The Year in Dumb News Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- The Year in Dumb News
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Kathleen: Happy New Year, and welcome to the very first Feed Dump of 2014. This week, we're all, predictably, New Year's resolutions. I am, of course, eat less and exercise more. Joining me this week is floss,
Beej: {LAUGHS} Right.
Kathleen: And uncovering the hidden secrets of the male orgasm.
Matt: Wait, what?
Kathleen: And of course, we're likely to do... all of that.
{TITLE: I RESOLVE TO BE MORE READABLE WHERE'S THE FUN IN THAT?/NOOOPE (SUBTITLE: GRAHAM DID THESE ONES, BUT HE'S TRYING TO STAY IN-KEEPING WITH KATHLEEN'S STYLE)}
Kathleen: The Phoenix Coyotes may be the unluckiest team in the history of the NHL after their own goalie scored a goal against their team, by doing what?
Matt: Playing the puck behind the net.
Kathleen: No.
Matt: Uh, celebratory puck toss after making a save.
Kathleen: No.
Matt: Uh, long shot to the other- other end, bounces off the player and back.
Kathleen: Pfft, no.
Matt: By putting the puck in his own net.
Kathleen: Ding ding ding ding! The puck got lodged in his pants during a scuffle, and it fell out the back of his trousers into the net.
Matt: He shits, he SCORES!!
Beej: Time-honored hockey advice is to keep your head up and shit the puck.
Kathleen: Wait, I can do hockey stuff too! Check your pie-hole.
Matt: That's not applicable in this situation, but just good life advice in general.
Kathleen: Red Bull might give you wings, but if you need the crazy strength of a raging bull elephant, why not try meth? A man in Oregon fought off FIFTEEN cops while masturbating in a bar over the Christmas holidays.
Matt: Barkeep, can I get a stiff dink?
Kathleen: {WEARING REF JERSEY} {BLOWS WHISTLE} Warning! Bad pun!
Matt: Seriously though, this feat is actually quite impressive. Fifteen cops while masturbating? That's perseverance. I mean, you could put a photo of that on a motivational poster.
Beej: "Perseverance: When tweaking on meth and jerkin' it in public, never let the opposition bring you down."
{POSTER SHOWING SWEATY GUY AND THE WORDS: PERSEVERANCE When tweaking on meth and jerkin' it in public, never let the opposition bring you down."}
Kathleen: To make it even more impressive, not only did he manage to beat off while beating off fifteen cops, they tazed him multiple times first to try and get him subdued!
Matt: Isn't that just Electro's origin story?
Beej: So if you're keeping score at home, while Google shows many results for mixing meth and alcohol with fighting the police, and for electro-cock-and-ball torture, nobody has managed to combine the two genres until now, so... {SALUTES} Well done, you sexed-up cop-punching tweak freak.
Matt: And with that, we've unlocked the mystery of the male orgasm!
Beej: {SIGHS} I'll get the dental floss. {GETS UP FROM SOFA}
Kathleen: {HOLDING IPAD} And now it's time for a very special new Feed Dump feature that I'm inventing right now because Graham's not around to tell me I can't: It's the Year in News Review Quiz!
Matt: {ANGRILY HISSING} I didn't ask for this!
Beej: {CLAPS EXCITEDLY} I like quizzes!
Kathleen: {READING FROM IPAD} Question 1: God may be in everything, but he was probably taking a coffee break when the architect designed the Christian Science Dixon Church in Illinois which looks like what from above?
{SHOT OF MATT AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA}
Beej: {WHISPERING IN MATT'S EAR} A swastika.
Matt: I'm not saying that!
Beej: {LEANS CLOSE TO MIC} A swastika? {LEANS BACK}
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} Matt?
Matt: {LEANS CLOSE TO MIC} It's a penis, isn't it?
Kathleen: First blood goes to {FIST-PUMPS} WIGGINS! It does indeed look like a curvish-long from above.
Matt: It had dicks in the name, what else was it gonna be?
Kathleen: In slightly more down to earth news, an image of what appeared in the folds of a dog's butt hair?
{SHOT OF MATT AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA}
Beej: Another dog?
Matt: Miley Cyrus.
Beej: Pope Francis with a dick in his mouth?
Matt: JESUS CHRIST!
Kathleen: For someone who didn't ask for this, you're doing awfully well. Matt again gets another point because it was in fact Jesus.
Matt: It's important to remember that it's fish and loaves, not pinching lobes.
Kathleen: {WEARING REF JERSEY} {BLOWS WHISTLE} Second warning!
Beej: You know, I feel like we're doing a major disservice to Christianity here, but to be honest, I saw the picture and...
{PICTURE OF THE DOG'S BUTT WITH THE IMAGE OF JESUS}
Guys, your Savior's in a dog's butthole.
Kathleen: Hmmm, time to make these a little harder. I'm sure you guys heard about the town in the UK that was terrorized by a guy dressed as a clown just standing around creeping people out, but can you name that town?
{SHOT OF MATT AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA}
Matt: Nope.
Beej: Nope.
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} MAKE AN EFFORT!
Beej: {ROLLS HIS EYES} Frightwig-upon-Greasepaint?
Matt: North Clowngeshire.
Kathleen: This year, an Australian man famously stuck what up his peehole in order to receive sexual gratification?
{SHOT OF MATT AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA}
Matt: Stingray barb.
Beej: Some sort of device?
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} More specific, Beej.
Beej: Uh, some sort of round device?
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} No, sexier.
Beej: A coat hanger.
Kathleen: {OFFSCREEN} WHAT?
No! It was a fork! What-
Matt: In fairness to Beej, a coat hanger ostensibly fits up a peehole. How the hell do you get a fork in there?
Kathleen: Perseverance!
Matt: Kathleen, we did this story already.
Kathleen: And finally, Henry Gribbom of Epsom, New Hampshire complained to police after losing $2,600, his entire life savings, and and winning what in return?
{SHOT OF MATT AND BEEJ ON THE SOFA}
Beej: The laughter of a small child.
Matt: A lifetime supply of vanilla pudding.
Beej: ...A bag full of dog anuses.
Matt: Jesus Christ!
Beej: No, we did that story already.
Kathleen: Sadly, all of that would have been better than what he did win, which was a six foot tall rasta banana plush toy.
Matt: I don't know what this guy was complaining about, that prize is quite apPEELing.
Kathleen: {WEARING REF JERSEY} {BLOWS WHISTLE} Final warning!
Beej: Twenty six hundred bucks for that?! I paid twenty for mine! The carnie wanted forty but he took the twenty 'cause it still had cocaine on it.
Kathleen: Well, okay, I'm just gonna call Feed Dump before anybody else gets offended, which I think is probably too late but whatever and happy New Year. And remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON ROMANIAN PRINCESS CROWN} this hat because this hat is actually my crown, and it is a reminder that I'm still doing that Kathleen Romanian Princess running gag in 2014. Why not Kathleen? A chicken in every house. A cat in every house. A chicken in every cat! You could do worse.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Beej: Twenty six hundred bucks for that?! I paid twenty for mine, and the only reason the carnie took it is because the bill still had cocaine on it. Oh shit, I-
I paid twenty for mine! The carnie wanted forty but the only- fucking.
The carnie wanted forty but he took the twenty 'cause it still had- Fuck! I'm so close! Oh!
