Criminals & Lawyers Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump: Criminals & Lawyers

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: OK, here we go. I say feed, you say dump! Feed! ...Ha! You just said dump. Aaaah. I, I can't actually hear you. Except you, Chris. I can hear everything you say. {Pauses} Hey everybody! I'm the federal booty inspector, Graham, joining me this week is the federated beetle informant, Paul,

Paul: {TURNS TOWARD CAMERA} Who told you?!

Graham: And a fiery boysenberry island, Kathleen!

Kathleen: I'm delicious, and also hot! NO WAIT no, no! Uhm... I'm delicious and also on fire!

Graham: And now, let's all get crunk on Nooze!

{TITLE: "GET CRUNK ON NOOZE" SUBTITLE: GET IT?}

Graham: A man in Massachusetts is facing a criminal crrrummmgaaaaa {CLEARS THROAT} {BARFS IN TOP HAT}

A man in Massachusetts is facing a criminal complaint because he hasn't appeared for a jury duty, probably because he's been dead for five years.

Kathleen: Well no wonder they want him so bad! They finally found an incorruptible juror!

Paul: The real problem is that they try to put him on trial, how are they gonna get a jury of his peers to show up?

Graham: A man in Ontario, Canada has been charged with stealing a house after someone's missing double-wide mobile home "showed up" on his property.

Paul: So, when you steal something that contains a whole bunch of other valuable stuff, do you get recursively charged for like, stealing a TV, and stealing a chair, and stealing a table, and stealing their stereo system and everything else inside the house as well?

Kathleen: Yeah, so it's like theft over fifty-thousand, but also theft under ten-thousand, theft under five thousand, and theft under a thousand. Also probably being a jerk for good measure!

Paul: I'm pretty sure we can't charge people for that. 'Cause if we could, oh boy!

Kathleen: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} Sorry son, I've gotta pull you over, you weren't speeding or driving dangerously, but you just look like a real asshole!

Paul: {WEARING DOUCHE VISOR WITH BLEACHED TIPS WIG AND ORANGE TINTED SUNGLASSES} Yeah, that's fair.

Graham: Now while the authorities found the home, quote "a very short distance from where it was taken," because really how far can you take a house, they don't know how it was moved.

Authorities could not explain how the home was stolen. I du- he took it?! Like he put a truck up to it IT'S A MOBILE HOME, how do you think it was stolen?

{WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} Well, I just don't know I mean, obviously these houses are designed to be moved somehow, but, to actually MOVE one is just madness!

Kathleen: See, I think we're going about this all wrong. This guy's not a criminal, he's just the world's lamest mutant. He's like Magneto, only his power is moving houses that are already able to be moved.

Paul: I think he's still a criminal. Even if he has the ability to move houses. If he moves other people's houses, he's still a criminal.

Kathleen: This is just discrimination against mutant kind, Paul!

Paul: {SLOWLY} Alright, in the X-Men movies, Magneto can move metal with his mind, right? {Pauses} HE'S A CRIMINAL IN THE MOVIES! {LAUGHING} Because he kills people by doing that.

He doesn't just, like, use it for... sculpture or something.

Kathleen: How do you know he's not using it for sculpture?! There's lots of mutants who can do stuff! Jean Grey can move things with her mind, she's not a bad guy- look, mutants gotta mute!

Paul: I know that he's not just using it for sculpture BECAUSE IT'S IN THE MOVIE.

Kathleen: Maybe Magneto's not the best example for this, but look! I'm just saying that maybe he's just misunderstood!

Paul: That's true, he could, he could go in the business as a home mover person. It'd be super cool. However if he moves other people's homes that aren't his, and they didn't hire him to do it, that is still criminal activity.

Graham: And now the triumphant return that we're still improbably calling Paul and Matt have to figure out what Graham is talking about.

{TITLE: Paul and Matt have to figure out what Graham is talking about!}

Graham: AND, as a bonus, I learned a new word today! Rabbinical! A rabbinical court in Jerusalem sentenced a dog to death by stoning. Why?

Kathleen: He sniffed up the skirt of an orthodox lady-Jew.

Graham: No.

Kathleen: Pooped on a synagogue.

Graham: No.

Kathleen: Peed on a synagogue!

Graham: No.

Kathleen: Barfed on a synagogue?

Graham: OK nothing to do with body fluids or synagogues.

Kathleen: Barfed on a ra- oh, no.

Cheated on his lady-dog wife.

Graham: Uh, no. But, I appreciate your restraint.

Kathleen: Yeah, because I could have said bitch there!

Paul: Like, dug up a grave trying to bury something? That would be super weird and creepy.

Graham: Also no. They believe the dog to be a reincarnation of a lawyer who insulted the court's judges twenty years ago.

Kathleen: {INCREDULOUS} Really?

Paul: Did they stone the original guy to death as well? And this was like, double stoning?

Kathleen: {SUPER INCREDULOUS} REALLY?!

Graham: OK here's how it goes: this dog shows up, hangs around the court, they don't like it, it's this big mangy dog, and then one of the judges is like, "hey, member that douche lawyer twenty years ago who insulted us? Remember what we said: the judgement we cast down was that he- we cursed him to be reincarnated as a dog. This must be him! Stone him to death!"

Kathleen: Now, far be it from me to disparage the logic of rabinical law, but if I was a lawyer, and I was kind of like, {RAPIDLY GIVES THE FINGER WITH BOTH HANDS: THE DOUBLE DEUCE} and they had banished my soul into a dog, I would not then come back to the court because clearly they have already turned me into a dog! They could do worse! They could make me an earthworm or a dung beetle, or a lawyer again, like, there's worse things!

Graham: Lessons on how to deal with the police, from a woman in Ohio: get drunk at a wedding, hit your husband, lock yourself in your car. When confronted with the authorities, threaten them that you're a breastfeeding mother, expose your chest, and spray them with breast milk.

Kathleen: {WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT AND SUNGLASSES} {LIPS PURSED} ...nooo. Just gonna go... {SLIDES SLOWLY OFF THE SCREEN}

Paul: You know you're not supposed to throw rice at weddings anymore because it, like, birds eat it and it's bad for them? {SHRUGS} This could be a new thing!

Graham: It'll be great, it'll like how funeral processions have mourners, this you'll have like, the ring bearer, the flower girl, and the bridesmaids, and then the lactators come down the aisle. And just... {MIMES BACK AND FORTH WITH HANDS} like sprinklers.

Eww. {COVERS FACE IN HANDS}

Kathleen: At vegan weddings of course they'll have fake breasts filled with soy milk that they spray-

Paul: I thought vegans just don't eat animals, though.

Kathleen: Like if somebody was trying to spray me in the face with breast milk my, I'd be like "NOOOO I'M A VEGAN I CAN'T!" {HANDS IN FRONT OF FACE}

Paul: I'm a... whatever... thing doesn't eat breast milk.

Kathleen: I'm whatever it takes for you not to put breast milk in my mouth.

Graham: I guess that would work, but I just wish people would be more tolerant of lactose. Until next time, there may be better sources for news, but remember, they don't have {PUTS ON SHINY GOLD CONSTRUCTION HELMET} this hat. But the Village People do. So... if they gave you news, then I guess that would be better, 'cause... cause there's five of them. But... but they DON'T. So you get us. And this. {POINTS AT HELMET}

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Graham: {WEARING SHINY GOLD CONSTRUCTION HELMET} I think we've only got four of the five cowboy... we don't have like a native headdress. We've got, we've got the gold construction hat, we've got the policeman {HOLDS UP POLICE OFFICER HAT}... and we've got the cowboy.

Hang on.

{WEARING POLICE OFFICER HAT ON TOP OF COWBOY HAT ON TOP OF SHINY GOLD CONSTRUCTION HELMET} It turns out I am only three village people. We need a feather headdress and a studded leather cap. But... uh... oh well. Coming soon to Team Fortress 2. {MUGS}