Cam Hates Animals Transcript

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Transcript for Feed Dump- Cam Hates Animals

{FEED DUMP TITLES}

Graham: Welcome to Feed Dump, this week filled with rapidly disappearing media. I am a CD-ROM. Joining me this week is a DVD,

Tally: I'm meltiiiiiiinnnnng! {SLUMPS BACKWARDS ONTO COUCH}

Graham: and a paperback book.

Cam: I'm a stack of Dan Brown novels abandoned in an airport waiting room.

Graham: And we're all coming to a garage sale near you! {POINTS AT CAMERA}

{TITLE: WE'RE ALL COMING TO A GARAGE SALE NEAR YOU! (SUBTITLE: 10 FOR A DOLLAR! 15 FOR TWO DOLLARS!)}

Graham: The officials at Death Valley National Park are asking visitors that while yes, it is hot enough that you could fry an egg on the sidewalk, could you all please stop, it's very messy.

Tally: I know that they said nothing about bacon, because everybody's down with frying bacon.

Cam: I mean, it's not even that people are necessarily frying eggs, it's just that they're bursting in their shells.

You just saw like a poultry truck driving through Death Valley and all of a sudden, there was a chain of noises like a baked potato in a microwave.

Tally: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Don't know, they're both gone!

Graham: Students at the Premier University of Thailand made giant banners for the graduating class to show that the good and the bad can coexist in the world. These banners featured Superman! Captain America! Iron Man! Adolf Hitler! All your favorites!

Tally: {AWKWARDLY} It... must be nice... to know that your... alma mater will support you no matter what... path you choose in life.

Cam: Hitler performing the Nazi salute captioned with "Congratulations" sounds like something you might find on 4Chan.

Tally: Thailand: the 4Chan of Asia.

Cam: {GASPS} I've seen that page!

Graham: {READING FROM IPHONE} So the {AIR-QUOTES} "superhero" mural was intended by the students who painted it to show that the good and the bad can exist in the world and the concept was to paint a picture of... superheroes who protect the world and... Hitler was in there but like he was in grey scale and they were all in color 'cos he was supposed to be shown as... bad guy {LAUGHING} but it still says "Congratulations!" at the bottom of the banner with him doing the Nazi salute. Uh, it was taken down after a couple days on account of, uh, you know, being awful. But um, yeah the students said that they didn't realize Hitler's image would offend anyone.

Tally: When your art prof says to express yourself, sometimes you just shouldn't.

Cam: You could have gone with Red Skull.

Tally: It's interesting that a graduating class might not realize that Hitler's image could offend people. The history department isn't the strongest part of that university.

Graham: Losing your job always sucks, but as an employee of Barducci's Italian Bistro in Florida discovered, losing your job over text message REALLY sucks.

Tally: I wonder if they sent it in text speak. "U R fired, LMAO."

Graham: I think it's actually just "ur fired lol."

Cam: How would you fire someone over text message? They're probably just going to... pee in everything. I would. A big long one too.

Like ninety seconds. Sheathed in steam and reverberating, like a church bell.

Tally: AT&T probably thinks this is a good idea. This is their new policy on how to fire employees.

Cam: The best part is you can charge them for the text.

Tally: You're fired and this message will be coming out of your final paycheck.

Cam: Can anyone fire someone over text? 'Cos... I have a few people at my local cafe I'd like to be rid of.

{SHOT OF CAM AND TALLY ON THE SOFA. CAM IS SITTING ON THE RIGHT SIDE, HIS IPHONE AT HIS SIDE. TALLY IS TEXTING ON HER IPHONE THEN SHE PUTS IT DOWN AND WAITS. CAM'S PHONE THEN BUZZES, SOUNDING LIKE THE SIGNAL FROM CONTACT, AND HE PICKS IT UP AND LOOKS AT THE MESSAGE.}

Cam: Oh... {BEAT} Oh.

{CAM LOOKS OVER AT TALLY, WHO WAVES AT HIM. HE THEN PICKS UP THE BLACK COWBOY HAT, THE ADORABLE RAINBOW UNICORN EARFLAP HAT AND THE DEERSTALKER CAP, THEN PICKS UP HIS IPHONE, GETS UP OFF THE SOFA AND LEAVES THE SET.}

Tally: That works really well!

Graham: I'm sure by now we've all heard about the cat cafes, they're so popular in Tokyo where you get to go in, have your coffee and pet adorable baby kitties? But the newest thing to hit Tokyo? It's a goat cafe!

They got goats. It's pretty sweet.

Tally: They had better serve goat's milk and really good chèvre at this place.

Cam: Goat's milk... tastes like goat's smell. {CAMERA STARTS PANNING TO TALLY BUT PANS BACK AS CAM TALKS AGAIN} Also, goats sound like a person imitating a goat. They're weird. I think they're a glitch in the matrix.

It's not like I'm a vegetarian because I particularly like animals, rather the opposite.

Tally: Cam, you just need a new perspective on animals. They're great on a stick, deep-fried, or usually like slightly grilled marinaded beforehand.

Cam: Really, the top-tier animal that's allowed near my food is a barista, and even then I'm a little sketchy on the whole thing.

Graham: So the concept of trying to enjoy your morning coffee and croissant while a goat stands on the chair beside you just staring at you, hungrily, that doesn't really strike your fancy?

Cam: The first thing that sprang to mind was grabbing the goat and using it as a nun-chuck {MIMES USING NUN-CHUCKS} to fend off other goats.

It would be like {MIMES HITTING WITH NUN-CHUCKS} {BLEATS LIKE GOAT} aahh, aahh, aahh, chik. {CONTINUES MIMING IN SILENCE}

{TALLY LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}

Tally: Cam, this story really got your goat, didn't it?

{PAN TO CAM}

Cam: ...Hand me my goat-chuck!

Graham: And so, wildly dodging projectile goats, this has been Feed Dump. Until next time, remember there may be better sources for news, but {PUTS ON WOVEN CUPCAKE HAT} they don't have this hat, which looks delicious! And now I'm hungry. I realized that this would be a really bad thing to wear in a zombie apocalypse 'cos it just looks tasty. They look like dessert brains now.

{FEED DUMP CREDITS}

Tally: Cam, can you bend the goat?

{PAN TO CAM}

Tally: {OFFSCREEN} Bend the goat, Cam. There is no goat.

Cam: Depends on how hard I kick I guess.

{TALLY LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}