Qwerpline Ep38 - Lake Anesh Transcript
Transcript for Qwerpline Ep38 - Lake Anesh
{LRR Logo jingle}
{Graphic: purple LRR logo}
{Intro music}
Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...
{Graphic: McGonigle's Conical Monocle}
Announcer: ...McGonigle's Conical Monocle. When you need greater correction in one eye that a standard eye glasses can deliver. McGonigle's Conical Monocle: the casing is cupro-nickel.
{Music and Graphic: Qwerpline}
Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg, welcome to Qwerpline. Big G-Money here with a replacement for Alex who is on location; Edith Slump is with me here in the studio. How are you doing Edith?
Edith Slump: I've got some big shoes to fill but I do wish Alex hadn't left them here in the studio.
G-Money: I have been meaning to talk to him about that but I am glad that you are here with me today. And I'm glad that all of you at home are here with me in scenic Nsburg: A monument to Fan's Molly.
{Graphic: town slogan}
Edith: Fan's Molly? The underground Dutch new wave band from the 1980s? They only ever released one EP and it's impossible to buy because I'm not selling mine.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: Oh no, this one's is a typo.
Edith: Is everyone okay down there at the Tourism Board?
G-Money: Obviously not. And now the news.
{Music and Graphic: News}
G-Money: Bargain hunters rejoice, the annual Nsburg Car/Boot sale ...
{Graphic: Nsburg Annual Car/Boot Sale}
G-Money: ... will be setting up for the weekend over at the politically unaffiliated Shaughnessy mudflats go-kart oval. This year's organizers are promising a showcase of more than 100 used cars and an entire pallet of Latvian military surplus boots, some of which will come in pairs.
Edith: Huh, Fan's Molly we're big fans of the Latvian military surplus look as well. What a coincidence.
{Graphic: News}
G-Money: Yeah that's weird. In other news if you see a suspicious bag downtown please leave it alone. Nsburg PD are testing their new autonomous bomb disposal robot and they're currently training its AI to recognize threats.
Edith: Oh, excuse me Graham, actually I have a note from Alex. It was the only thing he mentioned when I ended up filling in for him today. I kind of wish you'd talked about more stuff, but anyhow he did ask me to read this. "That is not a robot. I saw you idiots tape a shotgun to a Roomba. Call this off before someone gets hurt." It continues with more colorful language but I feel like I've already woven a rich tapestry here.
G-Money: You certainly have Edith. Nsburg PD have also asked everyone to stay out of the downtown core if you are wearing leather bell-bottoms, burlap, or shoes with zippered pockets.
Edith: Oh, wow. I don't want to bring up Fans Molly the third time in two minutes but-
G-Money: Then don't. And finally a deal has been struck with Nsburg Make-Smith's Collective regarding the partially finished Thurpston memorial. They have set up a pennies for print apparatus where people can donate pennies and have the material 3D printed on to the legs. At the current rate of donation they estimate the statue will reach his full height in about 37 years, so crack open those mason jars.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
Edith: And for our next segment, Graham, I need you to throw to me.
G-Money: I-yeah. And now it's the arts with Edith Slump.
{Graphic: It's the Arts!}
Edith: Hello.
G-Money: Hi, what's going on in the arts this week Edith?
Edith: Well, as you know Graham, there aren't too many community events happening during the Nsburg dry times, so one enterprising young man by the name of Justice Zeph has organized a new event that he hopes will invigorate the season and moisten our palates.
{Graphic: Malt Whitman Sloppy Slam Series Poetry and Pub Crawl}
Edith: It's the Malt Whitman Sloppy Slam Series Poetry and Pub Crawl, which is kicking off right now down at the Town Hall. So we've sent arts reporter Edith Slump down there to interview Justice and taste some beers on display. But unfortunately since I'm here pretending to be Alex, Michael O'Leary is down there pretending to be me.
{Graphic: It's the Arts!}
{Caption: At Town Hall: Michael O'Leary - QWRP Arts Correspondent}
Michael O'Leary: Hi Graham, hi Alex, wink. It's me Edith Slump...
{Caption: At Town Hall: Edith Slump - QWRP Arts Correspondent}
Michael: ...but not really. I could never capture your joie de vivre Edith.
{Caption removed}
Edith: Oh you flatter me.
G-Money: I'm ... what?
Edith: Oh Graham, you could be Gus.
G-Money: Don't you dare.
{Sound effect: Low Honk}
G-Money: You keep out of this.
Edith: So Michael are you sloppy or are you slammed?
{Caption: At Town Hall: Michael O'Leary - QWRP Arts Correspondent}
Michael: I only wish it was the first time someone asked me that; but no, it's 9:30 in the morning so I am merely sloppy.
{Caption: At Town Hall: Michael O'Leary - QWRP Sloppy Correspondent}
G-Money: Why didn't we send Derek again? I know he's got the lake dedication but Alex is already there.
Michael: He's 19.
Edith: And he doesn't drink, despite my many enticements.
G-Money: Fine. I'm sorry I interrupted. Continue.
Edith: Oh, don't worry about it Graham. Now Michael, I know you've already sampled several of the fine beverages on display, but please, how is your palate for poetry been?
Michael: It's hard to say Edith. I find you have a most difficult job trying to find different ways to describe how terrible Nsburg's poetry scene is. For example, I listen to a man recite symmetrical haiku. I couldn't tell when he was done and neither could he.
Edith: Wow, symmetrical haiku is normally sort of an after watershed thing. Why did they start this event at 7:30 in the morning?
Michael: It's because they have so much craft beer to serve to the populace.
G-Money: Yes, good. Tell me-tell us-tell the listeners about that.
Michael: In time Graham, but first I wish to expand upon more of the styles of poetry I have been subjected to. Have you heard of free verse?
{Caption: At Town Hall: Michael O'Leary - QWRP Poetry Correspondent}
G-Money: No.
Michael: That is a style of poetry where you can simply say whatever you want. It has no rules and therefore no meter, no rhyme, and no logical stopping point. You can just go on and on and on and on and o-
G-Money: Michael?
Michael: No, you see Graham, I'm making a joke.
Edith: Wow Michael. I thought you were just crafting a poem on the spot. I loved how rhythmic your powerful repetition was.
Michael: And now it is you that flatters me.
G-Money: Wait, how? Free verse didn't have any rhythm.
Edith: I mean, it can have it if it feels like. There just shouldn't be the expectation of rhythm, that would be presumptuous.
Michael: Open your mind to the possibilities.
G-Money: I have the expectation of opening my mind to the possibilities of hearing about the beer at this pub crawl.
{Caption: At Town Hall: Michael O'Leary - QWRP Beer Correspondent}
Michael: If I must. I opened my day with a flight consisting of Charge of the Lager Brigade, Still IPA Rise, and Hoppy Man Deus.
G-Money: Three is a small flight.
Michael: It was 7:30 in the morning, I'm not a lush.
G-Money: Well, how did you enjoy them.
Michael: As much as any alcohol with a pun name, Graham. For example after the interview I'm going to try The Cream Ale of San Magee and then My Bark is like a Red Red Rose. If I'm feeling adventurous, I might even try Do Not Go Gentle into that Good Night. You see what I mean?
Edith: Are there any beers that you don't think would be completely revolting?
Michael: None so far but I have my eye on Lewis Carroll's double baki.
Edith: Why? In case the yeast revolts?
Michael: No, just mostly because I need something to go with my snicker snacks.
G-Money: Oh my god.
Michael: I feel, Graham, you would enjoy Two Roads Diverged in a Yellow Wood and I took the one Less Malted.
G-Money: That must be a very crowded label.
Michael: These were all handpicked by the organizer Justice Zeph, who was probably a little annoyed that I spent my entire time poo-pooing his selection. Any words for the audience Zeph?
{Caption: At Town Hall: Justice Zeph - Event Organiser}
Justice Zeph: Hey man. Michael, right. It's cool man. I get it. Not every beers for everybody. If you're looking for a fruitier beer, you might try Lambic Lazarus; or for something heavier, The Porter and The Pendulum.
Michael: I'll take that under advisement.
Edith: Which one of your awful beers is your favorite Justice?
Justice: Oh I haven't actually tried any of 'em myself, man, I don't drink.
Edith: So you just into poetry?
Justice: Poetry and the herb. And I don't like mixing depressants with stimulants.
Michael: I think you'll find they're both depressants.
Justice: Whoops.
Michael: I feel the Malt Whitman Sloppy Slam Series will continue until 8 p.m. tonight, or perhaps just the next 20 minutes. It all depends on the endurance of Justice.
Justice: BWAAAAAAARG. What?
Edith: Wow Graham. You weren't kidding Joan does use the red light a lot.
G-Money: Oh yeah.
Michael: I'm charging all this to the station right?
Edith: Wow, it's flashing now.
G-Money: Sure is. Gonna have to let you go Michael, thank you.
Michael: Hold on Graham. Wasn't Walt Whitman a tireless advocate of temperance?
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
Edith: Well that went better than expected.
G-Money: Ah, good. I see you set that low bar like I recommended.
Edith: When you said subterranean I thought you were joking.
G-Money: Hey, speaking of jokes, it's time to check in with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. How's it going up there Richter?
{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}
Richter Hammockslam: Good morning Graham. I noticed that you didn't ask about traffic in your introduction.
G-Money: I absolutely mentioned it.
Richter: That's not the only thing that happens to be in a state of obfuscation right now.
G-Money: Nothing should be contentious about what you're meant to do right now.
Edith: Wow. Now that I'm sitting next to Graham, I can really see that vein throbbing his head whenever you call in Richter. You should see this.
Richter: Graham I've had a look at the books and it's time for QWRP to start making some money.
G-Money: What?
Richter: And what's the best way to make money?
G-Money: Doing your job.
Richter: That's right: cryptocurrency!
Edith: That's not what he said.
Richter: But Richter, I hear you ask, isn't mining for cryptocoin incredibly harmful to the environment and vastly irresponsible in this day and age?
G-Money: That's also not what I said!
Richter: That's why I bought out a bicycle shut out of all of its chain and shackled together a Beowulf Cluster of Babbage Engines hooked up the main rotor of the Traffic Qwopter.
G-Money: Okay. Joan, it's finally happened. Whatever is going on inside Richter has taken over the whole brain. He's talking actual nonsense.
Edith: Richter is this an elaborate signal for help? Is someone holding you hostage? If you're in distress, babble incoherently.
Richter: Thank you for your concern Edith. And to allay some of your particular concerns; yes, this is an environmental venture. One: we are using no electricity for the destruction of said coins. And Two: there are no carbon offsets.
Edith: Graham, I can't tell, was that more or less coherent than normal?
G-Money: That was about on par. Richter, what coins?
Richter: I'm glad you asked Graham, because one of the biggest problems that cryptocurrency faces today is a lack of a physical standard backing it so what I've done is hooked up a chain of catalytic converters purchased from today's boot sale and I'm now able to harvest the carbon from the emissions of the Qwopter and mint it into physical coins.
Edith: No, I think he is being held hostage.
Richter: The only thing I'm being held hostage by is my care and responsibility for our one Earth. And that one Earth's financial systems.
Edith: Pst, Graham.
G-Money: What? Why are you whispering into the mic?
Edith: So Richter can't hear me. I don't want to panic him.
G-Money: Aha.
Edith: I think we should call the Nsburg PD.
G-Money: Oh they blocked us months ago. Richter, I'm sorry you're minting carbon coins?
Richter: It's more of a pressing Graham. But yes, each coin is a physical representation of the cryptographic hash that I am generating with the machines and the Qwopter.
G-Money: And you're running all of these engines from the rotor of the Qwopter?
Richter: Where else would I get that much power?
G-Money: So to remain connected to these machines you have to be, for the sake of argument, on the ground.
Richter: Unfortunately, yes.
G-Money: So you're not able to do your job.
Richter: Oh it's no problem at all Graham. I've actually got Joy up in an ultra-light. Unfortunately she was unable to afford the professional radio necessary so I'll find out what the traffic is in about 20 minutes. Which should be just enough time for me to finish calculating and minting this round of Qwopmarks.
G-Money: Wow, what a terrible name.
Richter: It was literally the third one I could come up with and you know what they say: Rule of the Thirds Graham. Back to you.
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
G-Money: That's not what that means but thank you Richter, is what I say at the end of a segment to be polite.
Edith: I admire how you can say that so often when you clearly don't mean it. I've got a lot to learn doing this job.
G-Money: Speaking of not meaning it, we go now to summer intern Derek who is on location with Qwerpline co-host and Aldersm'n Alex, who is at the Lake Anish dedication ceremony.
{Graphic: Live on Location}
Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex, wink.
G-Money: What?
Derek: Well I heard Michael doing it earlier and I wanted to preserve the theater of the mind.
G-Money: That's not it-sure. Hi.
Aldersm'n Alex: Derek, you don't have to greet me, I'm right here.
{Caption: At Lake Indianname: Alex - Aldersm'n}
Derek: Alex are you doing a voice so the listeners don't know it's you too?
Alex: Er, no, Derek. This ceremonial leather cravat is really constricting.
Derek: But it helps you cut such a lovely silhouette.
Alex: It helps cut off my circulation.
G-Money: Well Alex I'm glad that you're suffering both for fashion, but also for finally renaming Lake Indianname.
Alex: I would explain at length what a pain-in-the-ass this process has been, but I think I would pass out. I'm just happy to finally get this stupid thing over with.
Derek: That's right Graham, the ceremony's about to get underway and first a little Lake history for all of our listeners. Lake Indianname has been undergoing the renaming ceremony since its discovery in 1972. Legend has it that the Lake was given its name by a hard-of-hearing and slightly racist clerk at the Nsburg Town Hall and Lake Indianname has been undergoing renaming ever since. Because as my dad tells it it's against the law to change the name of something once has already been given a name, which is why I had to keep calling my cat Asshole.
G-Money: Derek, I'm fairly confident that none of that is true.
Edith: No, no, his cat really is named Asshole.
G-Money: Really? Neat. Alex, please help me.
Alex: It'd be my pleasure. The sooner we get this over with, the sooner I get to take this off. Hey everybody, it's finally time to set the record straight on Lake Indianname, as it was formerly called. We can now give it its true title: Lake Anesh. We have a plaque in everything, no thanks to certain parties ... who I will not name here. Therefore it is my civic duty and great pleasure to dedicate this body of water to a Anesh Patel and to remind everyone that the Lake is now called Lake Anesh. Don't at me.
{Caption: At Lake Anesh: Alex - Aldersm'n}
Unknown female: Please stop! Please stop! Stop! Don't do this! Don't dedicate the lake!
Derek: And there you have it listeners the lake has been dedicated Lake Anesh.
Unknown female: NOOOOOOOOO!
{Sound effect: Scuffle}
{Caption: At Lake Anesh: Beatrice Landstraad - Raster Heights Academy Student Council President}
Beatrice Landstraad: Hello respected QWRP listeners. My name is Beatrice Landstraad, Raster Heights Academy Student Council President and I am here to stop this dedication ceremony but it appears I am too late.
Derek: Graham, she swept my leg and took the phone.
G-Money: Wow that sounds awesome.
Alex: It looked awesome.
Beatrice: Honorable Aldersm'n Alex, this is not Lake Anesh.
Alex: Yes it is. What part of don't at me do you not understand? You're young.
Beatrice: Aldersm'n, with all great respect to you 2017 memes, you took a wrong turn at Scrundle Avenue. If this is Lake Anesh, where is Camp Melanoma?
Alex: Ah for {Sound effect: Quack}s sake.
Beatrice: That's right Qwerpline listeners it's me, Beatrice Landstraad, with the scoop of the year.
{Caption: At NOT Lake Anesh!: Beatrice Landstraad - Raster Heights Academy Student Council President}
Beatrice: This is not Lake Anesh, this is just the disused lagoon that's connected to the East Sump Acres Culvert Grid and that has been named in honor of Anesh Patel.
{Caption: At Lake Anesh?: Beatrice Landstraad - Raster Heights Academy Student Council President}
Beatrice: And the original Lake Indianname a still stands!
Derek: This should have been my scoop!
Beatrice: Well then why didn't you realize they went the wrong way down Scrundle Avenue?
Derek: I was too busy driving when I should've been asked the hard hitting question!
{Caption: At Lake Anesh: Alex - Aldersm'n}
Alex: Swearing profusely
{Caption: At Lake Anesh: Beatrice Landstraad - Raster Heights Academy Student Council President}
Beatrice: Hey, you can't litter here, this lagoon is part of the agricultural reserve.
Derek: And that's desecration of public property! That collar belongs to the county.
Both: Boooooooooooooooooooo!
Alex: Let me tell you what I got to do. I got throw you in Lake Anesh and you in Lake Indianname!
Derek: Wow, this is a major gaff. This is going to cost Alex big for reelection. I don't think he's never going to make it in office again.
Alex: I never wanted this job in the first place!
Derek: Oh listen, he's yanked the plaque out of the ground.
Beatrice: Yes and he's dropped - no, thrown - it on the ground.
Derek: And he's jumping up and down on it while it breaks into a dozen pieces.
Beatrice: My goodness, he's getting very even coverage. He must have have large feet.
Derek: You know what they say about Aldersm'n with big feet.
Beatrice: That they have very limited chances at re-election after this kind of bungle?
Derek: My thoughts exactly Beatrice.
Beatrice: And now after some vigorous jumping Aldersm'n Alex has taken a bit of a tumble. He's going over sideways, and yes he has fallen into Lake Anesh, formerly the culvert lagoon.
Derek: And he's thrashing about yelling about how he can't swim. Oh wait I'm on duty now.
Alex: Just let me grab you!
{Sound effect: Click}
{Graphic: Qwerpline}
Edith: Wow. Now I know why you use this button so often.
G-Money: Yeah it's a little hard to read with the paint worn off but old mutey is probably my favorite button in here. And hey speaking of putting a button on it, that takes us up to the break. When we come back: an update on the still ongoing trial of Mayor Steno Paperclips. The proceedings are still on pause while the prosecution continues to search for any legal precedent that will allow them to declare a bent piece of copper wire, a paper clip.
Edith: This trial has really unearthed a lot of Nesburg's dirty laundry. I thought for years our mayor was a half-empty box of paper clips, now it's been shown that was all a lie. It was an empty box of paperclips. Who can you trust?
G-Money: And at the top of the hour our arts correspondent Edith Slump-
Edith: Er, technically I'm the lifestyle and arts correspondent.
G-Money: Oh, did Joan finally authorize your promotion?
Edith: No, but I'm allowed to expend scented candles to the station now.
G-Money: Oh, that's too bad. But stay tuned for Edith's report on the Bed, Bath & Bodyworks in Jewelsburg.
Edith: This one's called Milfoils Embrace.
G-Money: Oh gosh, smells like a dank sponge.
Edith: Keen olfactory observation Graham. I'm giving this one to Joan.
G-Money: Anything else going on in the arts this week Edith?
Michael: No.
G-Money: More Qwerpline after this.
Announcer: You're listen to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...
{Graphic: McGonigle's Conical Monocle}
Announcer: ...McGonigle's Conical Monocle. When you need greater correction in one eye that a standard eye glasses can deliver. McGonigle's Conical Monocle: To see all matters Cos-McGonigle.
