Qwerpline Ep37 - Oceana Rising Transcript

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep37 - Oceana Rising

{LRR Logo jingle}

{Graphic: purple LRR logo}

{Intro music}

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Qwerpline this week is brought to you by...

{Graphic: Thurpston County Worst-pun Mountie}

Announcer: ...Thurpston County Worst-pun Mountie. This Canadian expatriate is giving up horseback policing and he's telling terrible jokes down at the Nsburg Esplanade. Thurston County Worst-pun Mountie: for an overflowing bad joke bounty.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

Big G-Money: Good morning Nsburg, Big G-Money here with A-Train; how's it going Alex?

A-Train: Donut my way, this one's glazed. Om nom nom nom

G-Money: Did you intentionally not eat that donut before we came on air?

A-Train: Maybe.

G-Money: Was it worth it?

A-Train: It's pretty good.

G-Money: Well I hope your day out there is pretty good in scenic Nsburg: Aww Heck.

{Graphic: Town slogan}

G-Money: That was somewhat of a vanity slogan from then Tourism director Sidney Heckenburg, beloved gadabout and village inebriate. He will be sorely missed, except in the unlikely event that he has ever found alive.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

A-Train: Yeah, we won't miss a second time.

G-Money: But let's not get bogged down with that because now it's time for the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-Money: Come on down to the Civic Center for Nsburg Cat-fest: hours of amusement for your four-legged feline friends. Drop your cat off by noon in the green passenger zone and pick them up again by 6:00 p.m., or 9:00 p.m. if they're gonna hit up the dance. A reminder you are required to actually pick your cat back up, this is not an easy out to humanely dispose of an unwanted pet. As always that's the Chuffield pet swap next month. And if you're looking for a way to trick your children into enjoying classical music, why not bring them to the Chumble Tennis Dome this Saturday to see that Nsburg volunteer orchestras annual bring your own laser show. Featuring an all-new arrangement of Brian Fernyhoff's String Quartet Number Six for Piano and Timpani, the show will offer an impressive and completely un-choreographed laser show. Laser pointers, welding goggles and earplugs are available to purchase at the concession.

A-Train: Do they need to borrow my fog machine again?

G-Money: Yes, but they assure me that if anyone is caught huffing it they will be immediately ejected.

A-Train: Why do I even get the flavored juice?

G-Money: Well, while the forecast looks foggy inside the Chumble Tennis Dome, for the rest of us we have Sadie Caspersen to tell us what's going on in the world of weather. Hello Sadie.

{Graphic: Weather}

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Sadie Casperson - QWRP Weather Reporter}

Sadie Casperson: Hello Graham, hello Alex. So good to see you again, finally back from my latest vacay.

G-Money: Wow, really? Where did you go this time?

Sadie: Well it was actually more of a stay-cay coz we just took the RV up to Jewelsburg.

G-Money: Oh.

A-Train: Why?

Sadie: Well we had to get the tires changed on the RV and as you know there's nobody cheaper than Jewelsburg Tire. They guarantee it you know. By force apparently.

A-Train: I've seen it, it's not pretty.

Sadie: Yah, but as you know when RVs just got so many tires; you take one off and there's another one right behind it. Where are they coming from? It's a real Devil's pickle situation, you know what I mean.

A-Train: I really, deeply, do not know what you mean.

Sadie: Oh I've got some church pamphlets you could read if you're interested.

A-Train: I am not.

Sadie: I'll just leave them in your locker Alex.

A-Train: Don't.

Sadie: It's your afterlife and you know Jewelsburg was great.

G-Money: Was it.

Sadie: Yeah, so foreign.

G-Money: On a clear day you can see it from here.

Sadie: Yeah but did you know you could drive on the wrong side of the road there.

G-Money: I don't think you're supposed to.

Sadie: Yeah but when you have an RV you make your own roads. And this one was straight to Jewelsburg.

G-Money: So you just zipped over there and changed the tires and came back?

Sadie: Oh no no no. We ended up having to spend the whole weekend while the tire techs were elbow deep in the rubber dimension.

G-Money: What is there to do in Jewelsburg?

Sadie: Oh so many strange things that are similar to what we have here. You know they got three vegan restaurants and they're all right next door to each other, which doesn't make sense to me from a business perspective. You think you'd want to spread them out; but then no, they got their own vegan district. You know me and Lenny have never been to Vega, so we're gonna add that to the big list RV trips coming up.

G-Money: No, Sadie, that's not ... my grandmother was vegan.

Sadie: Oh you don't look it at all. I don't see any skinny, rolled-up jeans or one of them collared shirts buttoned right up to your chin.

G-Money: Did you try the vegan food?

Sadie: Oh no no no. Lenny's got a real delicate stomach after we came back from Milan Betar, so he just went for some nice cheeseburgers and french fries. You know, normal food.

G-Money: Any-anything else interesting that you saw in Jewelsburg.

Sadie: Oh my goodness yes. We showed up and they were right in the middle of dedicating a huge beautiful brand-new sign for their town slogan.

G-Money: Why are they getting rid of Diamond of Thurpston County?

A-Train: More like zirconia of Thurpston County.

Sadie: Yeah, that's why they changed it. The sign kept getting vandalized by people from Nsburg, so now it's just "Jewelsburg: thankfully not Nsburg".

A-Train: Ouch.

G-Money: It's nice to be remembered. I guess.

Sadie: Oh but Jewelsburg was so much fun. I got to go see how first-run movie and tried gelato, which Lenny didn't like. Then we went on our architecture tour and saw an amazing old asbestos factory that have been turned into condominiums. Very high-end, posh posh posh. But it was so strange you know, they had so many of the things that we have just more of it and better.

G-Money: We've got things they don't have like historic cellars, the culvert grid, herd immunity against botulism.

Sadie: Oh that's true, there's no swamp smell in Jewelsburg like there is back home.

G-Money: Well ... fine. What's the weather like Sadie?

Sadie: Oh in Jewelsburg, just gorgeous. Lotsw of sun, a little bit of cloud, nice breeze. Truly lovely.

A-Train: Definitely wasn't asking about Jewelsburg.

Sadie: Oh my gosh, you meant the weather here Alex? Oh hoh, such a silly-billy. See my brains already checked out; we're just about to go on another vacation. Anyhow: Monday, rainy; Tuesday, rainy; Wednesday, rainy; Thursday, rainy; Friday, rainy; Saturday, rainy; Sunday, rainy. It's very consistent.

G-Money: Where are you going on your next vacation?

Sadie: Oh we're gonna load up the RV and drive over to the Principality of Sealand.

A-Train: How?!

Sadie: The normal way. That's why we had to get new tires, nice fresh tread.

G-Money: Ah ... okay ... don't drown.

Sadie: Oh I should be telling you that you. You two are the ones are gonna have to deal with seven days of non-stop rain. Bye.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Thank you Sadie. Joining us now in the studio is Jessica Alverez, head trainer for a new gym with a twist.

A-Train: Did you say nude gym?

G-Money: No no no. A new gym with a twist.

A-Train: I thought that's what the twist was.

G-Money: No, it-Jessica hi. Welcome, welcome to the studio.

{Graphic: Line in the Studio}

{Caption: IN THE STUDIO: Jessica Alverez: - Head Trainer}

Jessica Alverez: Hey. How's it going?

G-Money: It's going well. Tell us all about the new gym, what's it called?

Jessica: I don't know, you tell me again.

G-Money: Well according to my notes here, it's called Electro-Fit.

{Graphic: Electro-Fit}

Jessica: Right, yeah. How it works is we motivate you to get fit by passing electrical currentsthrough the floor. We really put the-put the jump in jumping jacks. Let me check,hold on I got this written down.

A-Train: Is she okay?

G-Money: Did you say electricity?

Jessica: Yeah yah. Like you know when there's something wrong with your brain and they need to do tests, so they cover you in those electrical zap zap things and then they make your muscles go duh duh duh.

G-Money: Er, miss Alverez? Jessica?!

Jessica: Sorry, what?

G-Money: You mean electrical stimulator pads?

Jessica: Yeah, just like that. Whole floor. Really gets you moving. Don't wear shoes.

A-Train: People pay for this?

Jessica: Oh people will pay for anything.

G-Money: Does it work?

Jessica: Oh hell yeah it does! Look at how amazingly taut my muscles are. You could really see them on the radio. And I only have very fine burns on my feet, hands and face. Anyone will get moving when they got that much juice going through them.

A-Train: That would explain those Lichtenberg scars you have.

Jessica: No no, I'm not flexible enough for Lichtenberg yoga.

G-Money: So does electro fit offer guided classes or is it just sort of a free-for-all?

Jessica: Hey, that's a great question. Also does anybody taste pennies? Anyhow, like, what the great thing about electro fit is since we took over the old hot yoga warehouse, we just like lined all floors with wires so you can come in and go anywhere and just do your thing. As long as your thing is getting a lot electrocuted.

G-Money: The entire floor?

Jessica: Yeah, even the bathrooms.

A-Train: Oh piss.

Jessica: Don't.

G-Money: Well when-when his Electro Fit opening?

Jessica: Oh, well we already had our soft launch that was at 1:10 yesterday and hard launches at 2:20 today.

G-Money: Was that the time of day or the voltage?

Jessica: Huh?

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

G-Money: Well thank you Jessica-oh sorry, just breaking news bulletin...

{Graphic: News}

G-Money: ...so-thank you for that. There's a massive electrical fire at the old hot yoga warehouse; so that will likely affect traffic in that area and to learn nothing more about it, let's check in quickly with Richter Hammockslam up in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter. Richter are you in that area?

{Graphic: Traffic}

Richter Hammockslam: Hello Graham. Yes, I'm in the area and traffic is being affected detrimentally.

A-Train: What did you do to it this time?

Richter: Absolutely nothing Alex. In fact you'll probably be happy to know that traffic is flowing smoothly in the northern regions.

G-Money: Like, north of the electrical fire?

Richter: Perhaps. I'll also let you know that there is a pileup.

G-Money: Where?

Richter: For that information you're going to have to subscribe to Traffic Plus from Hammockslam Industries. For just $13 a month you can find out what and where traffic is happening in your area.

G-Money: Richter, this is your job!

Richter: And unfortunately in this economy the job itself isn't paying quite enough, which is why I'm pivoting into services.

G-Money: You already provide that service-

A-Train: No he doesn't.

G-Money: On paper, to us which is why we pay you.

Richter: Which is why Traffic Plus from Hammockslam Industries include such added benefits as same-day delivery and streaming video on channel 13.

G-Money: Delivery of what?

Richter: Yes. Fragile or close to the edge, whatever you need from its point of origin to its destination. Except animals.

G-Money: Right because of that thing.

Richter: No, because of a non-compete clause.

A-Train: With yourself?!

Richter: It's a legal thing.

G-Money: That-that means yes.

Richter: We also offer ride-sharing and cloud co-hosting.

G-Money: I'm terrified to ask, but what's cloud co-hosting.

Richter: That's a two-part question. First, if you've got some computer programs you want to run, I've got some extra cycles on the Acer laptop running the streaming services. But if you need me to co-host on your program as an announcer, I'm going to do that while I'm up here, in the clouds.

A-Train: I wish is doing aldersm'n stuff instead of this.

Richter: Well Alex, with our one week free trial, you can be. We have a team of task-people ready to take over any task you set them to.

A-Train: Will they strangle you to death if I pay them?

Richter: After the first week, whatever you like. But for that service you will pay the low price of $9.95 a month.

G-Money: You know Alex, I got to be real with you, that seems like an incredible value.

Richter: Act now, this introductory rate won't last long. Back to you in the studio.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

A-Train: Dinger. I spent all my coins on laundry.

G-Money: Do you think even takes cash?

A-Train: Heh, Richter?

G-Money: You're right, we probably need to Venmo it to his Square Cash or something stupid.

A-Train: Yeah, try Linepay.

G-Money: I did once. My elbows were sore for a week.

A-Train: Well I'm glad they got better.

G-Money: They did, thank you. And that's more than we can hope for summer intern Derek, who is on location at Thurpston County Aviation Museum. Come in Derek.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

Derek: Hi Graham, hi Alex. It's me Derek, joining you and all of our wonderful listeners here from Thurpston County Aviation Museum out in the detestable Chuffield.

G-Money: That's an uncharacteristically harsh dunk from you there Derek.

Derek: That's what it said on the sign when I came to town. They just added a new town slogan.

A-Train: Whoops, thought I got rid of those.

G-Money: Derek, was that sign in green spray-paint by any chance?

Derek: Yeah it was very 90s, I love the aesthetic.

G-Money: Cool. Anyway, you were saying?

Derek: I'm here to bear witness to a bunch of people in impressive costumes pretending to have a war.

G-Money: Right, and you have an interview lined up, correct?

Derek: That's correct. I'm standing here with the leader of this entire outfit James Jonathan.

{Caption: IN CHUFFIELD: James Jonathan - Local Leader}

James Jonathan: Or as you might call me here on the fields of battle: Lieutenant Dekota Paint.

{Caption: ON THE FIELDS OF BATTLE: Dakota Paint - Local Lt.}

Derek: I mean I wouldn't.

Dakota Paint: Of course you wouldn't, you're not equipped for the horrors of war.

Derek: No I'm not. I'm here to be a neutral observer to watch what you're about to do to yourself.

Dakota: In the Civil War there are no neutral third parties. All of humanity is brought together in a chundering mess of flesh, metal, and bone.

Derek: Oh this is about the Civil War? Okay, well I'm set to learn more about that when I get back to school in the fall, so don't spoil it for me.

Dakota: That's not something your teachers will tell you about a young child. This is something you'll find it about in several hundred years.

Derek: Oh, I wasn't intending to be in school that long. My dad always told me not to become a career academic.

Dakota: Is that a question?

Derek: Well, I mean to him it was. You should have seen my Uncle Dave. Er, no, I'm getting off track. Look, Lord Your Highness Paint, you and your friends are Civil War reenactors. Is that correct?

Dakota: Ah no, pre-enactors.

{Graphic: Civil Wars Pre-enactors Society}

Derek: Oh, you can do anything you want to the English language if you use hyphens. Go on.

Dakota: Our passion is playing out the great battles of the Civil Wars yet to come. We're here to play out the Battle of Chuff in the war of Oceana against Eurasia.

Derek: Oh, I've been to Oceana once. They had lots of dolphins and a dunk tank.

Dakota: You don't want to say such things here on the battlefield when we're all in character young child.

Derek: I'm 19

Dakota: That's old enough to be drafted. Come with me, we'll get you a uniform.

Derek: Neat. Guys this is gonna play out for a little while. Um, do you want to come along for the ride?

G-Money: Well common sense tells me to say no, but Joan just sent me a message saying we have three minutes to fill so ... yeah, let's find out more about this.

Derek: Okay. It's kind of hard to describe, but you have to picture about 300 guys all dressed in giant mylar bags.

G-Money: That's a surprisingly vivid picture.

A-Train: This is reminding me of a 70s album cover and I can't remember what it is.

{Caption: ON THE FIELDS OF BATTLE: Dakota Paint - Future Lt.}

Dakota: Ah, I see you've noticed the majestic members of our sea force. You can also join the mounted cavalry or the space force; but I should warn you that unless you come with your own helmet filled with Vaseline, we don't have any Cosmoline to lend you.

Derek: I'm noticing a distinct lack of guns.

Dakota: Yes. By this point in the future, all combat takes place on the astral realm.

Derek: So fight with our minds?

Dakota: We fight with our words.

Derek: Like wizards do!

Dakota: Uh huh, yes, the wizard wars. Those will be trying times for our people.

Derek: Do those take place before after the Battle of Chuff?

Dakota: I'll have to check AO3 for the exact dates. But for now we must prepare for the battle.

Derek: Why is it that everyone's fighting each other?

Dakota: It is simply a battle over water.

Derek: Well if you want to fight over water, why did you come all the way out to the Aviation Museum? Back in Nsburg we've got a covert grid, the whole place is over water.

Dakota: That sounds like the words of a Eurasian, you air breather. Go-go talk to Frank, he is running the Eurasian side. We here in beautiful Oceana will not stop until all the land is under a nice, breathable 2 inches of water.

Derek: Are the Eurasians those topless guys with the leg warmers on?

Dakota: They're psychic barriers, and yes.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

Derek: Ok. Well guys, I guess I'm gonna go sit in the field and think bad words at people for a while. If the listeners are interested in having an imaginary battle with their minds, I would say you can either come out to the Thurpston County Aviation Museum, or sit at home and listen to the traffic report. That always makes Alex angry.

{Graphic: Qwerpline}

A-Train: Ya, it does. Every time.

G-Money: I think that was one of Derek's best interviews.

A-Train: I am ssssoooo angry that you're right.

G-Money: Well we're coming on up to the break. When we come back it's mild fire season out on the Chumble Ploodplains, so if you're going for a walk out there break out the thermal gear or walk literally anywhere else.

A-Train: Anywhere. Anywhere at all. In fact it would be better for you to go to the detestable Chuffield.

G-Money: Even Jewelsburg?

A-Train: No, that's too far.

G-Money: Noted. And Darren von Spront is gonna show us this season's designer line of funky lab coats. Promises to really fog up those fume hoods.

A-Train: Isn't moisture under a fume hood really dangerous?

G-Money: Ahhhhhhhh. Stick around more Qwerpline after this.

Announcer: You're listening to Qwerpline here on QWRP FM. Thanks again to our sponsor...

{Graphic: Thurpston County Worst-pun Mountie}

Announcer: ...Thurpston County Worst-pun Mountie. This Canadian expatriate is giving up horseback policing and he's telling terrible jokes down at the Nsburg Esplanade. Thurston County Worst-pun Mountie: mentioned this ad for a discount-e.