Bacon Taco Badges Transcript
Transcript for Feed Dump- Bacon Taco Badges
{FEED DUMP TITLES}
{SHOT OF GRAHAM FROM ABOVE, AS THOUGH HE'S TAKING A SELFIE. WE CAN SEE THE FLOOR BEHIND HIM}
Graham: {SMARMY} Welcome to Feed Dump. I'm MySpace, 'cause I just wanna be friends. Joining me this week is Facebook.
Kate: {SHOT OF KATE FROM ABOVE, SAME SELFIE-ESQUE SHOT. WE CAN SEE THE SOFA BEHIND HER} I like that. {MIMING A POKE WITH HER FINGER}
Graham: {FROM ABOVE} And... Orkut.
Beej: {SHOT OF BEEJ FROM ABOVE, SAME SELFIE-ESQUE SHOT. WE CAN SEE THE SOFA BEHIND HIM} {SCREAMING} CARNIVAL!!!
Graham: {FROM ABOVE} And now my arm is really tired, actually.
{TITLE: GRAHAM'S ARM IS REALLY TIRED ACTUALLY/NEWS (SUBTITLE: AWW, MUFFIN.)}
Graham: For the benefit of those who aren't Canadian, I'm gonna briefly preface this with an explanation of Tim Horton's. It's like Canada's Dunkin Donuts, or whatever you have on the west coast, which I think is probably some sort of, smoothie place. Um, it's our national donut and coffee chain, and they do a promotion every year called "roll up the rim" where you take your cup {PICKS UP RED SOLO CUP AND MIMES ROLLING UP THE RIM} and then you roll the paper rim up and there might be a thing under it that says "oh, you won a car!" or "You suck!" or a free coffee. Well, someone used that to propose.
Beej: How crappy would it have been if he's like "here's your coffee!" and she's like {SHOUTING} "I won a car!!!" Because at that point he's gonna be like, "oh... and... also... here you can have mine too..." {PUTS HANDS UP} We can share the car!
Graham: At their wedding they should have one of those things that's just a tiered series of platters full of Timbits. Or, donut holes. Or, I'm sure a variety of hilarious colloquial names.
Kate: And then in like a year after they've been married, then she can do the same thing to him saying {MIMES ROLLING UP A RIM} guess who's pregnant...
Beej: {MIMES ROLLING UP A RIM} Not yours!
Graham: Boy Scouts of America have introduced a new badge. One that you earn by playing video games.
Kate: So the Girl Scouts have to retire fashion and makeup badges and the Boy Scouts GET video game badges? Screw it, I'm joining the Boy Scouts.
Beej: We will GLADLY have you.
Graham: It's not as fun as it sounds. The award requires a scout to explain the importance of a video game rating system, to create a daily schedule that includes chores and homework along side video games, and learning to play a new video game that is approved by a parent, guardian, or teacher.
So probably a lot of Reader Rabbit Teaches Typing.
Beej: So it's actually worse than just playing video games. There's no speed run involved, there's no, you know, beating it on- with only three lives, you know, or only one quarter, like that kinda stuff god I'm dating myself.
Graham: Yeah, see I dunno about you, but I've never been, you know, the most... uh, active... child. But if I was gonna do scouts, I would wanna do scout stuff. I'd have my scout times to do the outdoor scout-y things, and the building stuff, and the lighting fires, and the... the being active and all that, and then when I go home, I can play the video games. Scouting has- is- isn't... is now ruining the video game portion, by making it part of scouting. And also by making it a job!
The Michigan White Caps baseball team asked their fans what they wanted to see as a unique food item on the ballpark's menu this year. And when you ask your fans what are you gonna end up with? Yes, it's the baco. A bacon taco.
Kate: {EXCITED, WITH A LOOK OF GLEE ON HER FACE}
Beej: {OFFSCREEN, CONFUSED} ...what do you put in?!
Kate: {EXCITED} {SCREAMING} I DON'T CARE!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!
Graham: Sorry, to be clear, the shell: totally bacon.
Kate: {HANDS ON FACE} {SCREAMING} BEST DAY EVER!!!
{BEEJ LAUGHS OFFSCREEN}
Kate: Where's Michigan? I'm going to Michigan.
{PAN TO BEEJ}
Beej: They sell bacon here, you could just make-
{PAN TO KATE}
Kate: IT'S NOT THE SAME
Beej: I like bacon, and I think you can improve bacon, but I just don't know how you would improve that.
Kate: If the internet has taught me anything, the answer is more bacon.
Beej: I'm... literally having a weird heart thing now, just thinking about this.
Kate: Well I have a weird pants thing. {POINTS DOWN}
Graham: The bacon shell taco beat out other contenders, such as {READING} rascal chow, which was a, sort of a trail mix thing of popcorn, bacon bits, and candy, and teenie weenies, which were tiny hot dogs in small baseball helmets.
Beej: {WEARING BLUE BASEBALL CAP BACKWARDS} {IN SOUTHERN ACCENT} Yep, well, sir, m'dear, gotta go to the concession, get myself a couple a beer, and uh, fill my mouth with them teenie weenies.
Kate: Where does one source tiny baseball helmets from? Just really doesn't seem like a practical thing to be making.
Beej: It's where you get those tiny football helmets that they put on the puppies during the puppy bowl.
Kate: There's a thing called the PUPPY BOWL?!?
Beej: Speaking of the Puppy Bowl, rascal chow is not some sort of ballpark snack, rascal chow sounds like it's pet food.
Kate: {WAVING HANDS} BACK TO THE PUPPY BOWL, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THIS.
Graham: Actually I'm pretty sure rascal chow is the name of the starting quarterback of the Puppy Bowl. {IN ANNOUNCER VOICE} And now, number thirty-four, Rascal Chow! {IN NORMAL VOICE} He's a... he's a chow.
Kate: OK. First we're talking about bacon tacos, now we're talking about the Puppy Bowl. Could this day get any better?! {HANDS ON HEAD, FREAKING OUT} NO.
Graham: The ballpark also has on offer {READING} the squealin' pig, which bills itself as the spiciest sandwich served at any ballpark. It has a pinch of Giardiniera, a sprinkle of Ghost Pepper, and flamin' Barbeque sauce. And, 'cause people love marketing it with this kinda shit, you have to sign a waiver before you buy it.
Kate: And if you eat the whole thing, you get a free colon cleansing.
Beej: {HOLDING HAND UP TO EAR, IN ANNOUNCER VOICE} Disclaimer: the colon cleansing is automatic, and incredibly painful.
Kate: Poops. He's talking about firey poops.
Graham: I know I'm talkin' 'bout flamin' poops. {NODS} Until next time, remember, there may be better sources for news, but they don't have this hat. {PUTS ON WEIRD STRETCHY BLACK COWBOY WIZARD HAT WITH GOLD TRIM} Which... is made out of a fibre, uh... as yet undiscovered by man. I know that sounds weird, considering someone has obviously made a hat o- out of it, but... uh, we don't know what this is. I think it's... taking over my brain.
{FEED DUMP CREDITS}
Graham: What other fun things could the Scouts ruin with badges?
A paintball badge, where you research the solubilities of different kinds of paints, and then, when you move up a grade in the scouts, you get to actually make the paintballs.
Kate: So this is like an IRL trophy on my PS3. Now how do I synch that up? Do I have to log in or... you know. What do I, what do I do?
