counter statement released by Squad Commander Michael "Duke" Hawthorne of the For-profit Fire Department reads quote "We would have been able to contain the situation much sooner, but we had to spend the first 25 minutes corralling the Volunteer Fire Department and their marshmallow rotisserie from the blaze".
A-Train: Classic Ethan.
G-Money: And our main story. Just about to begin in fact, the Mayoral Race is underway this morning. Our listeners may recall that the results of the Electoral Reform Referendum were found to be deeply unconstitutional, so according to Therpston County law, Nsburg will now be forced to hold the traditional Mayoral Race.
A-Train: God be with us.
G-Money: We go now to Summer Intern Derek who is live on location at the starting paddock. How's it going out there Derek?
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}
Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex, isn't it a beautiful morning out today?
A-Train: Derek we are indoors and it's still stinks like ammonia downtown.
Derek: Classic Ethan.
G-Money: Uh yuh.
Derek: Hello gentle listeners, it's me, Summer Intern Derek, on location at the starting paddock for the Nsburg Annual Mayoral Race.
A-Train: No, not annual. This is like a one-time thing. Please let it be a one-time thing.
G-Money: Hopefully never again, and ideally not even this time.
Derek: Well that's kind of a shame. All the candidates down here are raring to go, they're just foaming at the mouth.
G-Money: That's what we get for putting the start line so close to the compost bins.
Derek: Well, in fact Graham, all of the candidates have been making heavy of those compost bins to feed their Champions.
A-Train: Why would any raccoon around here need to be fed? The entire city is like a smorgasbord to them.
Derek: Well not if they live near Formosa Palace. They locked their dumpster last night. Now gentle listeners, since we haven't had a traditional Mayoral Race since it was outlawed the first time, Rosemary from the history museum gave me a set of 3x5 index cards on which she's written the rules so I can lead you through how this is going to work. I'll read them to you now. All candidates must choose a Champion to represent them in the Race. You may only choose a Raccoon. If you cannot afford a raccoon, one will be assigned to you. All raccoons will be released within the starting circle, which is a three block radius around the town hall.
{Graphic: Nsburg Mayoral Race map}
Derek: They don't specify which one, I will assume it's the one where the mayor lives. The first raccoon that arrives at Town Hall and alights upon the Mayoral Throne will be crowned King of the Mayors.
G-Money: Rosemary's index card doesn't literally say "King of the Mayors" does it?
Derek: Well, to be honest Graham, I set my index cards down near the starting paddock a few minutes ago and all the Champions ate them. Well what I can remember is that the raccoon that arrives first on the throne wins ,and so the candidate that they're married to is made mayor of Nsburg.
A-Train: Sure...
G-Money: So this is less of an electoral college and more of an electoral sports scholarship.
Derek: Oh guys guys, hang on. Uh, it looks like they're going to open the paddock.
G-Money: Terrific. Derek tell us what you see.
Derek: panting AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. There's a raccoon on my face! There's a raccoon on my face! Oh hang on, he got off, he got off, he saw something else. Oh neat, that's Korb Fortress'.
G-Money: Oh, yeah, wait, actually. How can you tell?
Derek: Well, raccoons tend to all look alike, Graham, unless you have a discerning eye, and I don't. So they clad them all in surplus basketball jerseys from the Nsburg Middle School Intermural League.
G-Money: Terrific. Well, Derek head on over to the throne, we will catch up with you as the race continues.
Derek: I'm going to go find Edith and get some Bactine.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Sounds like a good plan Derek. Speaking of a slight stinging sensation, we go now to Ritcher Hammockslam up in the QWRP traffic Qwopter. Providing an eye in the sky for today's proceedings in his role as official Mayoral Race umpire. How's it looking up there Ritcher?
{Graphic: Traffic}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Ritcher Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}
Ritcher Hammockslam: Well, Graham, you can just call me Papa Panopticon because I have an uninhibited view of every inch of this Race course.
A-Train: I won't and you can't make me.
Ritcher: That's right Alex, I have been declared Race umpire as I am the most detached from those people on the ground and therefore the most qualified to provide an impartial judgment should the need arise.
G-Money: It's because you have a helicopter Ritcher.
Ritcher: That's what I just said Graham. It is absolute pandemonium on the ground right now, but I can see clearly that number 27 has a distinct advantage over the rest of them at this point. I am going to increase his odds from 6 to 4, no, two-to-one.
G-Money: Alright, so it sounds like a frantic start already. How has number 27 been able to gain an impressive lead so quickly?
Ritcher: He's absolutely enormous Graham.
A-Train: Excuse me?
Ritcher: It all comes down to the uniforms Alex. While the jerseys remain a standard size, the raccoons are a spectrum from tiny to chonker. And it turns out that those who are on the fatter side seem to be filling out those uniforms and having an easier time of it owing to their ability to reduce slop and tripping hazards.
G-Money: Well that certainly sounds like something a seasoned raccoon trainer would have picked up on.
Ritcher: It certainly would be Graham, but the last one of them passed in 1978 before managing to finish their memoirs. And with that information now on the board, I'm going to have to bump all raccoons under 5kg down a couple pegs on the payout.
A-Train: The payout?
Ritcher: Number 27 still looks like a good bet so if you've got a canila(?) for number 27, I advise you to hold on to your ticket. That said 15 is expected to place, but it's anyone's odd for show. Wait, wait, oh my goodness. Someone has emerged from a dumpster and is now attempting to scare the other raccoons away from the direction of town hall. That's Richard Therpston III.
A-Train: It's Dick.
Ritcher: He has a bag full of what appear to be potatoes, I'm unsure is to Russet or Yukon Gold, but I am going to say at this point that I am holding bets until this situation has been resolved.
G-Money: Ritcher, are you taking bets? You're the Umpire. You have a sacred duty.
A-Train: Uhhhhhhhh, you'd think that, being tradition and all. But, uh, that's also part of it, uh, being as it wasn't a paid position.
Ritcher: Graham, Alex, I'm going to have to cut this call short. Because of the appearance of this new competitor on the field, I'm assuming there's going to be a number of very angry people calling in who want to change their bets and Daddy needs to stay liquid. And how does one stay liquid? By wetting his beak. And who better to wet their beak than the person who is the most impartial in this situation: the Race umpire. Back to you.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Oh, oh, thank-thank you Ritcher. So ... I ... guess that apparently ... it's fine that Ritcher is running the books for this, so we should really look into ... what Richard Therpston III was doing hurling potatoes at the raccoons.
A-Train: I think it's perfectly clear Graham: these results are about to get screwed by a big dick.
G-Money: Can we check in with Derek? Where is he at this point?
{Sound Effect: phone rings}
G-Money: Oh, thank goodness. Speak of the intern.
{Graphic: Live on Location}
Beatrice Landstraad: Thank you Graham, I will hold you to that. And yes, beleaguered and uninformed listeners, of QWRP it's Beatrice Landstraad...
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Beatrice - Not An Intern}
Beatrice: ...uh, uh, junior war correspondent h, uh, here on the ground amongst the running of the raccoons. Ah off my foot.
G-Money: Um Beatrice, I'm sorry, could you keep the line clear?
A-Train: Yeah, we're trying to get an update on what's going on down there.
Beatrice: Of course Alex. Yes, like the story of how Richard Therpston III, who is about 25 ft away from me, is trying to cheat at this horrible raccoon scramble that's standing in for democracy here.
G-Money: Uh, yes. And we're trying to get Derek to tell us about that.
Beatrice: Derek's in the first a tent getting Bactine and orange juice, and I'm here 20 ft away from Dick and closing in.
A-Train: Oh yeah? What are you going to do when you get there?
Beatrice: Why Alex, I'm going to get the interview that QWRP listeners deserve. Get off me you shuffle cat.
Richard Therpston III: Yes, scram, scram, away with you. Yeah, I, yes I've got one for you too. Yeah, you, you, you can have two. I used to play softball in private school, I feel so alive again.
Ralph: That's a good arm sir, 'bout a half bushel left.
Beatrice: Excuse me, excuse me, Richard Therpston III, uh, Beatrice Landstraad, QWRP's acting intern in the field. What are you doing with those fingerlings?
{Caption Added: Richard "Dick" Therpston III - Mayoral Candidate}
Dick: First of all, urchin, these the highest quality import King Edwards. And second of all, I don't have to answer to you or anyone else. Soon I'll be mayor. Ralph, 10m, number 12, fire.
Ralph: Ey sir, that's my old number.
Dick: Shut up and throw.
Beatrice: Counterpoint the first: I am no longer an Urchin, I'm a Berg Scout with honors. And counterpoint the second: once you become mayor you'll be more accountable to the media, not less.
Dick: Oh I see you there number 44. I've got a nice round snack for you.
Beatrice: Well, as you can hear QWRP listeners, uh, Richard Therpston III is not only trying to unduly influence the Mayoral Race, he's doing so right in front of my microphone, which is certainly a strategy. But you know here we are with his toady, Ralph, who's holding the potatoes.
{Caption Added: Ralph - Secret Pipesman & Toady}
Ralph: Am I being detained?
Beatrice: Ralph, you're a member of the Nsburg Geologic Society and prominent Secret Pipesman, are you not?
Ralph: Hold on there, I wouldn't say I'm prominent.
Beatrice: And do you agree that this is a brazen miscarriage of democracy and neither you should be trying to sully it further by throwing potatoes at the raccoons?
Ralph: Look, the thing about working for Dick is that he does all the dirty work and I'm just left holding the bag.
Dick: Ralph, my bag's dry. Give me another potato.
Ralph: Well we're out of King Edward's tubers, but we can move on to plan B.
Dick: Ah yes! I've been waiting for this.
Beatrice: Oh my God!
{Sound effect: gunshots}
Beatrice: Ah!
Derek: Beatrice? Why are you here? Why are you on the ground? Why did you give Richard Thurpston III that gun?
Beatrice: Derek, you muscular dipwit, I didn't give him that gun, Ralph did.
Ralph: Technically that firearm was bequeathed to him by his grandfather Richard Therpston. I merely maintained it, loaded it, and handed it to him.
Dick: Ahhahahahaha! Get a load of this up you, you fat furry fuzzballs. Take that and that and ... wait a moment while I reload. Then ... take another one. I'm blasting, outlasting!
Derek: Wow, this is so exciting. Hey, can I borrow your phone for a second?
Beatrice: Derek, I'm already on the phone to QWRP to cover the story that you're not.
Derek: But I was stuck in the Volunteer Fire Department's medical tent. They wouldn't let me leave until I finished all three juice boxes.
Beatrice: Classic Ethan.
Dick: Ralph, what did you load this with?
Ralph: Rock salt, just like you asked for.
Dick: No, you idiot, I said inhumane cartridges.
G-Money: I hate to interrupt. I'm sorry, that's not true. Look, will one of you, or both of you - I don't care - please get to the finish line so we can find out whose raccoon gets to the throne first.
Beatrice: Excuse me, but with all due respect Graham, can you not hear the madman literally shooting raccoons right above us?
Derek: No Beatrice, I'm the one asking the hard-hitting questions and my first question is can I borrow your phone? Because I left mine in the medical tent and if I go back they'll make me chug more juice.
Beatrice: Absolutely not! I'm going to use this to call 911.
Derek: {distant} For my job, my job's so important.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Uhhhhhhhhhhh ... well.
A-Train: Never a dull moment in politics, is there?
G-Money: I guess we're going to assume that Derek is on his way to the throne and we will catch up with him whenever we can. Um, let's, I guess, check back in with Ritcher to try and give you at home the most updates we can on this developing situation. Ritcher, what are you seeing up there?
{Graphic: Traffic}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Ritcher Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}
Ritcher: And with the first two raccoons already in the building, number 15 is cresting the top of the stairs like some sort sort of non-infringing Bostonian boxer. And I want to point out that that's my old number.
A-Train: Wasn't that number retired due to misconduct?
Ritcher: Unfortunately due to the skylights of town hall I can only see about a quarter of a foot and that foot has now moved outside of my vision. Back to you.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Uh, thanks, I guess Ritcher. We still haven't heard from Derek so, uh, we'll go now to Edith Slump, who is on location at the Town Hall. Hello Edith, what can you tell us?
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Edith Slump - QWRP Arts}
Edith Slump: Well Graham and Alex, I can tell you that if you're down here at the Town Hall, you're going to want to avoid the Dank Ruggington Scotch Ale because you can really taste the peat.
A-Train: Wait, Edith, aren't you at the Town Hall?
Edith: Yeah. And they have great drink specials, and the Scotch Ale I mentioned previously which should be avoid it at all costs.
A-Train: She's at the Town Hall.
G-Money: Uh. Edith we, we really need some sort of update about what was happening down there.
Edith: Oh, don't worry, I've got you covered Graham. I've been pre-gaming since 7a.m. in anticipation of this so first of all I can tell you that ...
{Graphic: The Town Hall Race Day Special}
Edith: ...the Shufflecat is a pretty standard bourbon based cocktail and I give it ... I don't know, how many thumbs does a raccoon have? Two? Four? That many thumbs up. I've had quite a few, they're good. Uh, next up they have the Tailringer, which is one of them layered kahlua shots, and I can tell you that does not sit so well if you've had like six Shufflecats.
A-Train: How many thumbs would you give that one?
Edith: Uh, how many thumbs does a raccoon have?
G-Money: I think technically they have zero thumbs.
Edith: That seems appropriate for this drink.
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Edith Slump - QWRP Arts}
G-Money: Edith, can you get to the town hall where the finish line is and tell us what is happening?
Edith: Uh. Going to be completely honest with you Graham, the room might be moving faster than I am at this point, but I'll give it the old college try. Excuse me, can I get this to go?
G-Money: Uhhhhhh, Michael?
Michael O'leary: Yes Graham.
G-Money: Your car is still in the shop isn't it?
Michael: That's correct. I'm having the roll cage removed.
G-Money: How fast can you run?
Michael: Oh, I'm not a man of any athleticism Graham.
A-Train: Well, it's come to this. Gus, gas up the ham van.
{Sound Effect: honking}
{Sound Effect: phone rings}
G-Money: Uh, hello?
{Graphic: Live on Location}
{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Derek - QWRP Summer Intern}
Derek: Graham, Alex?
G-Money: Oh thank God. I think.
Derek: I'm here in the ceremonial vestibule, using the mayor's own private payphone. I can touch the throne from where I'm standing. But I shouldn't.
G-Money: Why not?
Derek: It's covered in carp.
G-Money: What?
A-Train: It's ... it's the Finish Line.
G-Money: Yes. It is. Why is it covered in fish?
A-Train: It's a fin pun. Our ancestors were stupid.
G-Money: Oh ... my ... god.
Derek: Is that why we do that? I thought it was to attract all the raccoons.
G-Money: Is it working?
Derek: Yeah, there's like three of them fighting in the hallway right now.
G-Money: How's the smell?
Derek: It's kind of astounding. You can barely smell the ammonia now. Oh and here comes Richard Thurpston III. He successfully scared off the three raccoons in the hallway. Oh and here comes Ralph carrying another raccoon. I wouldn't have been carrying the raccoon with my face, but I guess Ralph's thirsty for juice.
Dick: No no no no, left, you idiot, left. Walk forward
Ralph: {whimpering} Coming up. It's coming, sir.
Dick: It's right in front of you, just put him down.
A-Train: Derek, stop them. Do something.
Derek: What do you mean? I can't interfere, this is a sacred event.
A-Train: Oh my god!
Dick: Get off of his face you little bugger. Oh how dare you. Unhook your sharp little ... how many thumbs do you have?
Derek: Dick has torn the raccoon off of Ralph's face and thrown it onto the throne. Oh and now he's thrown it onto the floor. Now he's burying his face in the carp.
{Caption Added: Richard "Dick" Therpston III - Mayor Elect}
Dick: Yes, I win I win I win. This is my carp. I've earned it and by these fish I am Mayor Elect. Ah, I don't have to listen to any of you in this podunk town anymore. I wield supreme power. I'm going to get my train and you'll pay. Oh, you all pay through taxes.
Edith: Hello Derek.
Derek: Oh, and here comes Edith.
{Caption Added: Edith Slump - QWRP Arts}
Edith: I got here is fast as I could. Well, that's not strictly true, but I got here and that's an achievement at this point. Oh no, Ralph you look like sh{beep}
Ralph: I can see my face.
Edith: Dang. Could I get you some juice? It's like layered with kahlua in a shot.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Uh we're just going .... That's enough of that.
Michael: Well that's the worst bet I've ever won
G-Money: Michael, why did you bet on Richard Therpston's raccoon?
Michael: I didn't have a choice Graham, that's my old number.
G-Money: Well, uh, that takes us up to the break. Um when we come back and interview with the winning raccoon because I'll be damned if I'm going to give our new mayor elect any airtime while he's covered in fish.
A-Train: Well on his way to becoming God Emperor.
G-Money: Oh oh, hey, but, uh, popular upcounty raw cake chain Ruth's Batter in Julesburg is expanding into our town. So if you've got an opening in your stomach that needs filling with a sugary slurry, come on down to City Center Mall at 9:00 a.m. on Friday for their grand opening.
A-Train: Yeah, this town really does need a Ruth's Batter Nsburg.
G-Money: Yeah. Heck, I think the whole franchise has been overdue for expansion for decades. Anyway, stick around folks, more Qwerpline after this.
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor ...
{Graphic: The Fantastic Plastic Basket Gasket}
Announcer: ... the Fantastic Plastic Basket Gasket. A space age polymer ring that keeps your picnic food in place the Fantastic Plastic Basket Gasket: for gatherings orgiastic.
