Nsburg

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Scenic Nsburg! is a rural North American town home to QWRP FM and its popular morning show, Qwerpline.

Nsburg town logo of a goat
Nsburg town logo by Devin Harrigan.

Geography

Nsburg is a rural town located in farming country, as residents are known to farm corn, turnips, radishes, cows, and pigs. The Shaughnessy River runs near the town, and the Shaughnessy Turnpike is built on its floodplain; this highway briefly became the location of Shaughnessy River II, created when beavers dammed the main river. The town's other main thoroughfare is Highway 3, which passes the salt flats, and which at some point had its sidewalks blown up. Somewhere out on Highway 3 is the Highway 3 Spite House, owned by Happy Gunderson. Nsburg is six feet above sea level, and measuring this height is an annual public ritual. The town has been landlocked since the 1870s.

The area is overrun with raccoons and raccoon pelts have at times been used as currency. They are currently accepted as payment for municipal property tax. Somewhere near Nsburg is the geyser named "The Therpston Blowhole," or just "Old Blowy." It erupts once a year at an unpredictable time, so each January the town begins "Geyserwatch." Bets are definitely not taken on the day of eruption down at the Town Hall.

Nsburg is located within Therpston County, which seceded from neighboring Greensboro County for tax reasons. Other major townships in the county include Chuffield, Jewelsburg, and Lesser Miami, with Jewelsburg functioning as the county capital. Nsburg seems to be closest to Lesser Miami, as QWRP FM can be heard there, but not in Jewelsburg. Although the county government is technically located in Jewelsburg, the county's current aldersm'n seems to be doing just fine working from Nsburg.

Turnips and tourism are two of the town's primary industries. Tourist attractions include the Nsburg Rum Tunnels and the Berbershire Potholes. Previously located on Highway 3 between Berbershire Drive and Crescent Crescent, the potholes are dedicated by the mayor and celebrities who visit the town receive a "key to the potholes." In Episode 1 the holes briefly disappeared, causing much concern, but soon reappeared on the Shaughnessy Highway after the Shaughnessy River II receded.


History

Nsburg may have existed as early as 1763, when the historic Rum Tunnels were dug beneath the town in order to smuggle rum to both Canada and Mexico. It became part of Therpston County in 1973, when Richard Therpston seceded from neighboring Greensboro County for tax reasons. The town somehow became landlocked in the 1870s. No word on how it became landlocked, or what body of water it may have previously bordered.

Locations

  • Town Hall (civic) - Pay your taxes here. Raccoon pelts accepted.
  • Community Pool - Often filled with raccoons.
  • Nsburg Rum Tunnels Historical Site and Car Wash: A registered historical landmark underneath the town. Rum was once smuggled via these tunnels to both Canada and Mexico as early as 1763. The tunnel complex is huge and mostly unexplored. According to Sandra Brentmore, the site's caretaker, the ground under Nsburg "is like swiss cheese."
  • Municipal Zoo: Proudly unveiled tigers in 1965! Then had to give them back in 1997.
  • Nsburg High School: Home of the girls' field hockey team, the Talcum Puffs, and the sideball team, the Literal Tigers. Also the home, or at least ground zero, of the Nsburg Rocketry Club. Its principal is Mrs. Snuffstitch. Derek does not have to go back there any more.
  • Nsburg Community College: Home of the Sigma Theta Naka Sorority & Dojo.
  • The Esplanade
  • Free Blackberry Patches
  • Shaughnessy Turnpike
  • Highway 3
  • Main Street
  • Third Avenue
  • Return of Third Avenue
  • Berbershire Drive
  • Crescent Crescent
  • Injinika Drive
  • West Sump Acres, where the public library is located.
  • East Sump Acres, home to the sewage stream and culvert grid.
  • Raster Heights, an upscale neighborhood on a hill.
  • Formosa-Town, where you can buy durians.

Town Organizations

Municipal

  • Harvest Queen: The position of Harvest Queen is a hereditary monarchy and her picture appears on local currency. Darren von Spront claims she has granted him diplomatic immunity. The current Harvest Queen is Agatha, but she has no heirs, meaning Harvest Princess Edith Slump may be next in line to inherit.
  • Nsburg Chamber of Commerce: Sponsored one of the March Marchness parades.
  • Volunteer Fire Department: Brave men and women of the community who fight fires for the good of the town.
  • For-Profit Fire Department: Possibly-less-brave men and women of the community who fight fires for a handsome price.
  • Volunteer Coast Guard: Consists of one volunteer, Captain Gordon John. The town's charter gives him authority over the Shaughnessy River, the Chumble floodplain, the Nsburg culvert grid, every storm drain from East Sump Acres to just outside the Jewelsburg city limits, and a smattering of bathtubs in Raster Heights.
  • Nsburg Search: They're saving up to afford the "rescue."
  • Nsburg Council of the Arts: Sponsored a March Marchness "nude march."
  • East Sump Acres Community Association: Everything in their parade is inflatable.
  • Nsburg Police Department: Motto is "No longer f*cking around."
  • Nsburg Tourism Board: Actively creating new slogans to bring tourists to the town.

Private

  • Secret Pipesmen: Not really a secret.
  • Berg Scouts: The local Boy Scouts equivalent. Derek was in Berg Scouts as a kid.
  • Girl Scouts: Technically, they're mercenaries. Known for record-breaking fundraising and firearms expertise. Edith Slump was a Girl Scout in her youth. They wear tan berets and have a working, if strained, relationship with the Nsburg PD.
  • Sigma Theta Naka: Nsburg Community College sorority and dojo, famous for their annual pillowfight.
  • Nsburg Birders Society: Or "Nsbirders."
  • Nsburg Community Players
  • nsburg Geological Society
  • nsburg Geological Survey
  • nsburg Haz-Mat


Local Businesses

  • Town Hall (pool) - Do not pay your taxes here. Do come here to bet on Geyserwatch. Motto: "No questions asked, and the odds are on the wall."
  • QWRP FM
  • Nattering Pines Shopping Mall: Home to Camel Cove Caramel Collective and the Tchotchke Hut. Uncondemned every year in time for the Christmas shopping rush on Brown Tuesday.
  • Megaplex Movie Theater - A Family Theater
  • Dieter's Beaters Used Cars: Less of a business, more of a hard shoulder on Highway 3. Motto: "The keys are in the ignition." Dieter's Beaters is not responsible for the contents of the car.
  • Johnny Jensen's All-You-Can-Eat Technically Meat Buffet: Recently closed.
  • Pass n Gas: Full "Serve"
  • Raymond's Talc Barn: Near Highway 3, past the farm with the weird looking cow. Sponsor of the Nsburg High girls' field hockey team, the Talcum Puffs. Also permits the Nsburg Primal Scream Therapy Men's Choir to rehearse in their mercifully soundproofed warehouse.
  • Harry's Hydrogen Hut
  • The Novel Hovel
  • Bumper Crop Farms and its ill-omened Corn Maze
  • The Wiener Czar: Nsburg's first fast-food joint, opened in 1956.
  • Dee's Discount Pets: Out on Highway 3.


Town Slogans

  • Home of the Tigers! Adopted in 1965 when the tigers were unveiled at the Nsburg Municipal Zoo. The tigers were returned to their owner in 1997, but the slogan is still used.
  • Turnip Capital of Therpston County.
  • The Jewel of Therpston County. Not to be confused with Jewelsburg, Therpston County.
  • City of Lawns! Adopted when nsburg got its second lawn, making it technically true.
  • A Capital City! The word "capital" in this slogan means "excellent" or "first rate," not that Nsburg is the capital of Therpston County. The town of Jewelsburg gets that honor.
  • If you lived here... you'd live here!
  • Where the sky meets!
  • The second best Miami! Nsburg won the right to use the slogan by defeating Lesser Miami in a sideball tournament in 1979.
  • Get that Downe-home feeling!
  • A Steppe Below!
  • Recommended by 4 Dentists! But not by Dr. Simcoe.
  • "Land of a Thousand Cakes!" Technically only 996.
  • Come for the weather, stay for the weather!
  • Rolling Hills and Folding Valleys!
  • Land of the Midnight Sun. Refers to The Midnight Sun, Nsburg's famous(?) prog-rock band. They once opened for Tangerine Dream.
  • Therpston County in Miniature
  • The Best Darn Town North of the Mississippi! The tourism board may have been holding the map sideways.

Qwerpline Sponsors

  • Tom Mcgee's Chamonix Harmony - A French alps barbershop quartet.
  • Jack Plank's Sauna-Smoked Pork
  • Joss Ross' Boss Moss Floss - Candy floss made from all-natural sphagnum moss.
  • Chad McRad's Sad Pad - A topical antidepressant produced by Huffer Pharmachemicals. Apply to the underarm.
  • Johnny Jensen's All-You-Can-Eat Technically Meat Buffet
  • Slater-Foster Greater Roster Paternoster - A constantly moving elevator, produced in Gloucester, capable of moving entire field hockey teams from floor to floor.
  • Hetty Resetti's Spaghetti Machete - Billed as a tool made to "fight off" the hunger of an army.
  • Granny Marge's Man-free Barges - Luxury Shaughnessy River cruises available to everyone except men.
  • The Libertine Submarine Limousine - A "richly-appointed, man-only, watertight town car" which is "filled with luscious men" and apparently negates a need for sunscreen.
  • Mary O'Flaherty's Lairy Disparity - A bleak burlesque show exposing the frailties of modern life, the human condition, "and maybe some other things."
  • Great Height Freight Lightweight Flight - For when you need to get your small packages into space. Promises overnight delivery and personal satellite installations.
  • The Get Wet Dinette Set - A dinner table which also functions as a water park that is made from waterproof Chinet®.
  • The No-Strain Brain Chain - A Huffer Pharmachemicals product designed to protect the cerebellum from concussive head trauma.
  • Concise Device by Bernice Price - It works.
  • The Lougheed Tough Slough Plough - Thoroughly digs troughs through boroughs with great expediency, all whilst being "quiet as a hiccough".
  • The Random Phantom Bantam - Anti-fox ghost-chicken defense system for chicken coops that requires annual replacement.
  • Pastor McMaster's Cremaster Disaster - "The only archbishop-approved Catholic prophylactic." Produced by Huffer Pharmachemicals.

Local Sports

  • nsburg Talcum Puffs - High School Field Hockey. 2014 Therpston County Champions. Coached by Dr. Mcfeels, formerly Chet Buntsman. Sponsored by Talc Barn. Are the rivals of the Jewelsburg Diamonds.

Annual Events

Harvest Festival logo of a goat
Harvest Festival logo by Devin Harrigan.
  • Nsburg Harvest Festival - An October tradition with all sorts of local character.

Activities at the Harvest Festival include a large vegetable competition and a pet show which includes such competitions as the Freestyle Fluff and Synchronized Comb-Off. Many local businesses set up stalls to ply their wares. Parking can be problematic as there is a 2 hour limit. Presiding over the activities is the traditional Turnip Queen... who is the same nearly every year because it's a hereditary monarchy.

  • March Marchness - A yearly parade competition.
  • The Big Pig F--k-Off: An annual event originally intended to help farmers with their pig drifts. Nsburg residents get excited about it every year until they remember what actually happens. (It's exactly what it sounds like.)
  • Brown Tuesday
  • Geyserwatch