Did a Poo Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Did a Poo

{FEED DUMP TITLE}

Kathleen: Welcome to Feed Dump where it's summertime and the humidity index is pegged at about 150 grillion percent. So I'm sweaty. Joining me this week is somebody else who's sweaty...

Graham: I'm damp.

Kathleen: ...and a third sweaty person.

Serge: {SNIFFING HIS UNDERARM} I'm surprisingly OK.

Kathleen: How is everybody's deodorant holding up? Let's hope "at all".

{TITLE: DAMPNESS IS NEXT TO DAMPLINESS}

Kathleen: Two Oregon men are recovering after being hospitalized due to a rare beaver attack.

Graham: Point of clarity: were they attacked by a beaver that attacks people rarely...or were they attacked by a rare beaver?

Serge: I'm really confused as to how this attack went down. Did it, like, bite them...o-or was it, y'know, biting down a tree and having it... {MIMICS TREE FALLING}

Graham: Yeah, how did this hospitalize two guys?! You figure after the first one guy got bitten, the second guy would've taken off!

Serge: No, no, no. This lends credence to the tree theory; one tree, two people.

Graham: Ah, yes, the rare "marksmen beaver". Deadly with a tree.

Kathleen: What happened was these two hikers were hiking around Deschutes County in Oregon and they walked out onto a beaver dam. And a beaver came OUT of the dam and was, like, {SHOT OF LEAD CHARACTERS OF "2 ANGRY BEAVERS" SUPERIMPOSED WITH THE WORDS: "ARTIST'S RENDITION"} "Oh, no, you fuckin' don't!", attacked one and knocked {BACK TO KATHLEEN} one guy into the river and, uh, knocked the other guy into the river and he got trapped under a big pile of submerged logs. Uh, and then, so, the guy who just merely fell into the river then ran and got help. But then Search & Rescue came back and the guy who had been sorta trapped in the logs in the dam had managed to free himself and get away from the beaver. Uh, so they're both recovering in hospital. According to the sheriff, the lesson learned was don't mess with a beaver.

Graham: Lest you be..."dammed". {DONS SUNGLASSES AS THE START OF "CSI: MIAMI" PLAYS}

Kathleen: How is ANYONE supposed to follow that, Graham?!

Graham: {STILL WITH SUNGLASSES ON} From...from a safe distance?

Kathleen: I know! Let's go to commercial!

{A MUSIC VIDEO FOR "MR. BLOBBY" SHOWS FOR 30 SECONDS, FOLLOWED BY A TEST PATTERN FOR "WLIG TV-55, RIVERHEAD, N.Y."}

Kathleen: Here's a fun trick question: what should you do if you have a samurai sword, a sausage and a bunch of beers?

Serge: {HOLDING MICROPHONE} Come on down to the Violence-Dome for "Katana vs. Sausage"!

Graham: That sounds like a very one-sided fight.

Serge: {HOLDING MICROPHONE} But there will be BEER, BEER, BEE-E-E-E-E-E-ER!

Graham: Is it rude to use a katana as, like, a skewer? Maybe some sort of sausage fondue? These all seem like good ideas when you've had a ton of beer. So, hmm?

Serge: No, you gotta think OUTSIDE of the box. When is a katana not a katana? When it's a bottle opener!

Graham: Like when people use a sabre to open champagne with just, like,...{MIMICS USING A SABRE TO SWIPE UP A CHAMPAGNE BOTTLE NECK TO POP THE CORK}...on tons of bottles of Bud Light?

Serge: I was thinking more one guy's like, "Hey, guys, check this out!" Lines the bottles all up and just, "HA!" {SWINGS IMAGINARY SWORD HORIZONTALLY}

Graham: OK, this is the image we're building: there's a table full of bottled beer, the guy has a katana and the sausage...he's sorta has like a "stogie", almost and he's like, "Rrrr rrrr"...{SWING IMAGINARY SWORD HORIZONTALLY}...and that's how he's serving this, like,..."redneck samurai party"?

Kathleen: Well, you guys WERE getting close at the end there. There WAS a guy wielding a katana and there WAS a guy with a sausage in his mouth...but the beer was just INSIDE the participants. Basically what happened is some guy said, "Hey, I got a sword! I'm gonna try to knock this sausage outta yer mouth!" And...and he missed the sausage and cut off most of this guy's nose.

Graham: MOST of his nose?! What kind of bullshit katana is this?!

Serge: C'mon, Graham. It's a poor craftsman who blames his tools.

Graham: Well, it's kinda hard to practice "nose slicing". People get cranky.

Serge: I don't even understand why they HAVE a katana! Why would they have a katana?!

Graham: {HOLDING UP KATANA} WE have a katana. Ooo, do you have any sausage?

Serge: {NERVOUS} Graham, that sounds really irresponsible. And, have you even been trained on how to...{KATANA TIP ENTERS SHOT AND GETS CLOSER TO SERGE'S NOSE}...why is it coming closer to my face?!

Graham: {WITH KATANA OVER HIS SHOULDER} You think William Tell was drunk when he tried to shot the apple off his kid's head? HE got an overture. What's THIS guy gonna get?

Serge: Stitches!

Graham: {WITH KATANA OVER HIS SHOULDER} I'd just like to imagine William Tell picking up his bow and going, "Hold thine ale! Watch this!" {MIMICS FIRING AN ARROW WITH HIS FREE HAND}

Kathleen: A twenty-five year-old man from Glastonbury was in court this week on charges that he "dropped trou" and did a poo in the middle of a zebra crossing, splashing a five-year-old child in the process.

Graham: Important note for our North American viewers: in the UK, a "zebra crossing" is the crosswalk...not one line on either side, it's the black-and-white alternating lines, like a zebra. It's not actually a place where zebras cross...because taking a poo THERE would be a VERY different thing.

Serge: Thank you for clarifying. Because I was confused. Like, "Were they at a zoo? What's going on here?!"

Graham: Can you imagine being at a zoo and being, like, "God, I really have to go! I'm breaking into that enclosure and I'm pooping where those zebras is at!"

Serge: My mind actually filled in those blanks. It made a lot of sense to...go where animals do.

Graham: I can't believe that I'm asking this, but can you...illuminate in any way...the physical set-up...that took place that resulted in him...splashing a five-year-old with his poop?!

Serge: Actually, can you NOT?! It's already horrifying enough in my mind!

Kathleen: Well, Serge, they always say that the imagination paints a picture far more vivid than real life can do. So, to that end, here's what happened: he was crossing the street and he felt the overwhelming urge of diarrhea wash over him. And he finished crossing the street but the people behind him in the crosswalk were a child and that kid's mother and they were sorta right behind him. And, as soon as he got to the other side of the crosswalk, he "dropped trou" and just, like, a torrent of liquid poo fired out of his ass. And the kid got some splash-back.

Graham: {UNDERSTANDING} Oh, OK. Yeah, that adds up.

Serge: That's a sad day. There are no winners in this story.

Graham: Well, the guy got to poo. I mean, he wasn't explicitly victimized.

Serge: I don't know about that. He has to live with the horrible, crippling shame of what he did for the rest of his life.

Graham: I submit that he does not, in fact, HAVE shame. Because someone WITH shame would've shit themselves and run away. A shameful person does not "drop trou" a release a "category 5 dooker" on a zebra crossing.

Serge: How does a parent handle this with their child? What conversation do you have? I mean, the "birds and the bees" is difficult enough, but how to do you explain to them that everybody has to go and not everyone has a toilet?

Graham: I mean, I think the conversation goes pretty much how you said it. It's just that, for MOST parents, the conversation doesn't end with, "And that's why you're covered in crap."

Kathleen: Sage parenting advice, Graham. Really GOOD parenting advice, actually. Geez, I guess, on that bombshell, we'll bring this episode to a close. But, remember: there may be better sources of news but they don't have...{DONS A FROG TOQUE}...THIS hat, which is a FROG hat. I feel very froggish.

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} You feel froggish, then leap!

Kathleen: No.

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} It's an Eminem quote!

Kathleen: Really?

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Yeah.

Kathleen: REALLY?!

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Yeah.

Kathleen: Oh. "If you're feelin' froggish, den leap"?

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Yeah.

Kathleen: Master lyricist, Eminem.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: Well, you don't wanna go in the MONKEY enclosure. They'll chuck it back.

Kathleen: All right. {CAMERA IS MOVED INTO POSITION AS KATHLEEN CHECKS THE iPHONE}

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} Oh, do you want me to roll?

Kathleen: Actually, don't roll just yet.

Graham: {OFF-SCREEN} OK.

Kathleen: {LOOKS AT CAMERA} Cut!