Phone Snooping Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Phone Snooping

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, where we're feeling a little bit operetti. I am a modern major general, joining me this week is an ultra-modern major general,

{STILL SHOT OF TALLY WITH THE WORDS "FOOTAGE NOT AVAILABLE" SUPERIMPOSED OVER IT}

Graham: and a post-modern major general.

{STILL SHOT OF JER WITH THE WORDS "FOOTAGE NOT AVAILABLE" SUPERIMPOSED OVER IT}

Graham: And we're gonna put on some reviews! A series of reviews! What- what is it, is it it's just a review, though, isn't it?

Jer: {OFFSCREEN} Yeah.

Graham: Can you have multiple of those like a, sing and dancing reviews?

Jer: {OFFSCREEN} I wouldn't...

Tally: {OFFSCREEN} I don't see why not, but...

Graham: I wouldn't have them on the all at once? No.

{TITLE: WE'RE GOING TO PUT ON SOME REVIEWS/NEWS}

Graham: The minister of Taiwan's Environmental Protection Association made waves recently when he suggested that men should sit down to pee.

Tally: That would make fewer waves.

Jer: Now, gentlemen. Am I the only one who gets a feeling of confidence from walking into the men's washroom, seeing urinals, and going, "Oh good! I am in the right one."

Graham: That's true, I did have a scare once when I went in and went, "Oh shit, is it a tampon machine? No wait, there's urinals. No wait, it's cologne. Why do I want cologne here, it's a gas station?"

Tally: No, it's brilliant! Because if men don't have to pee standing up, they'd never leave the seat up!

Jer: There would be no leaving it up. It would just all be one piece. Can you imagine how hard to clean that would be?!

Like it would be like a swamp of... ew.

Tally: This is the minister trying to stimulate new economic opportunity and growth because then you can have a whole industry around manufacturing a new type of toilet brush that cleans under that rim! It's economic stimulus!

Graham: If we're making changes to the toilet, I think that the whole like, uh... Japanese toilets with the heated seats, that should just be standard. They should all have heated seats, 'cause why not? I would sit down to pee if it was, you know, a heated seat. Maybe have the toilet tank do a shiatsu massage. Why not? I would sit down for that.

Not gonna take time out of my day unless the toilet's making it worth my while.

The organizers of a bikini parade in Ocean City, Maryland are sad that only three hundred and twenty-five ladies turned out, and were unable to break the record held by a city in China.

Jer: I think that in terms of strategy here, um, they need to think bigger. They need to do this in like, Florida, and, go to a beach and have their Guinness invigilator here, {MIMES WITH HIS HANDS} and then have somebody run by the beach go "Crocodile!" or "Shark!" or and then you know all the people would... {MIMES PEOPLE RUNNING WITH HIS HANDS} it'd be awesome.

Tally: It wouldn't work, though, 'cause China would just up the ante automatically with no problems whatsoever by having everybody on the beach and going, "Godzilla!" and running past.

Graham: It behooves me to head off the corrections at the pass, Godzilla is Japan, and Florida is gators, not crocs. {WAGGLES HIS FINGERS AT BOTH JER AND TALLY}

Jer: If you desire it to be so, we could move my scenario to the New York sewers.

Tally: Would that be more, or fewer bikinis than Florida?

Jer: What is the over/under on hipster fashion at the moment?

Graham: The authorities in New York City have raided a home where a man was keeping three million bees.

Jer: For... what purpose?

Tally: Screaming "I'M COVERED IN BEES!!!"

Jer: I'm getting Scrooge McDuck money bank stuff here, right? Like, he walks into his house, and all the like, every square cubic inch is filled with bees.

I w- like, I wonder if you could get a high enough bee density to swim in them?

Tally: Maybe it's his heating plan for the house, because if you get enough of those little bee vibrating bodies together, it creates, you know, warmth, right? So this is his new heating plan for the winter.

Jer: Or he's trying to do like, some crazy torture porn Saw shit with bees.

Graham: Why was he keeping them? As pets.

Jer: As pets?!

Tally: Does he... does he name them all?! Here Suzy! Here Buzz-buzz! Here Fido! {MIMES PETTING A BEE} How are you today?!

Graham: I'm just imagining him with a spreadsheet of all their names laid out and he uses it to like, do their feeding, he'd be like, "Alright, all the As! Time for feeding. Now all the Bs! Yes ha ha, ha ha ha ha, all the Bs. Now all the Cs, please? Just, just it seems complex."

Jer: In a population of three million, surely many of the zeds would be dead by the time that he got to them. New As and Bs and Cs will have been born, but many of the zeds would be dead.

Graham: According to an online survey, thirty-six percent of adults aged eighteen to twenty-four think that it's OK to snoop through your partner's phone.

Jer: That's... just weird. Why wou- why would you want to know what's, I don't want to know what's in there. And I do Tally's laundry.

Tally: I don't really get that either. I prefer to snoop through his DMing notes. Way more useful and interesting stuff.

{PAN TO JER}

Jer: You're not allowed to read those!

Tally: Somebody's got to keep the party alive!

Graham: Going into the gender breakdown, twenty-nine percent of men thought it was OK to snoop, but thirty-seven percent of women thought it was OK to snoop.

Jer: Phone snooping? Didn't people go to jail for that? Lose their jobs? Fox? Something? Anyone?

Tally: Psh! People go to jail all the time for stuff like bank fraud, doctoring the books, it's no big deal.

Jer: {IN GRUFF SCARY VOICE} SCATHING SOCIAL COMMENTARY ON FEED DUMP.

NEXT WEEK ON FEED DUMP WE TELL YOU ALL ABOUT DOGS.

Graham: Only I may say what is next week on Feed Dump! Next week on Feed Dump: probably dogs. Until then, remember: there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this wig! {PUTS ON ST GEORGE'S CROSS ENGLISH WIG} Which someone sent me {ADJUSTS WIG} because go England.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Tally: Ladies, I am not OK with this. There are better ways to find out whether your man has a Pinterest account and all of his deepest darkest secrets.

Jer: There are men with Pintrest accounts?

Tally: I know at least two!

{CAMERA GOES TO JER, PANS TO TALLY}

Tally: Hey! Hey, guys like to look at pretty things too!