Twins, Twins and Tamogatchis Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Twins, Twins and Tamogatchis

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where I want my eggs back! Because I am Angry Birds. Joining me this week is Angry Birds: Space,

Paul: In space... you can only hear pigs laughing.

Graham: And Angry Birds: Seasons!

Kathleen: I have more levels than every ziggurat in the world added together.

Graham: And we're all full a bird poos!

{TITLE: WE'RE ALL FULL OF (BIRD POOS)/NEWS (SUBTITLE: THAT'S ACTUALLY SUPER GROSS)}

Graham: German man Peter Breiter is an interesting kind of banker, because in his village of five hundred in rural Germany, he IS the bank. The entire bank.

Kathleen: It's hard to rail against the cold, unfeeling nature of corporate banking culture when it can hear you, and it's sitting beside you as you're having a drink in the pub.

Paul: For regulatory purposes, he keeps all investment income in his left pocket, and all deposits in his right pocket.

Kathleen: It would suck to live in that village, because imagine this: it's 2 AM, you're drunk, and the wienerschnitzel cart only takes cash. You can't find an ATM, you just have to go to Peter's house. That's gonna make you feel bad. You're probably not gonna get that wienerschnitzel.

Paul: I actually kinda hope that there's just an ATM like, on the outside of his house.

{SHOT OF KATHLEEN AND PAUL ON THE SOFA}

Kathleen: I wanna withdraw twenty dollars. And it's just like, a hand comes out of a slot.

Paul: Psh, yeah... the ATM is actually just his mail slot.

Kathleen: Yeah yeah, but if you're overdrawn a hand comes out and punches you.

{BOTH LAUGH}

Graham: To be clear, he's not just like, some guy. {READING} The... "Raiffeisen Gammesfeld eG Cooperative Bank" in southern Germany is one of the country's ten smallest banks, and is the only one to be operated by one staff member. He is legally a bank.

Paul: Is it really a cooperative if it's just him?

Kathleen: It kind of has to be. If you don't cooperate with him, you can't take your money out.

Graham: How did you spend your Valentine's day? Sitting inside by yourself? Out having dinner? Fighting people for greeting cards? Well, a Texas woman decided to spend it by giving birth to twins. Twice.

Kathleen: Wait, four kids, but they're not quadruplets?

Graham: No, not quadruplets, but two sets of identical twins. The twins are the same, but the four of them are not.

Kathleen: Pretty much every newborn I've seen looks like a sad baked potato that's covered in mucus. How could they tell they weren't all identical?! I mean, all babies look the same anyhow. I'm calling shenanigans.

Graham: Well, two boys shared one placenta, and two boys shared a different placenta. And now, with the couples' two year old, they have FIVE kids all of a sudden.

Kathleen: Oh my god, they're so close to their own baseball team!

Paul: Like, when you say that they're not twins, obviously they're still from the same genetic material. So, even though they're not going to look like, identical, the two groups, they're gonna look pretty similar. But it would be amazing if they looked like, really separate, if it was like, you know, Twins with Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito, except there's two Danny Devitos and two Arnold Schwarzeneggers.

Kathleen: Oh man! That is ripe for a remake using today's stars and green screening technology. Twins 2! With Zach Galifianakis and The Rock!

Paul: In the titles they can be re-credited as Zach Galifianakis, Zach Galifianakis, and The Rocks.

Graham: I'm just gonna preempt you all with this, your Tamagotchi is probably dead by now. But, you could have a new one, in the form of a smart phone app, complete with a picture of an actual Tamagotchi keyring on the screen. That... you still push the same buttons on. It's just like having one, except it's on your phone.

Paul: In hindsight, I'm kind of glad that Tamagotchis existed in a time before push notifications.

Kathleen: {HOLDING IPHONE} Wow, look at this. Eighteen reminders to feed my virtual pet. Meanwhile, my real pet has been nagging me the whole time as well. Hooray!

Paul: Obviously you need to teach your real pet how to use push notifications.

Graham: The cat's version of a push notification is actually just pushing you.

Kathleen: {HOLDING IPHONE} Hmm. I just got a text from Khaavren. He says "meow meow meow, meow meow blech."

Graham: No no no no, the trick is not to teach your cat to give you push notifications, but to teach your cat to play with the Tamagotchi. Keeps your Tamagotchi fed, keeps the cat occupied. You can sleep!

Paul: As soon as you said that, I was thinking like, "hey, it wouldn't be that tough to build some sort of switch thing that the cat could hit and it would automatically send notification to you." And then I realized that I don't think I want a cat to have that much power.

Graham: {LOOKING UP} Meow meow meow!

{LOOKING DOWN} What?

{LOOKING UP} I left the room and then I forgot where you were!

A new colony of nine thousand penguins in the Antarctic has been discovered when satellite imagery revealed a MASSIVE trail of poo.

Paul: I actually approve of this poop satellite technology. I feel like it could tell us all sorts of interesting things about the world, and where people poop on it.

{SHOT OF KATHLEEN AND PAUL ON THE SOFA}

Kathleen: We need to find some poop. Quickly!

Paul: I'LL GET THE SATELITE!

{CUT TO JUST PAUL}

Paul: Now, penguins are predominantly black on their back and white on their belly, right? So you'd think on the snow they'd be pretty easy to see just with regular satellite imagery. You wouldn't need to check out their poop.

Kathleen: Yeah, they saw what happened to their friends in the other penguin colony after all those stupid Planet Earth photographers came by, and they're like, "oh my god they're beset by tourists, people won't leave them the FUCK alone, that's it! Everybody, next time you see a plane, on your backs!"

Graham: And now that they've been discovered, Morgan Freeman and David Attenborough are in a footrace down there to see who gets to narrate 'em first.

Paul: Aww man, now I want to see a documentary of them running to the Antarctic, but have Morgan Freeman's part narrated by David Attenborough, and David Attenborough's part narrated by Morgan Freeman! It would be AMAZING!

Kathleen: Could you get insurance for that? I mean, old people are already so brittle! Imagine what they'd be like at antarctic temperatures!

Graham: And now, a very special episode of Lol, Canada.

{TITLE: LOL, CANADA! OUR HOME AND- OH.}

Graham: Some Irish bookmakers who are apparently the arbiters of these things have said that the smart money is that the next pope will be Canadian.

Kathleen: That's shocking. I mean, considering that the Canadian candidate is an old white guy. Much like the one he will be replacing.

Paul: Aww. I'm kind of disappointed that we actually already know who the Canadian cardinal that's up for the job is. I was kinda hoping it was just gonna be, it could be ANY Canadian!

Graham: It's not like jury duty. You don't get a letter saying "you have been summoned to be pope!"

Kathleen: Yeah, jeez, Paul. The Catholic church is moving with the times. They send it via email.

Paul: Weirdly, dressing as the pope would be a solid way to get out of jury duty.

Kathleen: {WEARING POPE HAT} Don't worry. I'm uniquely qualified to sit on this jury! Unlike everybody else, God really IS telling me who's guilty!

Graham: Because Paddy Power will give you odds on anything, once you get down past the legitimate candidates, you get options like Bono, or Reverend Dougal McGuire from Father Ted, who is a fictional character. Both of them have thousand to one odds.

Paul: So you're telling me Bono has the same chance of being pope as a fictional character?

Kathleen: {WEARING POPE HAT} I thought Bono WAS a fictional character.

Graham: Well really, who isn't a fictional character? {BEAT} Until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON ANGRY KYO BEANIE} this hat. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to send a push notification. {TYPES ON IPHONE} Please change my litter... right meow. {SENDS MESSAGE} {NODS} Good.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: And, these parents are smart, because they've nipped in the bud immediately the "who was born first" question, by naming the four kids Ace, Blaine, Cash, and Dylan. {BEAT} {LAUGHS}

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Ace?!

Graham: Ace. {STARTS LAUGHING}

Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Out of every boy's A name in the universe they go with ACE?!