Qwerpline Ep06 - Founding Father Transcript

Transcript for Qwerpline Ep06 - Founding Father

{LRR Logo jingle}

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{Intro music}

ANNOUNCER: You're listening to QWERPline here on QWRP FM. QWERPline this week is brought to you by ...

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ANNOUNCER: ... Granny Marge's Man-free Barges. Take a relaxing cruise down the Shaughnessy River on our luxury barges without any pesky men around. Recharge on the barge.

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G-MONEY: Hello and good day and welcome to QWERPline G-Money here with the A-Train. How's it going Alex?

A-TRAIN: The light is burning me the light will take me home.

G-MONEY: That's great.

A-TRAIN: Mmm you say something.

G-MONEY: I thought I was but ... maybe not. This is live you know?

A-TRAIN: Yep.

G-MONEY: Okay then well it's a beautiful, normal day here in Nsburg. where the Nsburg Tourism Board says: "If you lived here, you'd live here" . {Graphic: town slogan}

G-MONEY: It's not one of their better slogans.

A-TRAIN: But it is tautological.

G-MONEY: It is that.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: That reminds me Alex I was shooting pool down at the town hall the other day and they have a new drink in for the holidays, it's called the hot tautology.

A-TRAIN: What's in that one?

G-MONEY: That's a jigger of warm Scotch with another jigger of warm Scotch.

A-TRAIN: That's awfully clever for the Town Hall.

G-MONEY: Well their ice machine was broken, so that's why. And now the news.

{Graphic and music: News}

G-MONEY: Road closure reminder, fall is in full swing so of course this weekend is the annual Nsburg marathon.

A-TRAIN: My second favorite leg moving exercise.

G-MONEY: Not going there but I will remind our listeners that this year the steeplechase makes its return.

A-TRAIN: The moratorium was lifted?

G-MONEY: That's what the organizers tell me.

A-TRAIN: I thought it was court-mandated?

G-MONEY: It was but apparently was voluntary and they lost a lot of volunteers last year.

A-TRAIN: Well it sounds like the paramedics are gonna have their work cut out for them try to keep those roads clear.

G-MONEY: Speaking of having their work cut out for the Nsburg Search and Rescue is now entering the fourth day of the search for the 8 missing persons lost in the Bumper Crop Farms corn maze.

A-TRAIN: He told me last week it was maize not corn.

G-MONEY: The 8 missing humans, with thoughts and feelings and families of their own, were last seen on Thursday entering the corn maze at Bumper Crop Farms and Nsburg Search and Rescue is putting out the call for more volunteers to help them find those 8 people and the 13 other volunteers that are also now missing.

A-TRAIN: I guess we know now that whatever Farmer Bumper put in that field to make it grow has worked a treat.

G-MONEY: You're not kidding. Of course we here at QWERPline are trying to do our part so we go now to our own Richter Hammockslam in the QWRP Traffic Qwopter in the skies above Bumper Crop Farms. How's it going up there Richter?

{Graphic: QWRP Traffic Qwopter}'’

{Caption: ON THE PHONE: Richter Hammockslam - QWRP Traffic}

RICHTER: Graham I'm in the air and traffic is fully smoothly down Main Street in a downtown Nsburg. There are no accidents and the day is free and clear for all travellers.

{Laugh break}

ALEX: You son of a bitch.

GRAHAM: God damn it.

G-MONEY: I ... That's great news for commuters, Richter. I-I-I thought that we'd sent you to Bumper Crop Farms?

RICHTER: Meanwhile on Forth traffic is backed up due to a Girl Scout Troop helping an old lady cross the street it's a bit of a nuisance but hey, they're doing their part. I believe that didn't even take her wallet out this time.

A-TRAIN: What a bunch of thugs.

G-MONEY: Mercenaries technically. Richter I really appreciate this wonderful traffic advice you're giving us but you were supposed to be trying to assist in the search and rescue over the corn maze at Bumper Farms.

RICHTER: That's what it said on the sheet but you wouldn't catch me anywhere near that Bermuda Triangle. Twenty-one people have already disappeared while I do not have a wife and children I hope that one day if I were to disappear someone with mourn me.

A-TRAIN: It's good to have hopes and dreams.

G-MONEY: Richter could you just fly near the corn maze.

RICHTER: Not in your life Graham. There's a self-imposed no-fly zone over top of that corn maze much like the city imposed no-fly zone over top of the Jewelsberg motor oval.

G-MONEY: You don't just get to make up your own no-fly zones.

RICHTER: I'm the one in the helicopter, you're the one with the microphone.

G-MONEY: Richter you also have a microphone.

RICHTER: Game, set and match Richter. Back to you Graham.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: QWRP, doing our part to help. Before we move on Nsburg Search and Rescue would like to remind you that if you are going to the Bumper Crop Farms corn maze - which is inexplicably still open to the public - dress warm, bring a snack, plenty of water, a flare and whatever religious book will bring you comfort in dark times.

A-TRAIN: And farmer Bumper would like us to remind you to bring cash because he does not accept credit cards for entry into the maize corn.

G-MONEY: And now over to our summer intern Derek, who has an interview with Thurpston County aldermen Richard Thurpston. His honor Aldermen Thurpston is in town this weekend as grand marshal of the Nsburg marathon and he will be firing the Nsburg ceremonial blunderbuss to start the race off on Saturday.

A-TRAIN: Oh, is that why the drug store is selling air plugs it twice the price.

G-MONEY: Over to you Derek.

DEREK: Oh god. They're gonna kill me, I got here too late. I should call and, no, don't call ahead, don't call ahead. This toast is good though {coughing} okay no more toast. Oh she's pretty. Hi I'm on the radio. What? Right, no, in like 20 minutes? No supposed to be ... I can get a coffee.

G-MONEY: I guess we'll check back in with Derek later in the show. Did he just land a date?

A-TRAIN: That's what it sounded like.

G-MONEY: I'm honestly kind of impressed.

A-TRAIN: Yeah he's got really good cardio.

G-MONEY: Yeah. And a, er, speaking of which it's now time for sports with QWRP sports reporter Clem Alberts.

A-TRAIN: Great segue G.

{Graphic and music: Sports}

G-MONEY: How's it going Clem?

CLEMENTINE: Ah for last time that's Clementine.

G-MONEY: Right we did talk about that.

A-TRAIN: I thought we had a rapport.

CLEMENTINE: Where you get my name wrong every single day is not a rapport.

G-MONEY: Well what's going on in local sports Clemen-tine.

CLEMENTINE: Well sports fans it's finally Sideball season again.

G-MONEY: Thank goodness I just can't handle those empty summer months.

A-TRAIN: I've already laundered both my foam fingers this year.

CLEMENTINE: We all know the Nsburg high Sideball team, the Literal Tigers ...

{Graphic: Nsburg Literal Tigers}

CLEMENTINE: ... have pretty high expectations on their tigery shoulders after coming fifth in last year's side ball grinder. And if you want to follow along with the action, why wouldn't you, the December grinder schedule is as follows: On December 2nd we of course have the big kickoff home game here at Nsburg high, then we go on to Chufield where they fight the Topes on December 6th. On the 9th the team buses down to lesser Miami where they'll get revenge on the Buccaneers after last year's defeat, I hope. Then we take a short break until the 17th where the Literal Tigers will hopefully bury the Mole-Rats in Houston. And we finish up December on the 20th in Jewelsburg with what's sure to be an epic game against the Jewelsburg Minors.

A-TRAIN: A bit of a misnomer on the Minors team name, some of them have failed and are now past the age of majority.

G-MONEY: Well Clementine, as a side ball fan, and who isn't, that just sounds like it's going to be a great opener to this season. Let me ask you: you've, you've looked at the teams; are the literal Tigers going to be going with a nine-man defense this year? Are they gonna go more sort of Parisian style? What do you think their plans are?

CLEMENTINE: After last year's experiments with the triple hami technique, I think coach McFeels is taking things back to basics and focusing more on working the north wall. There's a couple new players that I would watch out for, one of them being 14 year old Johanna Flaherty. He may be young but he's got a thyroid problem and he's the size of a refrigerator.

A-TRAIN: Finally something to shore up our defense on the South wicket.

CLEMENTINE: Exactly Alex. And last year's breakout star Melody Yum is returning his punter so I think that's good news.

A-TRAIN: No way?! She was on fire last year.

CLEMENTINE: Well she was, but she's out of the burn unit ready to play.

A-TRAIN: Sensational you know I used to play second turnstile for the literal Tigers who's got that position this year.

CLEMENTINE: Great question Alex. Second turnstile is actually a linchpin of Coach McFeels strategy this year. Coach McFeels actually commissioned a lifelike dummy that's a replica of first turnstile player Salty Doll to confuse and confound the other teams.

A-TRAIN: I always wanted to do that when I was playing but I never had the Sideballs to pull it off.

CLEMENTINE: And as a reminder to all our listeners of your as excited about the season as I am, be sure to head to the Sideball bake sale in support of the Literal Tigers this weekend at the marathon. You can get your fill of shortbread Sideballs.

A-TRAIN: Those sound a lot more pleasant to take to the mouth than a real Sideball.

CLEMENTINE: Yeah the bake sale is in support of the team's orthodontics budget.

G-MONEY: All going well I'll be there for the first breakout at every game this season. Love side ball so much. Thank you Clem for your time.

CLEMENTINE: Clement-

G-MONEY: Clementine, sorry. And we'll talk to you next time.

CLEMENTINE: Thank You Graham and remember be like a literal tigers and keep your balls in the air.

G-MONEY: Now let's see if Derek has figured his life out for our exclusive interview with aldersman Richard Thurpston.

{Graphic: Live on Location}

DEREK: Hey Graham it's the coolest thing just happened I got to tell you all about it.

G-MONEY: Is it an interview with his honor the aldersman Richard Thurpston?

DEREK: So I'm here right now in the coffee shop on 4th and I was finishing my coffee and it's totally on time and you wouldn't believe what happened. Um, I'm sitting in the booth and there was like it's packed in, did you know is packed in here every day right?

G-MONEY: Yes?

DEREK: Yeah, so I'm sitting here and I'm just finishing my coffee I'm about to get up and leave and this guy walks in and he sits down at the booth with me. And you'll never guess who!

G-MONEY: It is his honor Aldersman Mr. Richard Thurpston?

DEREK: That's right. How did you know?

G-MONEY: He was supposed to meet you there.

DEREK: Oh I thought that was tomorrow. My calendar's a day behind because I bought one of the discount calendars from the mall last weekend.

G-MONEY: Hang on, you just bought a calendar in October?

DEREK: My dad doesn't like it when I buy calendars too early in the year he says it leads to "bad planning".

G-MONEY: Was he, by chance, glaring at you while he said "bad planning"?

DEREK: No he just kind of looks off into the distance like he's sad.

{Laugh break}

G-MONEY: Derek this is fascinating but is Mr. Thurpston still with you?

DEREK: Yeah, I bought him a coffee and everything so you stick around. I was having a really good conversation with him.

G-MONEY: Oh, well, that's ...

DEREK: I didn't think to record it though. I always wanted to have one of those off-the-record conversations you know?

G-MONEY: On the record, can you please start this interview?

DEREK: You bet. Okay, um, your worship I'm Derek. I'm with QWRP FM QWERPline and i want to interview you today. Is that okay?

RICHARD: Pleasure to be on the air with you here Graham this intern of yours is a very energetic young boy.

DEREK: I'm 19, your majesty.

G-MONEY: Mr. Thurpston, thank you so much for joining us in Nsburg this weekend to kick off the annual marathon.

RICHARD: That's my pleasure been here many years before and it's always quite a privilege being able to fire the opening blunderbuss.

G-MONEY: Well we're thrilled you keep coming back.

RICHARD: I only hope that the steeplechase casualties will be at a minimum this year. Can scarcely believe that they allowed the event to return.

A-TRAIN: It is voluntary.

RICHARD: In God's hands now.

G-MONEY: You need and you had something else you wanted to announce to then?

RICHARD: Yes of course. I'm using this opportunity to announce a new sports scholarship for the youth of Thurpston County.

DEREK: Well that's great there's like a lot of youth in Thurpston County, I know coz I am one. And my dad says you already have metric shit ton of money anyway.

G-MONEY: Derek! Radio!

DEREK: Oh sorry. I guess an imperial shit ton of money.

G-MONEY: DEREK!

DEREK: I'm allowed to quote my dad on the air, aren't I?

RICHARD: I don't usually like to make a fuss about my personal finances, but I have been blessed with quite a substantial fortune and I'd like to give back to the community that put me in that position in the first place.

G-MONEY: Thank you so much Mr. Thurpston. You've always been so generous to the people of this county.

DEREK: One thing I always wondered, though, is how are you so lucky to have the same name as the county we live in. Did your dad name it after you?

RICHARD: Well you see Derek I helped found Thurpston County back in the 1970s as a way to break away from the oppressive tax regimes of ...

{Sound effect: Thud}

DEREK: Of who? Your lordship?

G-MONEY: Mr. Thurpston? Derek I think his microphone cut out.

DEREK: Oh no, he just fell asleep.

G-MONEY: Derek what do you mean he fell asleep?

DEREK: Oh his eyes glazed over and he just went face down into his muffins. So sleepy.

A-TRAIN: Oh shit!

DEREK: I don't see a lot of people sleep with their eyes open though.

G-MONEY: Derek is he breathing?

DEREK: I don't know how his face is like right in that muffin.

A-TRAIN: Derek call 9-1-1.

DEREK: Oh no. Alex are you okay?

G-MONEY: For Mr. Thurpston.

DEREK: Graham call an ambulance, I think Alex is having a seizure.

G-MONEY: Derek just stay calm we'll send someone to help.

A-TRAIN: I am calm and I can do this interview on my own.

G-MONEY: Who are we gonna send. Richter?

A-TRAIN: No, I'm gonna call an ambulance.

G-MONEY: And a-also listeners if anyone is in the cafe on 4th and is a trained medical professional, please go and help the man face down in his muffins.

A-TRAIN: This is no way for a man to die.

G-MONEY: Face down in his muffins?

A-TRAIN: No, sitting across from Derek.

DEREK: I can still hear you guys.

G-MONEY: Derek is Richard Thurpston - dead?

DEREK: OH! Oh! Oh.

A-TRAIN: Derek?

DEREK: Yeah?

A-TRAIN: Were you responding to your name, or in the affirmative that Mr. Thurpston is dead?

DEREK: OH, oh. Does this mean I've haunted now?

G-MONEY: Probably.

A-TRAIN: Ask your dad.

G-MONEY: Derek it sounds like help is arriving we're gonna let you go.

DEREK: Don't leave me here with the ghost.

{Graphic: QWERPline}

G-MONEY: Obviously listeners we can't confirm anything at this time and please keep listening we'll have more as it develops, after this break. When we come back it's a quarter hour of hilarious pranks as we team up with Jimmy Jam's afternoon Jams and the Prank Patrol. I'm going to ask our engineer to not play the fart sound effect we have queued up.

{Sound effect: Fart}

A-TRAIN: Thanks Gus.

G-MONEY: And after that, live in the studio: Mirtho the clown promises to take us to Smileville.

A-TRAIN: I think he's writing checks he can't cash.

{Bing sound effect}

G-MONEY: Really Gus? Stick around more after this.

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