Trains, Heads and Lobsters Transcript

Transcript for Feed Dump- Trains, Heads and Lobsters

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we're inviting you to put chips in us, because I am ranch dip. Joining me this week is pesto hummus,

Kate: {HOLDING A CHIP AND A CONTAINER OF PESTO HUMMUS} I'm only pesto hummus 'cause that's what I'm eating right now. {EATS CHIP}

Graham: And thousand island dressing.

Paul: I prefer "secret sauce."

Graham: And we're all gonna have some three... sided Triscuits. Which doesn't rhyme with news, but that's what we have. {EATS TRISCUIT}

{TITLE: WE'RE GOING TO EAT SOME TRISCUITS/3 SIDES! (IT'S WHAT WE HAVE)}

Graham: In Sweden, a cleaning lady stole a train, drove it off the end of the tracks, and into a house.

Kate: Someone's getting FIred!

Paul: I wonder if the people whose house got smashed knew that they were right in the runaway train danger area. 'Cause I hope that they got a good deal on the house.

Kate: Really what she was doing is just ensuring job security. So that she has to clean up this mess when she's done.

Paul: I'm pretty sure this is basically the plot of like a Charlie Chaplin film, or like a Roberto Benigni film, where like he's like the friendly cleaner guy, and then by mistake hits something, and then spends a hilarious half an hour trying to stop the train, except he succeeds, whereas in this case it smashes a building. Which is not usually what happens in silent films.

Graham: You've heard of bait cars, even bait bikes, but have you heard of bait bottles?! The New York City police department is asking pharmacies to put GPS devices into bottles of Oxycodone to help combat gunpoint pharmaceutical robberies.

Paul: So probably because I watch too many cartoons, what I immediately imagine is like, the bottle with like, an actual like GPS device duct taped to the side, like with the little blinking thing that goes like BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! {MIMES SPINNING} whenever they do it and the, the guy robs a b- he's like, {LOOKS DOWN} "wait a minute... there's something going on here."

Kate: As someone who frequently robs pharmacies at gunpoint, I'll make sure to, just avoid New York.

Paul: So what you're saying is that in your professional opinion as a pharmacy thief, this is actually a pretty good way of stopping you from just stealing their stuff.

{PANS TO KATE}

Kate: Totally. {EATS A CHIP} {CHEWS} I'm still going with the hummus.

Paul: Actually what they should do is take a page from banks and put like a dye pack inside the thing, and then they're just like, open it up and just {HIS HAND EXPLODES INTO HIS FACE} PFOOSH! {LAUGHS} Right into their face. That would be hilarious. I dunno if it would be very effective, but it would be funny to watch.

Kate: So if next time I'm on Feed Dump I have blue dye all over my face, you know I've been to New York, and you know I didn't learn my lesson.

Graham: Investigators found eighteen what travelling from Italy to Chicago in O'Hare airport?

Kate: If Feed Dump has taught us anything, it's some sort of reptile or a turtle or a Komodo dragon, which is a reptile. {POINTS AT SCREEN}

Graham: {OFFSCREEN} So's a turtle.

Kate: {POINTS AT SCREEN} {QUIETLY} Shit.

Paul: See, the way he said it though made it sound like they were travelling by themselves. Like, American Tail: Fievel Goes West style, with like, like the whole like, amphibian, reptile group, with little suitcases {LAUGHS} going along in O'Hare airport, and like trying to avoid being stepped on by people.

Kate: {LAUGHING} {PUTS HANDS TO FACE} That's the most adorable smuggling I've ever heard of!

Paul: Technically I don't think that's smuggling if they're just going.

Kate: They have their little passports out and ready and their little boarding pass!

Paul: And there's actually like, a little teeny, uh, like a boarding, uh, ticket thing-

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} Just for them!

Paul: -like, in like the bottom of the real ticket thing- {LAUGHS}

{PAN TO KATE}

Kate: {CAN'T HANDLE CUTE} {PUTS HANDS TO FACE}

Paul: {OFFSCREEN} -that's actually for like, all the mice and stuff.

Kate: I want to go to there!

Graham: Heads. Eighteen human heads.

Paul: Now you say heads. Were there also bodies?

Kate: Were there also adorable creatures with little passports and rolly luggage and boarding passes?! Please god tell me there were!

Graham: Uh, no, just, just... just heads. Um, just heads. However, they were from bodies that had been donated for medical experimentation in Italy and for some reason they needed a crematorium in Chicago to dispose of the heads. And so, sent them on a flight. Why they couldn't do this ANYWHERE in mainland Europe is beyond me, but {SHRUGS} that's why eighteen heads had to try to come to Chicago.

Paul: This is, this is a classic mistake. This is something I've almost done myself, actually. See, when you, when you cross the boarder a lot, uh, there's a thing where, you know, you have to s-spend a certain amount of time in the country, so if you spend like a week in the country, then your limit for human heads that you can take over the border is quite high, it's like, you know, thirty or forty. But, if you're only going for one day, then, man, they really stick it to you.

Graham: I have a question for you guys. When you were younger, did you ever threaten to run away from home, and, if so, how far did you actually get?

Kate: Threatened, did it, made it to the bottom of the stairs.

Graham: Well, I assure you a thirteen year old Italian boy has done far, far better: stealing his father's Mercedes, and driving it five hundred miles until he was stopped in Leipzig.

Kate: Which is...?

Graham: ...which is in Germany.

Paul: Ah, this is just terrible, you know, this is what I always say, is that Top Gear is dangerous for children, okay?! People are gonna start emulating what they see on the TV!

Graham: His family in Italy is adopted, and apparently he was trying to get to Poland to find his birth family.

Paul: The real question is did he fill up on gas along the way? 'Cause five hundred miles on one tank is good! That's some solid gas mileage.

Kate: I knew I saw that episode of Top Gear! {NODS} Yeah.

Graham: Ma main man, which is to say: a man from Maine, and his son, who are both lobster fishermen, plead not guilty to possessing more than four hundred protected female lobsters. If found guilty, they'll be fined one hundred and ninety thousand dollars.

Kate: Hundred and ninety thousand? Aren't... are they just charging them market price? I've never had lobster, I just hear it's really expensive.

Paul: Maybe they just didn't know that those were the female lobsters. Like, again, 'cause I've watched a lot of cartoons, I'm assume that the female lobsters had large pink bows on their heads, {MIMES WEARING A BOW} and if they didn't then it's an obvious mistake.

Graham: Well, while not quite as fetching as a pink bow, female lobsters typically have a notch cut out of their tail, because when you catch a female lobster, you're meant to notch the tail, and release it them so that future fishermen can tell they're female. All of these guys' lobsters had the tail notch.

Paul: Maybe these guys were like, newbie lobster fishermen, and caught a whole ton of lobsters, and were like, "HOLY CRAP! Why isn't anybody getting these lobsters?! These are great!"

Graham: {IN DEMURE VOICE} From dips to lobster, that's how we saw the news this week. Until next time, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON CHICKEN HAT} this hat. Because WE are about serious news. {BEAT} {STARES INTO CAMERA INTENTLY} {BREAKS AND STARTS LAUGHING}

Kate: {OFFSCREEN} Is that a new thing that we're doing?

Graham: {WEARING CHICKEN HAT} {SHAKES HIS HEAD, LAUGHING} No.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Paul: I think the real question here is: eighteen heads! I mean, a head is like, what, this big or so? {GESTURES WITH HANDS SOMETHING ABOUT THE SIZE OF A GRAPEFRUIT} How did he fit eighteen of those into his carry-on luggage?! There's definitely some foul play going on here. {SHAKES HIS FINGER AT THE CAMERA}