There's Free Weed In Vancouver Now Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- There's Free Weed In Vancouver Now

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump! And in honor of E3, we are failed video game consoles. I'm the Virtual Boy... and I can't see properly now. Joining me this week is the Phantom,

Andrew: Even now, I'm not actually here.

Graham: And the Ooya.

Kathleen: I'm not wrong!

Graham: Oohhh snap!

{TITLE: SHE ISN'T WRONG, BUT SHE ISN'T NICE EITHER... (SUBTITLE: I'M SORRY GUYS, BUT YOU NEED A BUSINESS PLAN THAT'S NOT JUST 'YAH! KICKSTARTER!')}

Graham: In a Pacific Northwest twist on a social media meme, someone in Vancouver, British Columbia, is hiding envelopes of weed around the city and then Tweeting clues as to its location.

Andrew: {WEARING HEART-SHAPED SUNGLASSES} I just want to point out, I've been in Victoria all weekend.

Kathleen: Be right back. {GETS UP FROM SOFA}

Andrew: Alright kids, well, the Tooth Fairy might not be real, but the Weed Fairy sure as hell is!

Kathleen: And unlike the Meth Fairy, the Weed Fairy won't take your teeth.

Andrew: Welcome to beautiful Vancouver where we have so much weed, we've just resorted to giving it away.

Kathleen: I love the idea of this, but I'm a little annoyed because it's not like you can go around distributing just anything. If you leave out random free baked goods, people were like "No I don't want those, those could be laced with drugs." But if you leave out drugs, that's okay?! People aren't like, "Aren't this- isn't this laced with other worse drugs?"

Graham: {HOLDING BLACK IPHONE} This is following on the social media memes of hiding money and telling people where it is, and then hiding beer and telling people where it is. The Vancouver Police constable said {READS} "The hidden money was interesting, the hidden beer was fun, maybe not thought out but it had good intentions. The hidden marijuana is a bit ridiculous."

Kathleen: And by ridiculous, he means fucking awesome!

Graham: {STILL READING} "Even if you're not selling it to someone, if you're basically delivering it to someone, that is considered trafficking."

Andrew: Yeah, so I can basically already picture like Michael Douglas dramatically stapling it to a post.

Graham: It's time again for everyone's favorite Feed Dump segment, Paul and Matt have to figure out what Graham is talking about. Except, since they have not been on a Feed Dump together since literally the first episode, this week filling in for Matt is Andrew and filling in for Paul is Kathleen.

{TITLE: PAUL AND MATT HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT GRAHAM IS TALKING ABOUT (but with "ANDREW" and "KATHLEEN" pasted over Paul and Matt.)}

Graham: {HOLDING BLACK IPHONE} A Florida man has painted the front of his house to look like a giant American flag to protest what?

Andrew: He actually just got back from a trip to Vancouver and guess what he found!!

Kathleen: The house next door that's painted like a giant Canadian flag.

Andrew: Just straight up fucking communism.

Kathleen: Ooh ooh! Gaming related 'cos E3 week, The Last Guardian getting cancelled. That'll show Sony!

Andrew: Well it's painted like an American flag, so he'd probably want to protest something that's really un-America- {CLAPS HANDS} Obama!

Kathleen: I'm gonna take a slightly different approach here. I'm gonna say, the American flag painting was just a little bit of high spirits on his part and then his wife came home and she was like "What the shit did you do to the house?" and he was like "No, it's in protest of... crocodiles?"

Andrew: Come on, Leroy, think fast!

Kathleen: {TALKING ON IPHONE} What, The Last Guardian's not cancelled? Oh my God, make up your mind! No wonder that guy painted his house.

Graham: So, startlingly, those were all wrong. As it turns out, the guy lives in... one of those neighborhoods. And a neighbor complained that a Christmas tree that they were storing on their front porch had fallen over. And so the code enforcement officer showed up to write him a citation for this, and then just went nuts with the citations.

{READING FROM IPHONE} He was cited additionally for "lack of screens on some of his windows, some peeling house paint, some yard debris and some rotted wood on the building." So basically the American flag is his way of saying "I'm sorry, I thought this was America."

Kathleen: Why would they cite somebody for not having screens on their windows? I mean, if you get mosquitoes in your house, it's not a detriment to the neighborhood. Are they that racist that anything that's not a white person moving in is a bad thing?

Andrew: You know what, screw the terrorists. It's time America declared war on homeowner's associations! Fuck those guys!

Kathleen: {READING FROM IPHONE} We shall go on to the end. We shall fight by our fences, we will fight by our sheds and our gardens, and we will fight with growing strength and growing confidence to paint our houses light robin's-egg blue instead of regular robin's-egg blue. We shall defend our castle, whatever the cost maybe. We shall fight in the vacant lot behind our development that is yet to be turned into another sub-development, beside the basketball courts and behind the gazebo. We shall fight on the hill that is beside the communal mailbox that's kind of a pain in the dick to get up to. We shall fight and we shall never surrender!

Andrew: {OFFSCREEN} Churchill was British!

Kathleen: ... {SINGING} America, fuck yeah!

Andrew: I'm just surprised he didn't paint a giant ding-dong on it.

Kathleen: That's phase two.

Graham: Dateline: Boyertown, Pennsylvania. A school district aide has been suspended after she tricked students into eating pet treats, telling them they were cookies.

Kathleen: Wow. Kids are stupid. No wonder they have to go to school for all those years.

Andrew: I kinda wanna make fun of these kids, but when I was in university, my RA tricked me into drinking laundry detergent, so... I don't really think I have a leg to stand on here.

Kathleen: Hooooowwww?

Andrew: Well, basically they claimed that it was a new sort of raspberry drink from... Tim Horton's, and you know how laundry detergent kind of has a red color to it? I was very sick so I couldn't smell anything, so I was just, "Okay, I'll try a sip." And it tasted terrible so I swallowed it to get the taste out of my mouth. And then I vomited for like, six hours. {SHRUGS} University.

Kathleen: {SHRUGS} Attempted murder.

Andrew: I just really want to know how she sold that to the kids. Like, was it like "Alright class, today we're gonna eat these mystery biscuits I brought from home, don't tell your parents!"

Kathleen: I understand maybe thinking this idea, but I don't understand the follow through. I mean. I realize there's a lot of joy to be gained from seeing children suffer.

Andrew: In her defense, the bacon ones tasted pretty good.

Kathleen: You need to stop eating things people give you immediately.

Andrew: {WITH IPHONE IN HIS MOUTH} What?

Graham: Does it matter at all that she got seventy-five kids to do this?

Andrew: Okay, I think we're really missing the point here. Who cares that she got this fucking kids to eat dog biscuits, her class size is seventy-five?! Man! Teachers have it rough, let 'em do what they want!

Kathleen: To be honest, with seventy-five kids in the class, I'm impatient enough to do anything!

Andrew: Well, with that many, you need to stack them and I guess the most logical thing is just like pet carriers, so they're in cages, right?

Kathleen: That's how I'd run my classroom. Do not pay me to watch your children, folks!

Graham: You kidding? I'm not even paying you for this. Until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat, {PUTS ON MINECRAFT DIAMOND HELMET} which used to have a complete matching suit of armor, but then a creeper blew up... and I accidentally hit the wrong buttons and I... threw it into lava. So now I just have the helmet. But my head is safe!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: Does it matter at all that she got- {LOOKS FOR IPHONE} Hey.

Andrew: What's phase three?

Kathleen: I think phase three is painting over everything else and putting a hostess's ding-dong on the side of your house. That'll show 'em.

Andrew: {WEARING BLACK MUSTACHE} Wait, what?