CommodoreHUSTLE 003 - Critical Transcript

Transcript for commodoreHUSTLE 003 - Critical

Transcript

{Shot of a ceiling with overlay "Episode Three: CRITICAL". Tilt down to reveal Morgan and Bill, depressed, sitting on their couch. Matt is with them.}

MATT: So you're not coming?

BILL: No.

MATT: You're still hung up about Jer beating you at DotA?

BILL: {angrily} He didn't beat us at DotA! I call shenanigans.

MORGAN: Yeah, man, he somehow aligned the planets with Mercury retrograde, or... something to do with hippie crap, chakras... I dunno.

BILL: It's not even a fighting game, and Jer's only really good at fighting games. You can't roll-forward-punch a Storm Bolt. Just doesn't work like that.

MATT: ... right. Listen, I'm gonna take off—

MORGAN: You don't understand, Matt, he beat us at our own game. It'd be like if someone was better at failing than you. Revenge is in order.

MATT: Well, he's got a D&D game tonight, so at least you've got time to plan. See ya! {leaves}

{Morgan and Bill think for a moment and then, both coming up with the same idea, look at each other knowingly. Morgan digs in the couch cushions and pulls out a handful of dice. Cut to some quick shots of them putting the dice in the microwave and then pulling them out again. Morgan rolls four d6's... they all land on 1. Roll the commodoreHUSTLE titles. Cut to a table outside a cafe, where Paul, Kathleen and Graham are sitting. Jer comes out of the cafe and joins them.

GRAHAM: {to Paul} Sucks to have to work today, I really want to be there when you give Matt his present.

PAUL: I know, it's gonna be so great. It's a shame you're not gonna be there.

{Jer sits down.}

GRAHAM: Did you put milk in your tea?

JER: Yeah, so do you.

GRAHAM: Yeah, but that's green tea. I'm pretty sure that's bad luck.

JER: Sorry, what?

PAUL: Yep, milk and green tea, that's bad luck, right there.

KATHLEEN: Yeah, plus, it's weird.

JER: It's not like I'm breaking a mirror or walking under a ladder or anything, it's just milk.

GRAHAM: Uh, pretty sure that's bad luck, though. Can't remember where I read that.

PAUL: Wikipedia?

GRAHAM: Probably.

JER: You've gotta stop reading that.

GRAHAM: Hey, research shows it's 95% as accurate as the Encyclopedia Britannica. Sometimes more so.

JER: Where did you read that?

GRAHAM: Wikip— Oh my God, that's insidious. {beat} Excuse me a second, this sausage roll has been flagged for deletion.

JER: Alright, well I'm going to take this "cursed" tea and head out. I've got a new D&D game tonight.

GRAHAM: Wow, fun times. Enjoy being... King... Nerd of... Dorkville... population:... losers... D&D is lame.

JER: Graham, I seem to recall you used to regularly play D&D.

KATHLEEN: {suddenly interested} Seriously?

GRAHAM: {deeply embarrassed} Jer...

KATHLEEN: You never told me that!

JER: And, Graham, what was the name of your dwarf? Something like "goat-stream"?

GRAHAM: Gotreim. Gotreim Ironhelm of the Stonecrag Mines.

KATHLEEN: {laughing} That's adorable!

JER: And how did he die?

GRAHAM: I don't remember, probably the same way all my characters died. Bill's character would either seduce them, or kill them, or seduce them then kill them. And that's if they live long enough, Jer.

JER: What?

GRAHAM: Forget levelling up or collecting gold, we were lucky if our characters made it out of your campaigns alive or sane.

KATHLEEN: "Alive or sane"? You can be dead and sane?

PAUL: You haven't played a lot of D&D, have you?

KATHLEEN: You play D&D?

PAUL: Oh, no no, lord no. Ugh. No, I played GURPS.

KATHLEEN: Gezundheit?

PAUL: Yes, nothing like a good game of Generic Universal RolePlaying System. Such memories.

JER: OK, I gotta go. I'll see you guys. {leaves}

GRAHAM: {shouting after Jer} Yeah, well try not to murder anyone's characters today! Bloodthirsty dwarf-killer...

PAUL: Y'know, I think I still have my source books somewhere...

{Kathleen looks back and forth between the two of them, stuck in nostalgic memories.}

KATHLEEN: Saving throw!

{Both of them jump up with a start, Graham automatically reaching for his pockets for dice.}

KATHLEEN: OK, I've gotta go to the ferries. I'll see you guys next week. Try not to play any D&D while I'm gone.

GRAHAM: You don't have to worry about it. Apart from playersbane Jer over there, we're done with tabletop gaming. It's just a bunch of sweaty guys sitting around in a room, eating poorly and pretending to play as a team. We've moved on.

{Cut to Ben and Adam playing at their computers on a table in a lounge room. Many empty Coke cans are strewn around the table. Matt and James enter the room, carrying monitors.}

MATT: Yeah, Warcraft LAN! Woo!

JAMES: Lich King, baby!

{Matt and James put their monitors down on a spare table, and plug in the cords lying on the table.}

MATT: {singing to the tune of I Love to Laugh} I love to LAN, pew pew pew pew. Plug and play and pwn. I love to LAN, QQ QQ. Time for some n00bs to get owned!

ADAM: {sighing} Was that Mary Poppins?

MATT: Uh, yeah.

ADAM: Ugh, you suck.

MATT: Hey, you recognized it.

ADAM: Chim Chim Cher-ah, asshole.

JAMES: You can't rhyme "own" with "pwn", they have the same root word.

MATT: Oh, yeah, I guess you're right. Write that down, that's a video idea.

{Whip pan to Paul, in his LoadingReadyLabs lab coat, standing in front of a green screen. As he says each line, it appears beside him as an overlay.}

PAUL: Pwn. Pwning. Pwnage. Pwnination. Pwnerer. Pwnageddon. Pwnocalypse. Pwnography.

{Cut to a slightly different shot.}

PAUL: You got pwned. You got pwn'd. I pwn'd your ass. I pwn'd your face. I pwn'd your face with my ass. I ass-pwn'd your buttface with my mother-pwning face-ass.

{Whip-pan back to the LAN party.}

JAMES: Oh yeah! Matt! Guess who has two thumbs and is getting his iPhone replaced.

MATT: I assume y—

JAMES: {indicating himself with his thumbs} This guy.

MATT: Nice, how'd you swing that?

JAMES: Well, obviously I couldn't afford to buy a new one, because I spent all my Jew gold.

MATT: Your what?

JAMES: My jar of pocket change.

MATT: That's a little offside...

JAMES: It's fine, Ben calls it that all the time, he's Jewish.

MATT: I really don't think he is—

JAMES: Anyway, I talked to Ben last night about his upgrade credit, and he doesn't seem to want to use it, so that works out really well for me.

BEN: {removing his headphones.} Are you talking about me?

JAMES: Yeah, I'm telling Matt what a great Jewish friend you are.

BEN: {overlapping with James} Uh, James? I'm not Jewish... {gives up, puts headphones back on and returns to his game}
JAMES: {turning back to Matt} That's still gonna cost me like 120 bucks, but my Visa card covers up to $150 in recent purchases, so I filed for that last week, and I should see my new iPhone in 6 to 8 weeks. I'll lose my old phone number and all my contacts, but I am 20 dollars ahead.

MATT: Huh, I guess that works. {pulls out iPhone} What's your new new number?

JAMES: What the hell is that?

MATT: Well, it's an iPhone. I'd think by now you'd be used to them.

JAMES: But... it... the road, it skipped and... How?

MATT: It wasn't difficult, I just called them.

JAMES: And what did you say?

MATT: "Stopped working". Oh, and I guess the answer to your earlier question could also have been {indicating himself with his thumbs} this guy.

{Matt returns to his game, while James stares at him in anger.}

MATT: James? Help? Frost Walrus?

{James responds only by raising his middle finger, which Matt doesn't see as he is focused on the game.}

MATT: Oh God, James, it's killing me! Help?

{Wipe to Jer's apartment, where Morgan pulls out Jer's dice box. He puts in a handful of dice, and puts the box away. Meanwhile, in the background, Bill pulls off the lid of his Subway drink, sees that the cup is empty, and then leaves it sitting on a nearby bench. They hear Jer unlocking his door, and run off to hide. Jer walks in talking on his phone.}

JER: Yeah, no, no, I just hope it hasn't been open all day. That's weird. Anyway...

{Jer picks up Bill's discarded drink by the lid – the lid comes loose, and the cup falls to the ground, spilling ice all over the floor.}

JER: {to self} Shit. {to phone} OK, bye. {hangs up}

{Jer pulls out his dice box and starts digging through it. Morgan leans down from above the stairs to see what's happening. Bill leans out of a closet and motions for Morgan to go back up out of sight. They both duck back into their hiding places. Jer collects a bunch of assorted dice in a bag and gets up. He throws Bill's drink into the bin and leaves. Bill and Morgan emerge.}

MORGAN: Alright, what do we do now?

BILL: Now, we wait. Muahahahahahaha!

MORGAN: Muahahaha?

BILL: Yeah, that's what we do when we wait.

BILL and MORGAN: {together} Muahahahahaha!

{Cut back to Matt and James at the LAN.}

JAMES: I still can't believe your got your iPhone replaced just like that.

MATT: I think you just suck at customer service, James. Oh, speaking of, my shipping box comes for my 360 today, so after the LAN I get to send it back to Microsoft for a shiny new one. Because I, as previously stated, am awesome.

{Paul runs in, carrying something covered with a cloth.}

PAUL: Hey Matt! Your 360's better!

MATT: Wait, you... What, you fixed it?

PAUL: I didn't say "fixed", I said "better". James, do you have a copy of Bad Dudes?

JAMES: Like, for the NES?

PAUL: Unless there's a hi-def 3D reimagining I'm unaware of, then yes, the cult classic Bad Dudes, for the Nintendo Entertainment System.

JAMES: {searching his pockets} Yeah, where did I... Oh right. {pulls out a NES cart which was stuffed down the back of his shirt} It's right here. Here you go.

PAUL: Awesome. Matt Wiggins, your Xbox 360 suffered a Red Ring of Death. Are you a bad enough dude to experience: the NESbox 360?

{Paul pulls away the cover to reveal Matt's 360 – there is a large fan on top, a few loose wires, and many pieces of red tape holding it together. The disk tray has been removed and the hole cut wide enough for a NES cart to be inserted. Matt looks on in shock, while James laughs uproariously. The TV shows a very low-res version of the Xbox 360 startup animation – a grey sphere flies in and splits open to form a green X, and then the word "NESBOX" appears below it.}

PAUL: I made that myself!

MATT: Paul! I can't return that now!

PAUL: Why would you want to return it? It's awesome!

MATT: I wanted my 360 fixed! Fallout 3 came out, like a week ago!

PAUL: Or, or... Ghosts 'n Goblins! {holds up said game} With the NESbox 360, you have access to the NES's full back-catalogue of first- and third-party titles! Like Dungeons & Dragons! {holds up that game} Huh? Huh?

{Matt looks on in confused horror as Paul pulls Bad Dudes out of the NESbox and inserts the Dungeons & Dragons game. The TV shows a simple green-on-black text screen.}

You enter the crumbling ruins.
There is a golem-powered elevator
in the corner.
Obvious exists are North and West.
===============================

}GO NORTH

}GO WEST

}GO ELEVATOR

PAUL: Alright, so... go north, go west, or go elevator?

JAMES: Let's go elevator.

PAUL: Bold choice.

{Cut to Jer, DMing his D&D game. As he talks, we get shots of each of the players, as their stats are overlaid.}

JEREMY [DM]

PLAYERS KILLED: 1254

JESS [Sorcerer]
lvl:6

STR: 8
DEX: 14
CON: 12
INT: 10
WIS: 13
CHA: 20

TALLY [Cleric]
lvl:6

STR: 13
DEX:  8
CON: 14
INT: 10
WIS: 18
CHA: 12

RYAN [Paladin]
lvl:6

STR: 16
DEX: 10
CON: 16
INT: 8
WIS: 13
CHA: 14

DALE [Fighter]
lvl:6

STR: 18
DEX: 16
CON: 12
INT: 13
WIS:  8
CHA: 10

JER: You enter the elevator. The joints of the {?} stone golem driving the platform make a grinding sound as you enter the bowels of the ancient pyramid. Arriving at the bottom you are shocked to discover you are walking on a river of gold. The wealth of a thousand kingdoms spreads here before you—

RYAN: I take it.

JER: Wealth of a thousand kingdoms, you can't carry that much gold.

RYAN: Portable hole.

JER: I'm not done the boxed text.

{Ryan is about to say something, but Jer interrupts him.}

JER: No, you can't save versus boxed text. {continues reading} Still paralysed by the sight of the treasure, you are taken unawares as a gigantic dragon bursts from the hoard, showering you with gold, and dealing 6d6 points of damage.

DALE: Surely we get a saving throw for that.

JER: You people and your saving throws. No, the boxed text says you're taken unawares. No save.

TALLY: That doesn't make sens—

JER: Boxed.

TALLY: I can make a refl—

JER: Text.

JESS: What colour dragon is it?

JER: Mummy-coloured.

JESS: It's a mummy dragon?

JER: Yes.

{Jer shows Jess the picture in the book, and then rolls 6d6 – they all come up 1.}

JER: You all take, uh... 6 points of damage. And I'll need saves against mummy rot from everyone. Fortitude, DC 13.

TALLY: {rolls} Made it.

DALE: {rolls} Failed. Action point. {rolls again} Made it.

RYAN: Immune.

JESS: {rolls} I failed.

RYAN: I pass her an amulet of health. You're cured.

JER: {getting annoyed} OK. Then the dragon breathes on you.

DALE: This is an awfully long surprise round.

JER: It has pounce.

DALE: That is surprising.

JER: So you all take... {rolls 4d6, gets all 1s} ... four points of damage.

TALLY: This dragon is a total wuss.

JER: But, thankfully, it's still got two claws, two wings, a bite and a tail-slap.

{Jer rolls 5d20, all of which come up 1. Frustrated, he closes the book he was reading from, and starts going on his own.}

JER: As you watch in horror, two slimy tentacles of eldritch power burst from the dragon's cavernous sides. Anyone hit by these needs to make a DC 37 will save to avoid going insane. {rolls 2d20, gets both 1s} Worst dragon ever!

JESS: As a side-note, Jer, you've just rolled 7 natural ones.

RYAN: 6 plus 2 is 8.

JESS: 8 natural ones. Shouldn't you be drawing from the critical fumble deck?

RYAN: That's a good point. {draws from the deck and reads} Chip Off the Old Block: In a feat of amazing clumsiness, the attacker decapitates himself. Think your dragon's screwed, Jer.

{Jer looks in horror at his hands, and then at his green-tea-with-milk cup.}

DALE: So, can we take the gold now?

{Cut to the aftermath of the LAN. Paul, James and Matt are sitting around the TV. James is playing with the NESbox controller (which is simply a wireless Xbox controller taped to a NES controller, with the NES controller's cable wrapped around the two. James is pressing buttons on both controllers at various times. Matt, meanwhile, is simmering in rage.}

JAMES: Wow, this is really cool, Paul. I mean, the controller could use some work, but...

PAUL: {examining James's broken iPhone} So, wait a minute... Matt got his right away, but your iPhone is still broken and you're gonna have to wait 6 to 8 weeks to get it fixed?

JAMES: Yeah, pretty much.

PAUL: Y'know, I could probably fix this—

JAMES: {quickly grabbing his iPhone back from Paul} Whoa, no no, no, no that, that... that's cool. I don't think so. I was really hoping Graham could help me out, but it's really hard since he gave his notice.

PAUL: Uh, he got fired.

JAMES: What?

PAUL: Yeah, like 2 weeks ago. He was gonna give his notice, and then he got fired. Didn't he tell you?

JAMES: No...

MATT: What'd he get fired for?

PAUL: Well, y'know how Graham gets really in to games?

{Whip pan to Graham lying on the floor, covered in game cases, rubbing them into himself, while he moans in pleasure. Cut to Graham walking down a hallway inside a cardboard box.}

KATHLEEN: {offscreen} Graham?

{The "alert" noise from Metal Gear Solid plays, and Graham runs off. Cut to a shot of Graham looking lovingly into the Halo 3 Legendary Edition helmet, as he slowly leans in for a kiss. Whip pan back to Paul, James and Matt.}

JAMES and MATT: {together} Yes.

PAUL: OK, you know in Fallout 3, you can pickpocket people and see what they're carrying, but it doesn't actually count as an aggressive action unless you take something?

JAMES: Oh God...

PAUL: Yeah, well it turns out real life doesn't have a quicksave. Also, 80-year-olds are surprisingly observant.

MATT: He's been leaving for work every day...

{Whip pan to Graham, about to leave the apartment, wearing the RapStar 64K outfit.}

GRAHAM: Alright man, I'm going to work.

{Graham leaves the apartment. Once outside, he puts on a cowboy hat, and walks off. He then enters another room with a sign reading "Line Dancing This Way". Whip pan back to Paul, James and Matt.}

JAMES: Man, I don't know who has worse luck. Me, Graham, or... {to Matt, while laughing and pointing to the NESbox} you.

{Wipe to Jer, running out of the building.}

JER: I have the worst luck!

{Jer staggers out into the carpark, running haphazardly and staring at his cursed hands. He staggers into Graham, who is standing nearby.}

JER: Graham?

GRAHAM: Jer?

JER: What are you doing here?

GRAHAM: Sometimes I... I come here to think.

{Cut to another angle, revealing Graham is staring at a plain brick wall from a few inches away.}

JER: What you said about the tea, it came true!

GRAHAM: Wikipedia, Jer. The Internet doesn't lie.

JER: It's like everything I touch is jinxed.

GRAHAM: Oh, like... like that Skittles ad, where everything he touches turns into Skittles.

JER: I was thinking King Midas, but yeah.

GRAHAM: I'm not familiar with that.

JER: Everything he touches turned to gold.

GRAHAM: Except that your thing is bad, whereas that sounds totally awesome.

JER: Have you never played Tomb Raider? No, it's bad, like the Skittles thing!

GRAHAM: I also consider the Skittles thing pretty awesome, I love Skittles.

JER: What if your Xbox 360 turned to Skittles?

GRAHAM: Better than it turning into a NES... I mean, Skittles has fewer games than the NES, but it does have a better colour palette.

{Bill walks in.}

BILL: Hey, Graham.

GRAHAM: Hey.

BILL: I knew I'd find you in one of your thinking spots.

GRAHAM: Yeah. What's up?

BILL: I had to tell you this, this is awesome. We replaced Jer's D&D dice with some weighted ones, so that next time he plays, his players are gonna stomp his ass, it's gonna be sweet.

GRAHAM: Well played.

BILL: Alright, I'm gonna head to James's. Check you later. {walks out, past Jer} Hey, Jer.

{Jer stares at Bill as he leaves, then turns back to Graham.}

GRAHAM: Wow. You look pretty stupid right now.

{Cut to Kathleen, who answers a call on her phone.}

KATHLEEN: Hello, Jer? They did what?

{Kathleen suddenly looks serious, and ducks out of frame. She comes back in wearing sunglasses and the All-Cotton Dictator Hat.}

KATHLEEN: It's so on.