Slippery Dick Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Slippery Dick

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where this week we are all Planeteers. I am Wind because she seemed the coolest. Joining me this week is Heart,

Serge: He was the best, he got to be friends with all the animals.

Kathleen: And also Heart?

Ash: I just want a monkey sidekick real bad.

Kathleen: Ash and Serge's double heart makes up for my complete absence of one.

{TITLE: JUST FIVE TIMELORDS WERE HARMED IN THE FILMING OF THIS VIDEO}

Kathleen: Biologists are pissed off. They think some animals have stupid names, such as this fish {SHOT OF THE STUPIDLY NAMED FISH} called the slippery dick wrasse.

Ash: I'm sorry, slippery dick... rash? Is-is that an STD?

Serge: No, no, I'm pretty sure it's Latin.

Ash: For what, slippery dick rash?

Serge: Actually yeah.

Kathleen: No, no, wrasses, as in W-R-A-S-S-E-S, are a type of fish and according to its Wikipedia entry here {READS FROM iPHONE} "is a large and diverse family with over 600 species, the largest of which is the humphead wrasse." {BEAT} I think there may have been a competition a while ago when this species was being named to see how many they can sneak in.

Ash: Or you know, it's just like that... one guy in the office.

Serge: {WEARING PITH HELMET AND EXPLORER'S VEST, ACTING AS THAT ONE GUY} Yes! I saw it first! Slippery dick! Slippery dick it is!"

Ash: {WEARING WHITE LAB COAT} Goddamn it, would somebody get this guy off the genus classification team? {THROUGH GRITTED TEETH} GOD!

Serge: {WEARING PITH HELMET AND EXPLORER'S VEST} I have a real story, you can legit name it whatever you want. There's a guy who found a new, um, spider and named it after David Bowie because it had the lightning bolt on. Like, this is just real.

Ash: Wherever the name came from, I just hope that you can't order that fish in any restaurant because that would be embarrassing.

Serge: {ACTING AS ONE HALF OF A COUPLE AT A RESTAURANT} What would you like to have for dinner tonight, sweetie? {ACTING AS THE OTHER HALF} Oh, I was hoping we could share the slippery dick.

Kathleen: If you would like to find and touch a slippery dick wrasse for yourself, {READS FROM iPHONE} just head to the tropical waters of the western Atlantic Ocean where the fish can reach a maximum length of 35 centimeters. That is one mighty big slippery dick.

Serge: For those American viewers, that's almost fourteen inches long. 'Nuff said.

Kathleen: Conspiracy theorists are freaking out because there's gonna be something called a Blood Moon on September 28th and they think that is a herald that a terrible asteroid is gonna come and strike the Earth and trigger a magnitude 12.0 earthquake and... signal the end times, I guess? {SIGHS} Anyhow, NASA has, like, had to come out in writing and say "No, there are no asteroids heading towards the Earth. Geez."

Ash: Blood Moon sounds like a shitty vampire thing.

Serge: {COUNTS ON FINGERS} Twilight's a crappy vampire movie and it made me sick.

Ash: The last time I got really sick watching a movie, it was at Transformers directed by Michael Bay.

Serge: Holy crap! Michael Bay directed Armageddon!

Ash: OH MY GOD, IT IS REAL! GET IN THE BUNKERS, PEOPLE, THIS IS REAl!!

Kathleen: So this "Blood Moon-asteroid-doom" conspiracy theory was originally started by two Christian ministers by the name of {READS FROM iPHONE} John Hagee and Mark Blitz who said that a tetrad, which is four consecutive lunar eclipses, uh, but with six full moons in between, is an indicator of the end of times as prophecized in the Bible. And uh, they intepreted the {AIR-QUOTES} "Blood Moon theory" in something called the Book of Joel? Uh, which definitely sounds like crackpot things to me 'cos I'm not a biblical scholar, but it's normally like Isaiah and Abraham, but Joel is the name of somebody who works at Taco Bell.

Serge: Wait, Joel was the original host of MST3K, he was trapped in space, he has access to space, he sees- Oh my God, guys, it's real! Get in the bunkers, get in the bunkers!

Kathleen: {READING FROM iPHONE} Ah shit, I just looked it up. Turns out the Book of Joel is a real thing. It's in the Hebrew Bible. {BEAT} Well, I did say I wasn't a biblical scholar, didn't I?

Serge: Apparently, Joel was one of the {READING FROM HIS OWN PHONE} minor prophets and we don't know much about him other than what he wrote about himself.

Ash: Did-did he work at Taco Bell?

Serge: Uh, in the Book, he calls himself the son of Pethuel which kind of rhymes with Taco Bell.

Kathleen: If you've been offended by this week's Feed Dump, please write to:

{CUT TO CONTACT SCREEN. THE ADDRESS APPEARS AS KATHLEEN READS IT OUT}

Kathleen: Oh my God You Guys, Read A Book, c/o We're all going to hell anyway, 123 Sinnerbottom Lane, Ottawa, Canada.

{BACK TO KATHLEEN}

Kathleen: Two five-year-old Russian boys were found to be unharmed after they escaped their kindergarten by tunnelling out under the front gate so they could visit a Jaguar dealership. They told police they wanted to buy a grownup car.

Ash: That really seems like the plot of the prequel to The Rock.

Serge: How bad is detention in Russia that the kids literally have to Shawshank Redemption their way out of school?

Ash: Please tell me that someone's gonna follow these boys through their lives because if they turn out to be anything less than the world's greatest bank robbers, I'm gonna be severely disappointed.

Serge: I'm really interested in the workflow here. I don't believe two kids could have dug the tunnel themselves. {COUNTS ON FINGERS} They're masterminds, they're organizing and mobilizing the other children. These kids are gonna get up to a lot of trouble, I'm really excited.

Kathleen: These kids aren't just a boon for Feed Dump today, they're an investment in the Feed Dumps of the future.

Serge: I hope someone in DC sees this so we can write them in as Batman villains.

Ash: There have been stupider Batman villains. Trust me.

Kathleen: Yeah, like Polkadot Man or Zebra Man, who don't have any credibility and {HOLDS UP RED AUTHENTIC DEVO HAT} don't have this hat! How's that for a transition? Oh, nailed it, deal with it, I am the best at this! Yeah! By the way, this hat was given to us by FeldheimC at PAX and {DONS HAT} it's an authentic Devo hat, in as much as he got it at a Devo concert, not that it was plucked from the head of a Devo member or anything, but you know, it's a hat. It looks like this, and in a pinch, {TAKES OFF HAT AND FLIPS IT UPSIDE DOWN} it's a chip bowl. That's not nothing. {DONS HAT AGAIN}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

{CUT BACK TO ASH, DURING THE FIRST STORY}

Ash: Alright, folks, mark this on your calender because this is probably the first and only instance that marine biologists and the sex toy industries could just come together and make something amazing, 'cos it's all right there.