The Poop Episode Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- The Poop Episode
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where this week it's a cat-astrophe. I'm a Maine Coon. Joining me this week is a Birman,
Beej: {MAKES STRANGE CATLIKE YOWLING NOISE}
Graham: and a Sphinx cat.
Maya: I'm so ugly, I'm cute!
Graham: And we're all gonna staunchly refuse baths.
{TITLE: WE'RE ALL GONNA STAUNCHLY REFUSE BATHS (SCREEN BEHIND TITLE GETS OVERLAID WITH ROWS OF 'NO NO NO NO NO NO NO'}
Graham: The Japanese offices of Amazon have worked out a new way to keep the grass around their office nice and trim: they've hired a herd of goats once a week.
Beej: I think that Amazon's not really mining all the opportunities they got here with these goats. They could do Amazon-based freshly squeezed goat milk, you could do freshly shaved organic angora sweaters, um... goat?
Graham: {AIR-QUOTES} "Freshly squeezed" goat milk puts me in mind of taking a goat and just {MIMES CRUSHING A GOAT LIKE YOU WOULD AN ORANGE} squeeeezing all the milk out of it.
{MIMES GOAT FLOPPING TO THE GROUND, MAKES BLEATING NOISES} {BEEJ GROANS OFFSCREEN}
That seems weird.
Maya: So now we have goats to replace the lawnmowers, and... goats are now pooping on the lawn. Who's picking up the goat poop?
Beej: Could they just feed the goats other things as well and thus have them churn through more of the garbage?
Maya: Goats aren't like bunnies, they don't eat their own poop, right?
Beej: No no no, I was just thinking like copy inch of papers.
Maya: Like goat shredders?
Graham: Well, I know I wasn't sure how to feel when I heard the role of Goat Shredder in the new TMNT movie was gonna be played by a sheep.
{BREAKS OUT LAUGHING}
Beej: {OFFSCREEN} Keeping it together!
{MAYA LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}
Graham: But to our next story, your question, Maya, about what they do with the poop has a great answer in the Toronto Zoo where they are building an anaerobic digester so that eventually the entire zoo will be powered... by poop.
Maya: Can I get this in a home package?
Beej: What, you mean like the reactor and then fifty kilos of zebra shit a week?
Maya: I'd probably poop about fifty kilos of shit a week.
Beej: Yeah that sounds accurate. {SUBTITLE: ICE COLD BURN}
Graham: According to the article, the power plant plans to quote "harness the excrement" by taking- {OFFSCREEN LAUGHTER} {GRAHAM BREAKS}
Maya: {WEARING BLACK COWBOY HAT, MIMES RIDING HORSE} I'm harnessing the poops!
Graham: Three thousand tons of poop a month, to power this thing.
Maya: Okay, alright. That's- that's more poop than I make.
Is the system super efficient? Are they using exactly the amount of poop that they're making? Or is there excess poop, and now we need poop housing? Like... greenhouses for poop.
Graham: I believe those are called brownhouses.
Maya: Touche.
Beej: That's a lot of poop, and energy's a good use for it, but... maybe there are better uses.
{TITLE: I WANNA BE A LITTLE BIT BETTER CAUSE YOUR IDEA IS DUMB SUPER EFFECTIVE/POKEMON! OH. S- SUPER EFFECTIVE}
Maya: Poop sculptures.
Beej: Give the animals that poop, and make- let them make their own poop sculptures.
Maya: I feel the monkeys would just throw it.
Beej: No, they taught a monkey- monkey to finger-paint. Maybe he can... poop-paint?
Maya: We could, uh, give it to... no.
Beej: Uh, we could... {BEAT} Yeah, there isn't a lot you can do with poop, is there?
Maya: No wait! I got it. You roll in the poop and then you hide from Predator.
{BEEJ OFFSCREEN MAKES A SCARY CLICKING NOISE, WHICH SOUNDS VERY ACCURATELY LIKE A PREDATOR, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT}
{CAMERA PANS TO BEEJ AS HE CONTINUES CLICKING}
{PANS BACK TO MAYA, WHO LOOKS A LITTLE NERVOUS}
Graham: The brand new Gold Striker roller coaster in Northern California is SO exhilarating... that the screams of the riders, are overreaching the decibel level that they agreed they would hit to the surrounding properties and they have complained.
Beej: Maybe all they need to do is uninstall the giant megaphone they installed at the top where everybody screams into as they go over the loops.
Maya: Couldn't they just slow the roller coaster down a little bit?
Graham: That's gonna be a tough sell. "Wait, wait, I've got it guys, we'll just make the roller coaster shitty."
Maya: This is how I did it in RollerCoaster Tycoon, guys. {BEAT} When it was bad, you just added more loops. Then when it was TOO scary, you just made it slower.
Beej: I-I've only ever played Sim Tower, and you can't put the elevators in loops so I don't know what the fuck.
Maya: That's 'cos that game sucked.
Graham: It's a lot better than SimAnt which was terrifying.
Maya: There was a SimAnt?
No, like- like a sim where you had a colony of ants?
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Yeah, and you had to defend it against like tarantulas.
Maya: WHAT?! It's not even like a competition!
Oh, did you- did you have like the pheromone thing where when one ant died, all the others freaked out?
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} I mean this was like Macho S7 so...
{MAYA LOOKS THOUGHTFUL}
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} You know.
Maya: Were they just little pixels on the screen.
Graham: {OFFSCREEN} Mostly.
Maya: ...This game sucks.
Graham: What English compound swear word is so beloved by Germans, that it is included this year in the German Standard Dictionary?
Maya: Butts.
Beej: Compound, Maya. They gotta go together.
{PAN TO MAYA}
Maya: That's what I do with butts. {HITS FISTS SIDEWAYS TOGETHER}
Beej: Shit-copter.
Maya: Well, what about shithead? I know, I know, not very creative but shithead is a classic.
{PAN TO BEEJ}
Beej: I believe you'll find it's pronounced "shithead". {EMPHASIZES "TH"}
Maya: Dong-gargler.
Beej: Non-euclidean fuck machine.
Graham: Let me, let me just, reign things in a little bit. It's not, it's not quite so fanciful as whatever the hell that was. It's just simply a good description of the economic status of the EU right now. It's... "Shitstorm".
Beej: I'm sensing a real theme for this episode.
Maya: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. Is this in our dictionary? Did they, did they beat us to this? They beat us, didn't they, they beat us to the... Are you kidding me? {FISTPUMPS} Go Germany.
Graham: Well to put an end to this shitstorm, I can only say that remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have {PUTS ON SIDEWAYS "F" BASEBALL CAP} this hat. F! Ffffffffffffff! Ffffffffffff! {POINTS AT CAP} F.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Graham: To address this problem, they have now covered a portion of the roller coaster in a {AIR-QUOTES} "sound-dampening tunnel".
Beej: I know that adding a tunnel's gonna make a waterslide better, but unless you start adding water to roller coasters as well, I don't think these two things have a common path.
Maya: They do intersect on Splash Mountain.
Beej: Curses!
