Guessing Games Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Guessing Games

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump. Home of the Whopper. {LOOKS CONFUSED} I'm a giant novelty fork. {HOLDS UP GIANT NOVELTY FORK} Joining me this week is a giant novelty spoon,

Paul: {HOLDING GIANT NOVELTY SPOON} My spoon is too big!

Graham: {HOLDING GIANT NOVELTY FORK} And a slinky!

Matt: {PLAYS WITH SLINKY}

Graham: {HOLDING GIANT NOVELTY FORK} We're very tired. {PAUSE} And... a news thing. Shit!

{TITLE: AND... A NEWS THING?/SHIT}

Paul: You've done this like, what, fifty times?

Graham: I have, and unless I'm miscounting, it's the first time since the first episode that we've been able to have Paul and Matt try to figure out what Graham is talking about and actually have it be Paul and Matt! So we're gonna do that.

{TITLE: PAUL AND MATT HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT GRAHAM IS TALKING ABOUT}

Graham: What kind of new flavour of sundae is Burger King introducing?

Paul: Well, it's Burger King, so... Burger Flavour?

Matt: I'm gonna go with an old standby and say marshmallow.

Paul: Ooh, ooh. The burger one could have ketchup as like, the sauce on top, like chocolate sauce.

Matt: No, it couldn't.

Paul: Maybe, maybe they're switching it up, maybe it's plain. Like, they call it a plain sundae, or like an original sundae, but it's just, it's just soft-serve ice cream with nothing on it.

A reverse sundae! It's chocolate ice cream and then they put white, uh... sauce on like a, like a marshmallow sauce on it.

Graham: You've guessed something similar before! The answer is bacon. With bacon crumbles and a whole stick of bacon in the top.

Paul: Aaugh! It's ALWAYS bacon! Should have guessed bacon!

Graham: {READING FROM IPAD} Eighteen grams of fat and sixty-one grams of sugar.

Matt: And seventy-nine grams of delicious!

Graham: OK we're going to try another one.

{TITLE: PAUL AND MATT HAVE TO FIGURE OUT-} {CUTS OFF}

Graham: What bizarre add-on to a Dubai billboard gives it a price tag of one point three billion dollars for a month?

Paul: BACON! The entire billboard is made out of bacon. And it costs that much because they have to keep re-putting the bacon on.

That would actually be really effective. Imagine you're like, driving down the road, in like, an open-top car, and the delicious smell of bacon comes up, it's like "ooh I want to drive towards that!"

Matt: I'd buy it!

Paul: Is it like, a live billboard, that it's like, you know, a hundred people all like, standing in a perfect formation for a month?

Matt: What about a live broadcast TV crew? Like, the entire billboard is basically just a television screen, and there's an entire production crew doing a twenty-four hour a day, seven day a week live video advertisement that just plays for the duration of the month on this billboard.

Paul: Or rather than it being a TV, it's just a clear piece of glass, with like, a whole sitcom set behind it, that is actually happening all the time! And they can never go home. That actually wouldn't cost very much money, because, presumably the people are prisoners.

Matt: The billboard just sprays money. Like, of the one point three billion dollars that was actually required to set this ad up, only point three billion is actually what it took to set the billboard up, the one billion dollars is just what it ultimately extrudes over the course of its advertising period.

Paul: That would actually... if you had a billion dollars to spend on a billboard, that'd actually work, like you could, you could spray a million dollars a thousand times over the course of a month. More than thirty times a day, you're spraying a million dollar- like, that would be worth camping out outside the billboard!

Matt: It's flawless!

Graham: You were on the right track with the involvement of people. It's a billboard for Skydive Dubai, and it's got like the big text on it, and it's got a jet pack, and a phone number and everything, and then, the guy in the jet pack steps out of the billboard, and takes off and flies around it in a jet pack since it's just a guy in a jet pack.

It didn't actually run for a month, but had it run for a month, that's the cost they say it would've, that it would've cost.

Paul: Skydiving doesn't usually involve jet packs. It usually involves just, kind of falling.

Matt: Apparently you've just been doing the wrong kind of skydiving, Paul.

Paul: Apparently so!

Graham: They arrived at this one point three billion dollar estimate because, for the period of time that they did it, the cost per second was five hundred dollars.

Paul: Flying first class on an airplane isn't that exp- like, and you're like, a private jet isn't that expensive!

Matt: I'm actually just fascinated by what the potential ROI on this billboard is, because, like, it couldn't have run for more than a day or two. How many people actually saw this billboard?

Paul: Do they physically have enough capacity in their skydiving system to allow enough people in it to recoup all that money?! Like, even if they were working around the clock throwing people out of airplanes!

Graham: I'm just imagining a cloud of parachutes just darkening the skies of Dubai. They're all getting, like, hung up on the top of the Burj, just dangling there. It just... it just doesn't seem scalable.

Graham: {WEARING GOOFY TOOTHED ZOMBIE TOQUE} This isn't relevant to the story, I just felt like wearing a hat.

Paul: {WEARING TOP HAT} Well I wanna wear a hat too!

{PAUL AND MATT-} {CUTS OFF}

Graham: {WEARING GOOFY TOOTHED ZOMBIE TOQUE} What does the KKK want to do in Georgia that they may not be allowed to do?

Paul: {WEARING TOP HAT} Be the KKK?

Matt: {WEARING JESTER HAT} Dance party! {DANCES}

Paul: {WEARING TOP HAT} Ooh, how about just, be racist? Like, it's like, "you guys can be the KKK, you can dress up as you, however you want, but you have to watch your language, OK, we don't wanna hear any inflammatory comments."

Matt: {WEARING JESTER HAT} On second thought, it seems like it might be difficult to have a dance party in those robes. Though I guess that depends on what kind of dance....

Paul: {WEARING TOP HAT} Probably a lot of shuffling.

{STILL WEARING TOP HAT} How about not wear their robes? That like, if you're part of the KKK, you have to wear the robes all the time, so everybody knows.

Graham: {WEARING GOOFY TOOTHED ZOMBIE TOQUE} KKK in Georgia want to... adopt a highway.

Matt: {WEARING JESTER HAT} That seems counter-productive. 'Cause I know that if I saw a sign that said "this stretch of highway adopted by the KKK," I would just wanna litter more.

Graham: {WEARING GOOFY TOOTHED ZOMBIE TOQUE} Yeah, 'cause when I was in elementary school, if you did something really bad, you got garbage duty. You got a bag and the little grabby arm and sent around the, sent around the school grounds picking up litter. It was a punishment. This is voluntary garbage duty.

Matt: {WEARING JESTER HAT} Keep them doing something other than being racist.

Paul: {WEARING TOP HAT} I dunno, I think they're pretty good multitaskers. I think they could be racist while they pick up litter.

Graham: {WEARING BLUE SONIC TOQUE} OK, one more time, you're bound to get it one of these days.

{THE PAUL AND MATT TITLE PLAYS, BUT IT SKIPS FORWARD A BUNCH} {TITLE: PAUL MATT FIGURE OUT GRAHAM TALKING ABOUT}

Graham: {WEARING BLUE SONIC TOQUE} After recently discovering it on an archeological dig, the Bulgarian history museum plans to put the skeleton of what on display?

Paul: {WEARING CAMOFLAGE MILITARY CAP} I mean, the obvious thing would be a person, maybe like a famous Bulgarian? I don't know any off hand, but...

Graham: {WEARING BLUE SONIC TOQUE, READING FROM IPAD} Like, famous outside Bulgaria? Um... Ckristo? The guy who wraps islands in fabric... the dude who played Viktor Krum in the Harry Potter movies... one of the ladies from Ladytron... I don't think they found any of their skeletons, 'cause they're all still alive.

Paul: {WEARING CAMOFLAGE MILITARY CAP} OK, well if it's not a person, maybe it's like a new animal, like the Bulgarian tiger or something.

Matt: {WEARING GYARADOS TOQUE} Obvious answer is some sort of dinosaur.

Paul: {WEARING CAMOFLAGE MILITARY CAP} The Bulgarian brontosaurus. That's qu- oh wait. Brontosaurus is not real.

{STILL WEARING CAMOFLAGE MILITARY CAP} What's the thing that was thought-

{PANS TO MATT}

Matt: {WEARING GYARADOS TOQUE} It was the apatosaurus was the brontosaurus. With the head on it.

Paul: {WEARING CAMOFLAGE MILITARY CAP} Alright, the Bulgarian apatosaurus. {MUMBLES} That doesn't sound as good.

Matt: {WEARING GYARADOS TOQUE} Bulgarasaurus!

{STILL WEARING GYARADOS TOQUE} The prehistoric giant Bulgarian sloth.

Paul: {WEARING CAMOFLAGE MILITARY CAP} A unicorn?

Matt: {WEARING GYARADOS TOQUE} The prehistoric miniature Bulgarian sloth.

Paul: {WEARING CAMOFLAGE MILITARY CAP} Ooh, how about something really cool, like a chimera or like a manticore?

Matt: {WEARING GYARADOS TOQUE} The prehistoric perfectly averagely sized Bulgarian sloth.

Paul: {WEARING SAFARI HAT} Huh! Yeah, that is exactly the size that I expected them to be.

Graham: {WEARING BLUE SONIC TOQUE} Paul is the closest with mythical creatures, because after discovering the body of a person who had been buried with a variety of bizarre pagan rights, and stabbed with a rod through the chest, they're calling it a vampire.

Paul: Wait, they didn't take the rod out, did they? 'Cause there's a whole thing with vampires. If you take the thing out, then it just comes back. That could be very bad. In fact, I'm sure there's somebody writing a story about that right now.

Matt: {WEARING GYARADOS TOQUE} This fall, from Stephanie Meyers: Unstaked.

Paul: She thought her suffering was over. She thought her longing was at an end. And then... he withdrew the long, thick stake from her heart, and looked deeply into her eyes. {PAUSE} The stake is a metaphor for penis.

Graham: I think this is just Bulgaria's way of coping after doing so poorly at Eurovision. {SHRUGS} Until next time, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat. {PUTS ON STEIN-SHAPED "GOT BEER?" HAT} Which has a handle. In case you need to... {GRABS HANDLE} you know, pick up... your beer... head. HA! It has a lot of... HEAD... in it. 'Cause beer. {MIMES PICKING UP STEIN HAT BY HANDLE} Cheers!

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Matt: {WEARING JESTER HAT} I can personally think of a bunch of things they might not be allowed to do. None of them are terribly funny.

Paul: {WEARING TOP HAT} Ooh, maybe that's it. Maybe they're not allowed to be funny.

Matt: {WEARING JESTER HAT} Mission accomplished.